Your Mess Is Mine
by Unleashthefalcon
Summary: Hayley O'Connor is struggling to deal with the trauma of losing her brother on the battlefield while Steve Rogers has awoken after the war 70 years later in a new age without his loved ones. Maybe the best way to deal with your problems are to help someone else with their own.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm not going to therapy Blake,"

"You've got no choice O'Connor," Blake fought back in a tone that mimicked his friend's.

Hayley O'Connor hit against the bag in front of her with all force she had in her body. With that final hit, she turned from the bag and wiped the back of her hand over her sweaty forehead. Her brown hair was pulled back into a high pony tail but a few strands fell out and were matted onto her skin, itching her just above her eyebrow and she picked up a bottle of water.

The subject of therapy had been a touchy one for about a month now, but her answer was the same every time it was suggested. However if she wanted to get back in the field, she really didn't have a choice.

"Talking won't help me," Hayley huffed, throwing the bottle of water onto her bag in the corner.

"Yeah? And what will?" Blake asked, folding his arms. "Spending all your time training by yourself? Going home at night and drinking your weight in liquor so you can sleep?"

Hayley gritted her teeth, glaring at the man briefly before walking back over to the punching bag. Before she threw her first swing though, Murray stepped out in front of her.

"Move," she snapped.

"Stop doing this," he shook his head. "I let you do whatever you wanted at first, you deserved that. But I can let you be like this anymore,"

"I never asked you to be my babysitter," she stepped away, beginning to unravel the wraps around her wrists.

Blake followed behind her, intent on having his voice heard.

"We all know I'm not Nick," he spoke gently. "I'm not your brother and I'm not trying to be, but I promised him I'd look out for you and if he was here-"

"Well he's not, he's dead," Hayley looked up at the man, her eyes full of anger. "And I'm stuck here listening to you when he should be,"

"You think you're stuck here? You act like living is a burden. You got a life Hayley, he didn't!"

"I know that!" Hayley pushed against him, her anger reaching boiling point. "I watched him get shot dead right in front of me, I'm very aware of the fact I got a life and he didn't!''

Blake sighed and put his hands on his hips. He didn't know how to get through to her anymore. When Nick died, he might as well have taken Hayley with him because this person in front of Blake right now, the one ignoring the fact that she needed help, it wasn't the person he knew.

Hayley didn't blame herself for the bullet that hit her brother on the field, but she did blame herself for the fact it hit him and not her. It didn't make sense that she got to walk away from that fight and live her life when he lost his. Nick should have been here, not her.

''You can't keep doing this to yourself,''

Hayley turned her head to Blake who was standing just beside the bag now, his voice softer and less forceful. She had heard his pleas for weeks now for her to attend therapy sessions, to at least join a support group that could help her deal with her grief, but she refused to admit she had any issues at all.

''I just need to get back on the field,'' Hayley shook her head. ''Blake, all you have to do is sign that form saying I'm fit for duty-''

''But you're not fit for duty. Do you honestly think I'd let you be sent back out there when you're like this? SHIELD is willing to let you go back on field duties with a supervisor but you have to agree to therapy, that's the only way,''

''I don't need a supervisor and I don't need therapy! I need to get back into the field,''

''Well there's only one way you're gonna do that,'' Blake folded his arms.

Nothing more had been said between the two of them as they walked away from the old, abandonded gym and towards the diner across the street. Since she hadn't argued against him since his last point, Blake was hoping that this would be the day he finally convinced her to get the help she needed. He wasn't doing it so she could get back on the field, to be honest he didn't even want her to go back because he knew it was something she was never going to be ready to face again, but it was all one step at a time.  
>When they found their usual booth and sat down, Hayley looked up at the television which was reporting breaking news.<p>

_''...the wreckage is believed to be the remains of an aircraft used during World War II but all is yet to be recovered due to the large glaciers and thick layers of ice it was found beneath...''_

''SHIELD will be all over that,''

Hayley's attention turned from the screen to Blake.

''Why?''

''That's Captain America's plane. Well, not his exactly. But he drove that thing into the ice-''

''I know the story,'' Hayley cut him off. ''But what's to say this is the plane?''

''The _Valkyrie_,'' Blake pointed to the screen where the name of the plane was being broadcast. ''That's Cap's plane alright,''

* * *

><p><strong>Two months later<strong>

Steve looked out the window of the room SHIELD set him up in, wondering if he was ever going to wake up from this nightmare. It had been two months since he woke up and found out he was now living in 2012 instead of 1945. The serum that Dr. Erskine developed had enabled him to survive almost seventy years of being on ice, perfectly preserved. But it still didn't make sense to him.

1945 was yesterday to him, but to the rest of the world it was 67 years ago. Looking around his room, there was barely anything that he recognized from that time. Technology was beyond confusing and the way that SHIELD operated made him question if he was going to even survive in these times.

They had offered to assign someone to help Steve transition into the new world, but he had refused. He could do this on his own, he just wished he didn't have to. There were so many people he would rather have around him, but they were all long gone. Peggy Carter was 93 years old and bed ridden in a nursing home suffering dementia, Bucky Barnes had died during the war, Steve had no other family members left and he knew no one in this new life he had to live.

''Captain Rogers?''

Steve turned his head to the door of his room which was now cracked open, a man standing in the small gap. Glancing at the time, he immediately knew what the man was here for.

''I'm here to escort you to your appointment,''

Steve didn't like the idea of sharing his feelings and inner thoughts with a man sitting in his office, taking notes and studying his movements. No one did that back in the 40's, no one had the time, there was a war to fight.

''I've been before, I don't think I need an escort,'' Steve told the man as nicely as he could.

Everyone had been very accommodating towards Steve since he woke up and as much as he appreciated it, it was becoming more and more like they were trying to mind him as if he was a child.

''Dr. Rafferty's office has been moved, I thought you might want to be shown where for your future visits,''

Steve almost felt rude now.

''Oh, well thank you,''

''It's no problem, I'm headed that way. I'm Agent Elliot Blake,'' the man extended his hand.

Steve shook his hand politely, appreciating the fact that the man was greeted him just like anyone else. Living in a SHIELD facility made Steve feel like an alien most of the time. None of the agents wanted to get too close out of fear he was made of glass. They underestimated his ability to adapt.

''Nice to meet you Agent,''

Steve pulled on his jacket and closed his door, following the man down the hall until they reached a staircase. As much as he didn't want to admit to needing someone to show him where to go, he was glad that Agent Blake had taken the time to escort him. The halls of the SHIELD facility were long and almost never-ending, he was sure he would have missed every turn he had to take.

A majority of agents who were on duty or constantly on missions resided in the facility, it was almost like a huge building full of smaller apartments and research labs. SHIELD had many facilities just like this one all around the globe, but since Steve had woken up in New York's SHIELD facility, that's where he had stayed.

''It's a big place,'' Blake chuckled, noticing Steve looking around when they made it to another staircase. ''I've been lost many times around here,''

''Do you live in the building?'' Steve asked, making note of everything he passed so he could find it on his own next time.

''No, I have a friend who does though so I visit a lot. I go on a lot of assignments that require some in depth debriefing too so I'm here a lot more than I like to be,'' Blake told him. ''I guess there's worse places in this city to spend my time,''

''You'd have a lot more privacy anywhere else,'' Steve commented, earning another chuckle from the agent.

''I agree with you there Captain. Not much gets past SHIELD around here,''

They kept walking until they came to a door at the end of the hall and Blake turned and nodded towards it. The office was very secluded compared to everything else in the building and Steve hoped it hadn't been moved on his account.

When speaking with Director Fury, Steve had voiced his opinions on going to see a psychologist. He didn't like the idea and he hadn't enjoyed the past few appointments he had with the doctor. Bringing up memories that hurt him to remember, going over the fact that everyone he loved was now in his past whether he liked it or not. It wasn't enjoyable at all.

There were muffled voices heard inside the room as if there was an argument going on and Steve noticed Blake pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration before the door opened. A woman stepped out in a plain black uniform, no weapons or anything attached, and she looked between the two men standing outside, obviously not expecting to be met with company. Her brown hair was down and sat just above her shoulders, but it did nothing to distract either of the men from the dark circles beneath her eyes.

''How was your session?'' Blake asked, pretending no one else was around.

Steve instantly knew they was familiar with one another when the woman shrugged her shoulders, folding her arms before Dr. Rafferty walked out behind her.

''Perhaps next time Private O'Connor will stay for the full duration of her session,'' Dr. Rafferty suggested with a sigh, looking over to Blake since the woman clearly wasn't interested. ''To get results, I need dedication and at least some effort,''

Blake nodded in agreement and looked disappointedly at the woman, but she remained silent as she began walking down the hall. Steve watched as she walked past him without a hint of recognition, noticing how her hands were in fists as she folded her arms.

''Thanks doctor,'' Blake took a few steps following her, turning to Steve before he went any further. ''Oh if there's anything you need Captain, just ask for me and I'll take care of it,''

''I appreciate it,'' Steve nodded in return.

When he was finally the last one left in the hall, Steve looked up at Dr. Rafferty and dreaded the next hour he had to spend with him.

''Hello again Mr. Rogers, come right in,''

At least now he knew he wasn't the only one who didn't enjoy these meetings.

* * *

><p>''Why do you have to do that?''<p>

Hayley kept walking, picking up her pace as Blake's voice followed behind her.

''Do what? I'm going to those stupid therapy sessions, what else do you want?''

''I want you to take them seriously!'' he argued. ''There's no point showing up if you're not wanting to get something out of it,''

''I do want something out of it,''

''Getting back into the field is not what I'm talking about. You need to take care of yourself before you go into fieldwork and that means actually doing these sessions properly,''

After another flight of stairs and a few turns, they finally reached Hayley's room. She quickly unlocked the door and walked inside, taking a seat on her couch and watching as Blake came through the door moments later. It was obvious he wasn't impressed with her behavior. They had been through a lot these past two months since Hayley had agreed to go to therapy, but she did so on her own terms which were starting to bother Blake.

''SHIELD wants me to go to therapy, so I go. SHIELD wants me to stay in this building to monitor me and assess me, so I stay. What else do I have to do?'' she asked him, her temper snapping.

''None of that matters when you're not taking it seriously. You can't just show up to Dr. Rafferty's and expect him to approve you to Coulson straight away. Attendance isn't considered improvement. You have to talk to someone Hayley, you have to...to deal with what happened,''

''I've dealt with it,'' she pushed off the couch, making her way to the small kitchen.

Blake watched her open the cupboards and rummage around, knowing what she was looking for.

''There's no booze in here O'Connor,'' he shook his head. ''Made sure of it,''

''Wasn't looking for any,'' she lied, settling for a glass of water. ''I'm trying to move on Blake and I'm getting nowhere because no one will let me,''

''Because you're not ready. Moving on comes after dealing with things and you haven't dealt with them no matter how much you try and convince yourself you have,''

Hayley gripped the glass in her hand and took a deep breath, calming herself down. Countless times they had had this argument and she was sick of it. No one would tell her whether or not she had come to terms with something. No one told her how to handle herself.

''It's been six months Blake, I'm ready,'' she looked over to him.

Getting back on the field was the only thing keeping her sane these days. She had been obsessing over training and tactics every day, she knew she had to get back out there and do something. Sitting in a SHIELD apartment by herself was driving her insane and she did everything she could to stop herself from dwelling on her thoughts. She needed to get back into the field and she knew she was ready.

Blake, however, saw straight through her. There was no way he was going to help her get back out there when she was like this.

''No, you're not,'' he told her before walking to the door and leaving.

He was barely a few feet away from her apartment when he heard the glass shatter against the wall.

* * *

><p>There was a lot of things that Steve had been filled in about since he woke up months ago, but one of the biggest was how much people have changed since the 40's. There were bad people on the streets when Steve was younger, he was victim to many of the thugs, but he was assured that it had become much worse. However as Steve walked down one of the streets in the city one night, he was sure that things hadn't changed that much. There were bad people everywhere in the world, but at least he could defend himself now.<p>

Sleeping had been one of his biggest problems since waking up in the new world and he had given up even trying to sleep recently. After finding out that the gym at the SHIELD facility was a bit too technological and crowded for his liking, Steve had taken the advice of an agent that suggested he visit one of the older gyms in the city since no one regularly used them. Following the brief directions he had been given from the unknown agent, Steve stopped at a gym at the end of a street, just across from a little diner. Figuring this was it, Steve walked around the side and found his way inside.

Hayley hit against the bag in front of her, ignoring the pain in her right wrist that had started minutes ago. If she was going to prove to everyone at SHIELD that she was ready to go back into things, she had to be her best physically. Every day for the past few months she had been training, but since a peaceful sleep was out of the question, her routine would go on. Working out seemed easier than trying to put on a happy face to convince everyone she was okay.

When she took a moment to hold the bag still, pushing the fallen strands of hair out of her face, she heard noises coming from the door at the side of the gym. It was almost midnight which ruled out the chances of it being Blake, but Hayley didn't have enough time to consider the possibilities before another familiar blonde haired man walked into the room.

He looked almost as surprised to see her as she was to see him. Steve recognized the woman from the past two appointments he had with Dr. Rafferty where she was walking out as he arrived, but he had never seen her looking directly at him before.

''I didn't know anyone was here,'' he explained hurriedly. ''Sorry,''

''What are you looking for?'' Hayley asked curiously.

Steve looked back at her and glanced down at the small bag he had brought with him that contained a clean shirt, wraps for his hands and bottles of water.

''I was just looking for somewhere quiet to work out,'' he explained.

Hayley looked over to the clock on the wall, making sure she wasn't imagining the time.

''Insomnia?'' she asked.

''Something like that,'' he shrugged. ''I can go-''

''There's another bag in the corner,'' Hayley pointed. ''It's been gathering dust for months now, someone might as well use it,''

Steve looked over at the bag with a nod before turning back to the woman with an appreciative smile.

''Thank you ma'am,''

When he said that, Hayley remembered that the man was from the 1940's. It was still hard to believe that Captain America was alive, especially since she remembered listening to her brother tell her stories about the super soldier and how he was one day going to be just like him, fighting for his country. Hayley shook the memory from her mind before nodding in return to the man.

''It's Hayley,'' she told him as he began to walk away.

''Steve,''

They both shared a brief glance and another nod before going their separate ways in the gym; Steve to his corner to set up the bag and Hayley to throwing her fists into the one in front of her. In all of the places he had been since waking up, Steve was sure that this old abandoned gym was the most comfortable he had felt. It reminded him of the one in Brooklyn when he was growing up that he and Bucky would sneak into with the other kids and watch the men box.

It surprised Steve that the woman didn't question him anymore. She barely even paid attention to him as he got himself ready. Steve knew she was in SHIELD since seeing her at his appointments and the fact that Agent Blake seemed to know her very closely. She might have been the only person as SHIELD he met yet who didn't feel the need to interrogate him and his every move and it surprised him how much he appreciated it. However Steve could see without even knowing her that she had her own problems to deal with, there was no other reason why she would be attending therapy sessions like he was. But they respected one another's privacy as they continued their work out.

Two people who were being haunted by the past, unable to sleep from the thoughts and memories that plagued them, both fighting against their own self-inflicted emotional torture. Two people from completely different times who were so alike.


	2. Chapter 2

_I ponder of something terrifying_  
><em>'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind<em>  
><em>I find over the course of our human existence<em>  
><em>One thing consists of consistence<em>  
><em>And it's that we're all battling fear<em>

* * *

><p>Hayley gazed around Dr. Rafferty's office as she sat on the couch, her arms folded in front of her. There were shelves all around the room that held books and ornaments that were meant to radiate peace and calmness, but mostly they were just odd to look at. She had grown very familiar with everything in the room considering she spent most of her sessions avoiding any conversation at all.<p>

However today she planned to change that. Blake and Coulson had assured her the only way they were going to even consider putting her back on the field or proper training was if she opened up to her psychologist and allowed herself to get some help. Hayley wasn't big on sharing her personal life with a stranger, but if it was the only way she was going to get out of these therapy sessions, she was going to at least try. She didn't have to tell him everything either, just enough that people could see she was taking it seriously.

''Now, let's get to the reason we're here,'' Dr. Rafferty began, pulling Hayley away from her thoughts. ''You'd like to get back into the field, correct?''

''Yes,''

''Do you mind if we go over your previous time spent in the field environment?''

''Two and a half years in the United States Armed Forces, one year in SHIELD's Operations Division,'' Hayley answered immediately.

''And you'd like to continue with SHIELD?''

''Yes, as soon as possible,''

Dr. Rafferty looked up at the woman and put down the pen in his hands, paying her full attention.

''Can you explain to me why it's so important you immediately get back into the field? Has it to do with your brother?''

Hayley tightened her arms around her chest.

''If he was here he would do the same. He wouldn't sit around for five months like I have, he would be back out there fighting and I don't have the right to do any less than he would because...''

''Yes?'' the man asked, encouraging her to continue since he had barely gotten a word out of her in their past sessions.

''Because I got to live and he didn't. I can't waste it, he wouldn't,''

''You don't want to waste the life your brother should have had,'' Dr. Rafferty concluded. ''But going back on the field in the mental state you're in will bring new challenges that you won't be able to handle just yet,''

''My mental state is fine. I've been training every day on my own since SHIELD won't allow me to train with the division, I'm ready to go back,'' she defended. ''I can handle it,''

''Physical training in no way means you're mentally prepared,'' he shook his head. ''There's going to be struggles,''

Hayley stared at the man for a moment, wondering if he was going to elaborate. Whatever struggles were waiting for her out on the field were none that she hadn't dealt with before, she knew she would be able to handle it. No one listened to her these days though when it came to her health, mostly mental. They refused to believe she was ready to go back but they didn't understand it was the only way she could see herself coping.

''Hayley,'' Dr. Rafferty began. ''When you say that you got to live and he didn't, do you mean to say you value your life less? That you don't deserve it?''

Hayley shifted in the seat, trying to tear her gaze away from the doctor, but his question kept lingering in her mind everywhere she looked in the room. She had shared enough for today, she didn't need to answer that. As she glanced around the wall again, her attention was taken by the clock just above the door. When she didn't answer her, Dr. Rafferty knew where she was looking.

The clock had taken her interest over everything else during her sessions and when he noticed her looking once again, he knew he wasn't getting anymore from her that day He was pleased with her efforts though, at least he could tell she was beginning to give that effort he was asking for, but she still had a long way to go.

''Until next time then,'' he nodded toward her, standing up and walking her to the door.

Blake was standing outside once again and when he saw the look on Hayley's face he was sure that the session went just like the others.

''How was it?'' he asked as usual when she stepped outside.

''It was fine,'' she spoke, stunning him with her answer.

Dr. Rafferty nodded in return as if to confirm to Blake that the session did indeed go better than the others, and her friend finally felt that spark of hope inside himself again. However Hayley felt differently when seeing the doctor and Blake's relieved expressions. To her it was almost like they enjoyed having her feel the pain of reliving what happened.

* * *

><p>Steve had been having another restless night and wondered why he even bothered trying to sleep before grabbing a bag and heading out the door. Every time he tried to close his eyes and fall asleep he would hear the echoing sounds of guns and explosives, he could feel the ice enveloping his body and dragging him under. Then his eyes would fly open and he would find himself trembling. It was just no use.<p>

When he made his way to the gym and set up his area to work out, his mind was at it again. Every time his fist hit the bag it would sound like a bomb had gone off, the noise echoed through the room and just made him hit harder, his memories taking him back to the war.

Hayley had woken up after an hour of sleep to find her hands had ripped the corner of her sheet to shreds. Her bottom lip felt swollen and bloody before she realized she had been biting down on it hard during her less than peaceful slumber. Throwing her legs off the side of the bed, she rested her arms on her legs before running her hands over her face. Sadly, that was the longest she had managed to sleep without the interruption of a nightmare. She either had extremely vivid horrors or she woke up in the aftermath of one, there was never a good night.

Following her usual routine, Hayley tied her hair up into a ponytail and changed into her black gym clothes before walking out the door wishing that Blake might have at least left her a bottle of whiskey to calm her down whenever she woke up.

The gym was only ever used by Hayley, she had never considered another person coming here or even wanting to step foot inside the place. It looked like it was about to fall down from the outside, but inside it was exactly what she wanted. Quiet, spacious and full of equipment. But tonight it also contained Captain America.

Steve didn't notice the footsteps at first, but when he moved his head up to take a breath from his punches, he saw a figure standing over by the door at the side. He hoped he wasn't intruding since it seemed like she came here often, but when she threw her bag down next to the bag not too far from his own, he figured it was okay. Hayley gave him a light smile when their gaze met and Steve noticed the dark circles under her eyes once again.

''Can't sleep?'' he asked, seeing that it was 11.45 pm.

''Sleep for me is a lost cause,'' she shrugged, kneeling down to unzip her bag.

''I hope I'm not intruding on this place, I thought it was public gym,''

''No it's fine. It is a public gym but it closed down at the start of the year, I've been the only one coming here,''

Hayley figured if anyone else was going to start using this place it might as well be Captain America. She assumed he had similar troubles with sleeping since he was here at the late hours like she was and after waking up from the ice 70 years later, there was bound to be some side effects.

''I can go to another if-''

''Seriously, it's fine,'' Hayley looked up at him. ''I don't own this place,''

Steve smiled in appreciation.

''Well, thank you. It's a lot quieter than the one at SHIELD, a lot simpler too,''

''You've been?''

''Once, didn't like to too much. It's a little hard to ignore every agent staring when I walk in,'' Steve explained. ''You don't like using their training rooms?''

Hayley scoffed, shaking her head as she stood up and finished wrapping her hands.

''I'm prohibited at the moment,''

Steve looked over to her, puzzled.

''You're not allowed to train?''

''Rafferty's orders,'' Hayley rolled her eyes. ''This place is more to my liking anyway,''

As he watched he pull the punching bag toward her, straightening and steadying it, Steve wondered why a psychologist had banned her from being able to train. She was apart of SHIELD, training was necessary for all areas. Hayley didn't say anymore about it though, she just began punching the bag and ignoring his gaze. She wondered if Steve would understand her situation. Being told what to feel and how to deal with things seemed like a situation Steve would had been in himself after waking up at SHIELD with no knowledge of the present times.

Steve watched the woman hit against the bag with force again and again without pausing, her heavy breathing echoing through the room. He soon realized that their brief conversation was the longest they were going to have that night and went back to his work out. They both continued for a couple of hours in silence, working off the anxiety and nerves that were keeping them awake, but they both knew their nightmares wouldn't leave them alone.

* * *

><p>One of the many things that Steve had learnt about 21st century was that information was much, much easier to get your hands on. Everyone's personal information could be easily accessed from the internet or files that have been stored in databases. However Steve hadn't advanced to using the internet very well just yet due to lack of interest. He knew there were millions of things he had missed in his 67 year hiatus from life, but there was more important things he wanted to check up on.<p>

The lives of his loved ones was the most pressing. He was aware that almost everyone he remembered from the 40's would have passed away already, but SHIELD had provided him with many files on everyone he wanted to know about. The howling commandos and how they continued after Captain America went missing, how the war ended and the life of his past love, Peggy Carter.

Steve already knew that Peggy was in a nursing home suffering illnesses. He wasn't ready to go see her yet though, he didn't know if he could do that to her after all this time. But he did want to know that she got to have a happy life, one that she deserved. When he woke up there were so many things he wished he hadn't missed, but the most important one of them all was the fact that he didn't get to give that life to Peggy. They never got their chance to grow old together and have a good life.

Neither did Bucky. His best friend's death still haunted him every day when he thought about it. Steve could still feel the cold air on his skin as he remembered watching Bucky fall and he was sure he would never get over the memory.

He was also sure he would have been better off never being found in that ice. He would never get used to this world, there was so much he didn't understand and so much he wished he hadn't missed. Maybe waking up was the biggest regret of his life.

* * *

><p>Blake waited anxiously outside of Dr. Rafferty's office, waiting for Hayley to come out and hopefully be a lot calmer than he knew she would be. Today she was going to get her answer as to whether she would able to begin her transition back into light field duties or not and Blake had a strong feeling he already knew the answer. She hadn't been going to therapy long enough, she hadn't been opening enough, she had only just started to put some effort in. Blake knew she wasn't ready, but Hayley was a stubborn and persistent woman.<p>

Dr. Rafferty saw the anticipation in Hayley's eyes when he glanced between her and the file in his hands. He knew how important it was for her to get back onto the field and how much she had been obsessing over it, but he knew all the signs when he saw them and Hayley O'Connor was not ready to return to any kind of war. It was when he began to flicker his eyes between the woman in the seat before him and the file in his hands that Hayley knew his answer.

''You're not going to approve that form are you?''

''I'm afraid I can't,'' he shook his head sadly. ''My job is to protect my patients and if I approve you I wouldn't be doing that,''

''I don't see a reason why I can't go back right now,'' Hayley argued. ''I've been off the field for almost five months, I'm ready to go back,''

''Hayley, after our previous sessions and my own analysis on your condition, I've concluded that you're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,'' he announced.

Hayley stared at the man for a few moments to make sure she had heard him right before she began shaking her head in denial. There was no way she could be diagnosed with PTSD, Coulson wouldn't let her anywhere near the field if that was the case. Her chances of returning to operations in the near future would be shattered.

''I know I haven't shared as much as I'm supposed to in this sessions, but I can't have PTSD,'' she told him firmly. ''Do you know what this will do to my chances of going back? SHIELD doesn't even consider soldiers with PTSD going back,''

''No they don't, not before they go through the appropriate channels to get help and overcome their problems,''

''I deal with my problems on my own doctor, always have and always will,''

''Well maybe it's time to change that,'' he suggested.

Hayley continued to shake her head, unable to even consider leaving his office without changing his decision to diagnose her. She knew that she had things she had to work through, that much was obvious, but she wasn't going to do it SHIELD's way. All she wanted was to get back into the field so she could get her mind off everything and do what she had been doing for years now.

''You can't diagnose me with PTSD,'' she told him, intent on her denial.

''Both of your hands have been balled into fists since we began talking,'' Dr. Rafferty pointed out.

Hayley looked down and saw that he was right. Both of her hands were balled tightly into fists and her knuckles were white from pressure.

''One of the many side effects of PTSD and you don't even realize you're doing it. You can't talk about the day your brother was killed because you physically can't respond to my questions. The memory haunts you and if you go back into the field right now, your disorder _will_ consume you and I can't risk that happening. I'm sorry Hayley, but you're not going back, not yet anyway,''

Biting down on her lip so hard she began to taste blood, Hayley stood up and took off straight for the door. She knew her reaction was rather childish, but she didn't care. Being diagnosed with PTSD was going to ruin all her chances and she couldn't help feeling like an absolute failure.

Blake was outside resting on one of the chairs outside when he jolted in surprise as Hayley burst out of the room. She knew he was waiting there for her, but she didn't even bother turning to him as she took off down the hall. Blake stood up, ready to chase after her before he decided to let her go. He knew she wasn't going to be let back into the field, but what he was more worried about was what she was going to do after finding out.

''Doctor?'' he turned to the man walking out the door. ''I assume you didn't approve her,''

''No, I didn't,'' Dr. Rafferty shook his head. ''I've given her my diagnosis,''

* * *

><p>Hayley wasn't just throwing punches at the bag when Blake turned up at the old gym looking for her. She was kicking it with force, taking every bit of her anger out of the brown bag and groaning in pain every time her wrist made contact with it. At first he didn't think she saw him, but he was soon proved wrong.<p>

''Not a good idea to annoy me right now Blake,'' Hayley told him, taking a brief pause to glare over at him.

''Hey I'm not your enemy here O'Connor,'' he raised his hands in surrender. ''I just came to see if you're alright,''

''Why bother? No one believes me when I say I'm okay anyway,''

''Because people actually care about you and can see that you're not,'' he explained with a sigh. ''Let's go to the diner and talk, I'll pay,''

Hayley shook her head and threw another punch.

''I don't want to talk, just go,''

Steve could hear voices as he walked closer to the side door of the gym, wondering else if any other people were also using the abandoned area now. When he got to the door, he could definitely hear one of the voices belonged to Hayley and the other to a man. As he peaked around the corner slightly, he saw that it was Agent Blake. The two of them were in the middle of what seemed to be an intense argument and Steve didn't feel right walking in and disturbing. He also didn't feel right just standing there and listening either, but he couldn't pull himself away once they began arguing about the therapy sessions with Dr. Rafferty.

''He's wrong, he's diagnosed me wrong and now there's no way Coulson will let me back. I've done everything right, I showed up to those pointless sessions and I'm living under SHIELD's damn microscope, what more do you want?'' Hayley yelled at her friend.

''I want you to get better! This wasn't about having you show up somewhere and get your name marked off the list and then approved to go back into operations, this was about getting you better Hayley. You've got post-traumatic stress disorder, it's there and it's done now, you just have to be ready to get through it,'' he explained. ''I'll help you in anyway that I can but you have to try as well, okay?''

''I'm fine Blake, that's what's frustrating me! I know myself better than anyone and I know that I'm-''

''If you say you're okay one more time,'' Blake threw his hands up in frustration.

''I need to get back into the field Blake, that's where I can cope,''

''No it's not. I'm an Agent, okay? I was at SHIELD on missions with operations while you were in the military, I saw people with PTSD and they were just like you; in denial of the whole thing. If you go back into the field it'll break you and I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You can't keep pushing away the subject of Nick's death, you have to deal with it,''

''I'm not pushing it away, I've dealt with it already,'' she argued again. ''You want me to get into detail about it everyday? Will that help me? I'm sorry I can't get the sound of the bullet piercing through him out of my head or wipe the feeling of my brother's blood off my fingers and arms. I'm sorry I can't get over it the way you all want me to,''

Steve knew he should have left. This was a personal conversation, he couldn't be here. He had never heard Hayley so angry or upset before, in fact he hadn't heard much of the woman at all. He hadn't realized what she was dealing with, what those dark circles under her eyes actually meant, why she couldn't sleep, the fact that she'd been in a war and witnessed her brother's death.

But he wasn't supposed to know, he wasn't supposed to be standing there listening.

''No one's asking you to get over him Hayley,'' Blake spoke again gently. ''You're not supposed to get over it. But you're not sleeping, you're not talking to anyone, you're not dealing with it,''

Hayley was quiet for a moment.

''I can't talk to SHIELD,''

''Well you can't do it on your own,''

A few moments passed before Steve heard the punching bag being hit once again and he knew he had to leave. He could go a night without his work out, he could leave the two of them there to sort out their argument and Hayley deserved her privacy.

Steve walked back down the street feeling guilty for having listened in to what was going on, but he couldn't help feeling sorry for the woman. He knew what it was like to be haunted by those sort of memories, of losing someone and seeing it all unfold before your eyes and not being able to do a thing about it.

It all became more apparent to him that even though his trauma began almost 70 years ago, they were still the same horrors that haunted those in the present day. Everyone had their own battle to fight and some chose to fight on their own.

* * *

><p><em>*Car Radio - twenty one pilots<em>


	3. Chapter 3

_Are you drifting way beyond what's normal?_  
><em>'Cause 'round your mind rings the words that they would say?<em>  
><em>When you go home everything looks different,<em>  
><em>And you're scared of being left behind<em>

* * *

><p>Hayley stared at the counter in her bathroom, looking over all the different medication she was now required to take. Pills to help her sleep, pills to give her a healthy appetite, pills to calm her down and pills to make her less depressed. It was overwhelming to be prescribed with so many different things, but Hayley didn't have to worry about their effect just yet since she wasn't planning on taking any of them.<p>

She didn't need medication to help her deal with her problems, she could do that on her own. No matter how serious Dr Rafferty tried to explain the effects of PTSD and lack of sleep, Hayley was going to deal with this in her own way. It had taken her a few days to accept her diagnosis after a few more arguments with Blake and Coulson telling her that she needed to take care of herself before even thinking of coming back to the field. Hayley knew that she was suffering, she knew she hadn't dealt with what happened the day her brother died and she was aware of the effect it was having on her, but she couldn't talk to Dr Rafferty about it. She couldn't allow the story of her brother's death to be analysed and treated as a cause for all her problems. Hayley had been assured that she needed to speak to someone, she needed to express herself, but she hadn't found anyone she could do that with yet.

Despite being told she was overworking herself, Hayley left her apartment in the evening with her bag and headed for the gym. When she made it out onto the street, she saw a familiar man walking ahead of her with a similar bag in his hand. It seemed Hayley and Steve were becoming in sync.

Steve hadn't noticed anyone behind him just his, all of his attention on the rectangular figure in his hand. It was beeping loudly and vibrating in his hand but he didn't know how to stop it, feeling utterly hopeless. Pressing buttons all over the screen, Steve was sure he was never going to silence the device. His pace had stopped now and he hoped no one had noticed his struggle, but unfortunately they had.

''Having trouble?''

Jumping in surprise, Steve turned to see Hayley standing beside him and looking at his phone, wondering what he was trying to do. Steve hated being seen as helpless because he couldn't figure out technology, but considering none of it was around in the 1940's, his confusion was understandable.

''Uh yeah,'' Steve's cheeks grew red with embarrassment. ''I don't really know what it's doing,''

Hayley took the cell phone from his hand and studied it for a moment, swiping her finger and pressing a few buttons before handing it back when the beeping and vibrating stopped.

''You had a reminder alert going off from earlier in the day,'' she explained. ''An appointment with Rafferty,''

''Oh, yeah they must have put that in before they gave it to me,''

''They didn't show you how to work that thing when they gave it to you?''

''I thought it'd be easy enough to work out on my own, I guess not,'' Steve shrugged. ''I'm still getting used to technology,''

''Aren't SHIELD supposed to appoint someone to help you...adjust?''

''They offered, but I'd rather learn everything on my own and at my own pace,''

Hayley nodded in understanding.

''That's a bold move,'' she commented as they began to walk down the street. ''Is it difficult?''

''Learning all the technology?''

''Adjusting,''

Steve shrugged, slipping his phone into his pocket.

''It's still the same world, just...a lot more advanced than I ever thought. Takes some getting used to,''

''I bet,'' Hayley agreed.

They kept walking in silence, the sounds of cars passing by and sirens blaring in the distance the only noise around them. The sun was almost completely gone from the afternoon sky, only a few rays managing to creep over the top of the smaller buildings. Steve watched subtly as Hayley pulled her hair up into a ponytail, her face illuminated by the remaining sunlight. She was a beautiful woman, there was no denying that, but Steve's interest soon changed to a different subject.

''So, you're not a SHIELD agent?'' he asked.

When he had overheard her conversation with Blake, he didn't quite understand what her role at SHIELD was. He had been briefed on the numerous divisions and facilities that SHIELD had, but it seems that every person Steve knew at SHIELD had three different titles and worked in various areas of the organization.

''No,'' Hayley shook her head. ''I was part of SHIELD's operations division, military defense unit,''

''And you're not anymore?''

''I'm in between things,'' she shrugged, not wanting to give him a detailed description of what was going on. ''What about you? I'd assume Captain America would be one of their best assets,''

Steve chuckled.

''I don't know about that. I don't think I'm an asset to anything at the moment and I'm sure everyone at SHIELD agrees,''

''You underestimate the influence you've had on people,'' she told him.

''Maybe I would have had a bigger influence if they hadn't found me,'' he admit. ''Now I'm a 94 year old experiment that can't stop his phone from buzzing,''

''Do you regret waking up?''

Steve paused at her question, thinking it over. The thought had gone through his mind many times since his eyes first opened in 2012 New York, but he so many mixed feelings about his current life that he could never give himself a straight answer.

''I don't know,'' he told her honestly.

Hayley didn't question him again, just nodded her head in silence. She could understand his frustration with the world after waking up. He had died a hero and he had woken up so far behind everyone else, it wasn't a position she would have liked to be in either. It was still so hard to believe he really was alive still, after all this time, and that she was talking to the very soldier that her brother admired so much growing up. Nick would have loved to meet Steve, and that was just another thing Hayley added to her mental list of reasons he should be here instead of her.

The rest of their walk to the gym was spent in silence as the remaining sunlight left the city. When they finally reached the old building, Steve let Hayley go ahead of him and followed inside, neither of them noticing the car parked across the road that contained a SHIELD agent.

The agent pulled her cell phone out and held it to her ear, her eyes still scanning over the building.

''Sir, location confirmed. Yes, everything looks fine. I think we've found found the right person,''

* * *

><p>Blake walked up the hall of SHIELD Headquarters the next week, looking down at his phone as he sent a quick message to Hayley. Being out of town for a few days was usual for his job, but he always liked to keep an eye on his friend and check up on her, not that she ever did anything out of her normal routine of therapy and working out.<p>

After standing in the elevator for a few minutes and finally reaching the right floor, Blake hurried around the corner and made his way to Agent Coulson's office. SHIELD H.Q was much bigger and busier than any of their other facilities and Blake liked to the spend the least amount of time in it. However when it involved meeting with Coulson, he was in no rush. Coulson didn't usually have people coming into his office for meetings, he was very active in the field and working numerous missions each day, but for some reason Blake had been called in to consult with him.

''Coulson,'' Blake called out from the doorway of the man's office.

''Thanks for getting here on short notice,'' Coulson looked away from his computer screen, flashing a polite and brief smile toward the agent.

''Well it's not everyday I get called here,''

''A rare occurrence, I know,'' Coulson nodded. ''But I've got something for you since you're practically based in New York now,''

''I'm in New York to look out for O'Connor, I can still work wherever you need me,''

''That's the catch Blake, this one's for O'Connor too,''

Blake stared at the man in front of him, wondering if he was serious. Hayley had only been diagnosed with PTSD a week ago, there was no way she was ready to be put back on any type of duty.

''O'Connor isn't ready for an assignment,''

''It's not really an assignment,'' Coulson assured. ''It involves Captain Rogers,''

Blake's eyebrows rose in surprise.

''You've lost me,''

''When he woke up, Fury offered him support to readjust to the world, but he didn't want it. SHIELD gave him residency in the New York facility so he could be monitored, but he's not coping as well as we hoped,''

''The guy woke up after an almost 70 year nap Coulson, how do you expect someone to cope?''

''We didn't expect him to cope, that's why we offered help but he was insistent on doing this on his own. SHIELD's worried about his mental state and considering Captain Rogers' isn't familiar with SHIELD or any agents, he won't ask for help,''

''And where do I come into this? Actually, where does O'Connor come into this?'' Blake asked.

''We've been monitoring Captain Rogers to see where he goes, who he talks to, find out how he's dealing with things. The only place he goes is an old, run down gym a couple of blocks away from the facility and the only person he regularly sees or talks to is O'Connor,''

Blake had a feeling where he was going with this.

''If you're suggesting that Hayley become his aide or something-''

''That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Rogers is comfortable around her, he spends more time around her than any SHIELD agent, it won't be as overwhelming for him now as it would have been with some stranger. It won't be anything stressful, just helping him with some basics and being a sort of companion,''

''Hayley has PTSD, she shouldn't be focusing on anything other than herself right now. It's been hard enough to get her to realize she needs help, giving her this assignment or whatever it is will just give her another distraction,''

''Look, I know O'Connor too. I know that she's stubborn and can't admit when she needs help, but her and Rogers have a lot in common. Both soldiers who lost things in the war, struggling and too determined to ask for help,''

''So you think because they're both traumatized that they'll, what? Fix each other?''

Coulson sighed.

''No, but they'll trust each other. It works like a buddy system, it's very uncommon within SHIELD considering agents prefer working alone and independently, establishing no ties, but I think for this situation it might work. O'Connor needs to find someone to talk to who understands what she's going through and so does Rogers. O'Connor doesn't sugar coat things or take pity on people, she sees things as they are and that's the sort of person Rogers needs because he's far from unintelligent and with O'Connor he won't be treated like it,''

Blake was far from convinced this idea would work out, but in the end he wasn't the one calling the shots. Neither was Coulson really, all of these orders were coming from Fury since everything that involved Steve Rogers went through him. He saw their justification, but he didn't know if he agreed.

''This could either go well, or very badly,'' Blake shook his head. ''Where do I come in?''

''Well since you're in New York and we want to keep this as small as possible, no other agents involved, we want you to be the agent overlooking the process,''

Blake let out a long sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to process everything that SHIELD wanted.

''So who's in charge of explaining all of this to O'Connor and Rogers?''

''I'm leaving for a mission in twenty minutes, won't be anywhere near here,'' Coulson answered.

''Wait, so...'' Blake pointed towards himself in a panicked movement, watching as Coulson nodded. ''You've got to be kidding me,''

* * *

><p>''I told SHIELD I didn't need help,''<p>

Blake sat on the couch in Steve Rogers' apartment, looking around the room and noticing a lot of old fashioned objects. SHIELD had clearly set the room up especially for him to feel more comfortable, but Blake wondered if that had just made Steve's attempt at adjusting more difficult.

After meeting with Coulson the day before, Blake had flown back to New York and decided to fill Steve in on the situation before Hayley, knowing her reaction to the news would be the least pleasant to deal with. However Steve's reaction wasn't great either.

''They didn't want to force you since you'd just woken up, but now they're worried you're not coping,'' Blake explained. ''I agree that it's your personal choice, but they just want to help you out. A lot's changed,''

''I'm aware,'' Steve looked over to the agent. ''But I'm capable of catching up on my own,''

''SHIELD's willing to relieve you of your compulsory sessions with Dr. Rafferty and minimize their amount of interference if you agree,''

Steve listened, interested by the idea of SHIELD monitoring him less and not having to attend his therapy sessions, but he was still unsure of what was going to happen.

''What will I have to do?''

''You'll be appointed a companion, someone to act as an aide. They'll educate you on technology, transport, anything you need to know,''

''So they'll be babysitting me?''

''It won't be like that, trust me. The reason SHIELD waited until now to bring this up again was because they wanted you to know the person they appointed instead of it being a random agent and they wanted you to be able to contribute to the arrangement as well,''

''How so?''

''Well, they're appointing Hayley O'Connor. My friend, and your gym acquaintance,''

Eyes widening slightly in shock, Steve immediately regretted considering the deal.

''No, she doesn't need to do this, not after-''

Blake watched him carefully.

''After what? Did she tell you?''

Steve shook his head, looking down in disappointment.

''No, she hasn't told me anything. I uh, I accidentally overheard you and her talking one evening when I showed up at the gym. I couldn't help hear what she'd gone through, I can imagine how she feels,''

Actually, Steve knew exactly how she felt.

''Well, she'd kill me for talking about it, but she's not coping these days either Steve. She hasn't dealt with it, her brother was shot in front of her and died in her arms, she won't let herself think about it and it's eating away at her. Rafferty diagnosed her with PTSD and therefore she's got no chance of getting back into the field for a while now. SHIELD thinks helping you will help her as well,''

''How?''

''Helping you with your problems might make her realize that she get can help for hers too. She won't talk to SHIELD, but she could talk to you, maybe. I know it's a stretch, but you can see the similarities between you two, what you've been through,''

Steve folded his arms as he watched the agent explain everything to him, wondering if he would agree to it all. Steve couldn't see it being easy, especially with someone who was so closed off from everyone else. However SHIELD needed his help to get through to her, and as much as she didn't want to admit how much he was struggling, he needed her to help him out as well.

''Just consider it,'' Blake suggested, noticing Steve's thoughtful expression. ''I'll be in touch,''

Steve watched the man stand up and walk out of door, leaving him to think over everything he'd just been told. He didn't want to accept the help, he didn't like being viewed as someone incapable of doing such simple things, but he knew he'd tried doing this on his own for long enough. The 21st century was hard to catch up on in only a few months, but he didn't know if dragging Hayley into it was the right call.

* * *

><p>''Can you just repeat that back to me again?''<p>

Blake sighed as he put his hands on his hips, looking over to his friend who was now sitting up on her couch with an expression that made him want to take a few steps back. He had been dreading coming to his friend's apartment all day and explaining everything to her, and right now he was sure he should have argued for Coulson to do it over the phone.

Hayley didn't know if she was more angry at the idea of the assignment or the fact that SHIELD had been monitoring her even outside the facility and was now giving her orders.

''Does SHIELD know I'm not an agent? This sort of stuff isn't in my job description, I'm not a babysitter,'' she argued. ''And Steve doesn't need someone looking out for him, he's a grown man and he already told them he wanted to do this on his own,''

''He's not coping, SHIELD's been monitoring his progress,''

''SHIELD,'' Hayley scoffed. ''As if living in this building doesn't give them enough insight into everyone's privacy,''

''They're looking out for him, just like they're looking out for you,''

''How is this looking out for me?''

''They're giving you an assignment O'Connor, they're keeping you busy,''

Hayley folded her arms.

''I don't want this assignment, I want to get back on the field,''

''I know, you've said that plenty of times now, but it's obviously not an option right now and this assignment could be your first step to that. Look, you know Steve,''

''Barely,'' she shook her head.

''Well you're the only one in SHIELD that he knows. Those other agents and operatives are strangers to him, he needs someone like you to help him out,'' Blake explained. ''He could use a friend and so could you,''

Hayley groaned and walked into the kitchen, leaning against her bench as she looked up at the cupboard. She hadn't had a drop of alcohol in weeks, but it was times like this she could really use a glass. Blake followed her into the room, taking a seat next to the bench on the opposite side and watching his friend think.

''So SHIELD wants me to...what?''

''Help him adjust. He's been on his own for a while now and he won't ask for help, like someone else I know,'' he pointed out, earning a roll of the eyes. ''Just with catching up on everything he's missed. He wants to know what happened while he was in the ice, what happened to his family and friends. It'll be good for the both of you,''

Hayley looked up at him, leaning down and resting her chin on her hand.

''This is starting to sound like SHIELD's babysitting Steve and me,'' she commented. ''What, because we're both useless and broken we get assigned to one another to lessen their problems?''

''What? Hayley, no,'' Blake spoke louder. ''Look, you've _both_ got issues to deal with and honestly I think I agree with SHIELD on this whole thing. Steve needs help from someone familiar and you need to get your mind off getting back on the field for now. You wanted to get back to work, here's your chance,''

With her arms still folded, Hayley looked at her friend and considered SHIELD's offer. Blake was right about getting back to work, she had been desperately wanting something to do and to keep her busy, this was definitely her chance. There was also a part of her that didn't want to leave Steve with some strange agent who was going to treat him like a child, but she also didn't want Steve to think she was that person either.

There were a lot of things to consider, but Hayley knew she would never make her mind up completely on the issue. Blake saw the hesitation in her eyes, it mirrored the same look that Steve had on his face earlier and even without her answering him, he could tell what her answer was going to be.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys, just wanted to thank you for reading this story so far and I appreciate the support of your favoriting and following :)<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

_I was in another lifetime one of toil and blood_  
><em>When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud<em>  
><em>I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form<em>  
><em>"Come in" she said<em>  
><em>"I'll give you shelter from the storm".<em>

* * *

><p>Steve stood outside the main door of the SHIELD facility, his hands in his pocket and his eyes scanning the cars that drove by on the street. He often wondered why the facility was so out in the open, but looking up at in now he could see why it didn't stand out too much. It was just like a regular building except it was quite large, but in New York City, it fit right in.<p>

Glancing back to the main door for a moment, Steve wondered if Hayley had changed her mind about this arrangement already. When they both agreed to the offer after a day of thinking it over, Blake had instructed them to move at their own pace and work on small things first, but neither Steve or Hayley knew how to begin this process. Hayley wasn't an agent, she didn't know the proper protocol even after Blake tried explaining it to her, and Steve hadn't had a friend in this world since he woke up, he didn't know how he was going to be able to help her in return.

Hayley was hurrying down the stairs from her apartment, sure that she was late for meeting Steve. One of the troubles with being unable to sleep was that she often had scattered 10 minute naps that she unsurprisingly woke up from with her heart beating faster than ever, but this morning was even worse when she remembered it was the day that the assignment began.

Just like Steve, Hayley wasn't sure what was going to happen or how they were going to begin, but she had made a decision the night before as she lay awake thinking about the whole thing. She wasn't going to treat it like a mission or as if she was given orders, she was just going to treat it like a friendship. It was the only way to make both her and Steve feel normal since it was clear to both of them that SHIELD saw them as impaired.

Rushing out the main door, Hayley was rather relieved to see Steve standing there looking around, waiting.

''I'm late, sorry,'' Hayley walked over to him, shaking her head.

''No it's fine,'' Steve shook his head, watching as she squinted toward the morning sun.

This was the first time they'd seen one another since they had agreed with SHIELD. Blake had organized for them to meet up that morning and begin whatever they were supposed to do, which was why right now they were standing in silence. Neither of them knew what to say first. It shouldn't have felt this awkward, but Hayley decided to push past it.

''Well, I'll be the first to say this is weird,'' she told him.

''It is a bit, yeah,'' Steve agreed with a smile. ''Could have been worse though,''

''SHIELD invading our privacy not bad enough?''

''They could have made us keep going to therapy,''

Hayley stared at him for a moment before a smile pulled at her lips, chuckling as she began to walk.

''Come on, might as well do something with the day,'' she turned to him, seeing that he was already following behind.

Steve walked by her side down the street, wondering where they were going after taking numerous turns. The most exploring of New York he had done so far was walking a few blocks from the facility to the gym, but Hayley knew this city a lot better than he did. They passed stores that specialized in selling products he had never heard of, walked by people in costumes he didn't understand and saw more things in the twenty minute walk than he had since waking up.

Hayley noticed his confusion with everything they passed, but she didn't want to start the day by lecturing him on everything they saw. Steve wasn't a child, he understood very well that he had missed a lot of things while he was in the ice and Hayley wasn't going to baby him over it. She understood what her role was in this assignment though, however she had her own methods.

They continued walking until their surroundings became busier, the sidewalk much more crowded and the buildings a lot taller. Steve could feel his heart beating faster in his chest as he looked up at the flashing lights and screens on the side of the buildings, the sight reminding him of the first thing he saw when he woke up in this new world.

''Terrifying, right?'' Hayley looked up at him, folding her arms and making sure he was okay.

''It's not that bad,'' Steve responded in a voice just louder than a whisper, his hands slipping back into his pocket.

''You don't have to lie to me,'' she shook her head, looking back to the buildings.

Steve took a moment to process how crazy this environment was. He remembered running out into the street and seeing this, his first vision of the world since 1945, and he remembered it being just as busy that day as it was now. However with the adrenaline of waking up, having Nick Fury chase him into the street, he hardly had enough time or knowledge to realize how insane it all was.

Cars honked their horns, people yelled at one another and advertisements roared around him as the noises swirled in his head. He didn't know why she had brought him back here, Steve was sure he wasn't going to be able to stay here much longer. However when Hayley grabbed his arm and turned his attention to her, the noises around him softened slightly when she began talking.

''Steve, this is Times Square in New York City, one of the busiest, craziest and most technology-fueled places in the world,'' she began, holding his attention. ''This is as bad as it gets,''

''Why are we here then?'' he asked.

''Because if you can stand here and stay calm, you're gonna be just fine,'' she explained with a smile. ''I promise,''

Steve looked back at her with a nod, appreciating her faith in him even when he wasn't so sure himself. He had done a lot of unimaginable things in his life and Steve was sure there was nothing that would surprise or overwhelm him much anymore, but that was before he woke up. However he had a feeling he was indeed going to be just fine.

After walking around for a few minutes in the city, Hayley figured they might as well get a start back to the quieter streets. She wasn't a fan of the busy city either and she figured Steve had seen enough of it for now. She wanted him to know that Times Square was truly the craziest it was going to get in his world, that what he was dealing with didn't have to seem as complicated. Hayley just hoped she could help him through this. Steve had told her about refusing SHIELD's help and wanting to do this all on his own, but when she saw his face in the street just now and the confusion in his eyes, she knew that he wasn't okay.

Steve remained quiet as they walked further and further away from the busy area, wondering how so many people could fit in just a few streets. Before starting this day, Steve had no idea how Hayley was going to start this process. She was unreadable, he couldn't predict what she was going to be like and he was happily surprised that it didn't feel like the beginning of a lengthy mission, instead it felt like a friendship.

''You know New York pretty well,''

Hayley shrugged as they walked, looking over the traffic that passed.

''Well enough,''

''Did you grow up here?''

''No, I grew up in Chicago. I'm used to busy streets, but I still hate them,'' she huffed, people brushing against her shoulder as they passed. ''You did though, didn't you?''

''In Brooklyn, yeah,'' Steve nodded. ''Wasn't anywhere near this busy back then,''

''Have you been back?''

''No, not yet,'' he shook his head.

''We could go one day, if you want,''

''Yeah, that'd be good,''

They continued walking a few more streets in silence, slowly entering roads with fewer people. The entire city of New York was busy, but after being in Times Square it really put things into perspective. Steve was glad that he had gone back there and seen it for what it was. When he woke up and ran into the busy street, his mind was going that fast he couldn't process anything. But Hayley had assured him if he could stand there around all of that chaos he could get through everything else and Steve believed her.

As they continued their walk, Hayley began explaining to Steve that she really didn't have a plan for this whole thing. If he needed help with something he was unsure of, he was going to have to ask her about it. She couldn't read his mind and if this was going to work he had to stop being so stubborn about doing this all on his own. However, her lecture was brief, just wanting Steve to know that she would help him with anything, but he had to let her know.

Steve wanted to tell her the same thing, that she could talk to him about what she was going through or ask him for help, but he didn't know how to bring it up, and maybe he wasn't supposed to.

''Want a hotdog?'' Hayley asked, pointing at the vendor at the corner. ''I think you're the only person that can actually settle the debate on whether or not they've gone downhill or improved since the '40s, ''

Steve couldn't help the genuine laugh that escaped his lips. He was slowly realizing that one of the reasons he was more comfortable around Hayley was that she didn't give him pity over his situation. She didn't apologize for the inconvenience of him waking up almost 70 years later into the future, instead she spoke about it as if it was a common thing. He didn't feel so alienated around her.

''That's a lot of pressure,''

Hayley grinned as she walked over to the vendor, returning to him a few moments later and handing him the food. They were standing on the side of the road in the shade of the buildings, watching as the cars sped past and people continued on with their day. Everything seemed so normal. Steve hadn't felt that in a long time and Hayley didn't even know if she was capable of of it anymore, but here they were.

Eating in silence, Hayley and Steve both leaned back onto the building behind them and relaxed, observing everyone else around them. Steve would never grow bored of watching how much things had changed, but he was getting better at accepting it now. It had only been a few hours into their first day and Steve was already noticing how easier things were with Hayley.

''So what's the verdict?'' Hayley asked, her mouth still full of bread. ''Better or worse?''

''Well, considering I ate exactly three of these at Coney Island in 1940 and threw up, I haven't got much to go on,'' he explained, scrunching up the piece of paper in his hands. ''But they taste almost the same,''

Hayley shrugged, taking the last bite of her hotdog.

''I guess some things don't change,''

* * *

><p>Despite her worries over the day, Hayley was surprised at how well it went. After they had finished walking around the city and the sun began to set, they both walked back to the facility and parted ways once inside. It didn't feel like it had been the first day of an assignment, it didn't even feel like they were doing anything because SHIELD made them, it was nothing like that. It was relaxing and it was easy.<p>

Hayley hadn't had a day like that in a long time. Every day was the same to her and it usually consisted of being on her own. Being around Steve today made her realize how much she missed being happy. Joking with Steve and talking about things that didn't involve SHIELD, working out, training, field work or anything like that was surprisingly refreshing. It reminded her that her life wasn't always like this, that these past few months hadn't always been her life.

But once she was back in her apartment and alone again, all those happy thoughts in her mind faded away back to the darkness that had been plaguing her. She had tried to push past the thoughts and fall asleep, but she knew it was a waste of time.

The echoes of the guns, the rattling of the ground beneath her feet every time a bomb went off, the voices that called out to her and finally the feeling of warm blood on her skin all added up to Hayley jolting straight up in her bed, gasping for air. Her loud panting lasted a few seconds before she realized she was covered in sweat, her hair matted to her forehead and her skin radiating heat.

Throwing the blankets from her body, Hayley rushed into the bathroom and while fully clothed in her pajamas, stepped into the shower and turned on the icy cold water. She had found it to be a helpful remedy when waking up like that, but it was torturous. Her whole body trembled underneath the water in response to both her nightmare and the chill of the droplets, but she couldn't bring herself step back out yet. She had lost count of how many times she had repeated this routine, but it was only a cruel reminder that no matter how many good days she had, her horrors wouldn't stop following her.

* * *

><p>Blake arrived at Hayley's apartment the next morning at eight to find her in the kitchen starting at a glass of green mush.<p>

''What's that?'' he asked, walking over and taking his usual seat on the other side of the bench.

''A smoothie. But I changed the recipe about three times since I started so I have no idea what it is now,''

With a disgusted look on his face, Blake watched as Hayley drank the mixture, a blank expression on her face once she was done. Hayley was still against taking the pills that Dr Rafferty had prescribed to help her sleep and calm down, but she had grown desperate enough to research other methods. After spending three hours at the gym earlier in the morning when she had given up trying to sleep again, she had found a concoction that was supposed to help. However the taste might not have been worth it.

''No,'' she shook her head, sliding the glass away from her. ''Bad idea,''

Blake chuckled and shook his head.

''So how was yesterday?''

''It was fine,'' she shrugged.

''Really? I had a feeling you wouldn't exactly have a plan for it,'' Blake told her. ''I mean, you didn't seem excited or anything,''

''It's not really something to get excited about,''

''Excited for an assignment is what I meant. Being busy,'' he explained.

Hayley looked at him for a moment, wondering if he even understood that this assignment involved her having to help Steve adjust to this world, it wasn't supposed to be pleasant all the time. this was his life. However she understood he would be happy to see her busy after everything he had watched her go through.

''It's just a distraction,'' Hayley told him. ''I'm not stupid, I know that's one of the many reasons SHIELD gave me this. I want to and will help Steve, but I'm not giving up on what I want Blake,''

The man sighed, almost rolling his eyes at the fact that she wouldn't let it go. He understood she wanted to get back into things the way they were, but things couldn't just work out like that.

''O'Connor, you're not getting back onto the field until you're approved by Rafferty and right now-''

''Right now it's not happening, I know that,'' she snapped. ''Blake I've been fighting for almost five years of my life, I'm not ready to walk away from it yet,''

''Maybe you need to,'' he suggested.

Hayley glared at him and shook her head.

''You don't get to decide that, only I get to. I'd be a lot better at proving I'm ready to go back if Coulson would give me clearance to train,''

''You keep forgetting you have PTSD,'' he reminded her. ''You have to take care of yourself before you get back into training,''

''The only way to take care of myself is to get back into training! I need my old routine back,'' she tried to explain.

Blake desperately wanted to make it clear to her that she wasn't ready to go back, but he thought it might be best if that news came from her own realization. He had seen agents with PTSD coming back to work and they couldn't handle it. Certain things would trigger their memories of trauma and that's what it took for them to see that they needed help.

Hayley was a stubborn woman, possibly the most strong-willed person he knew, and she wasn't going to keep accepting SHIELD's refusal. She would keep bringing it up and pressing the issue because she was so convinced that getting back into the field was the right move, she hadn't even stopped to think about what would happen if she really was back out there.

''Fine,''

Hayley looked back at her friend with a confused expression, wondering what he was answering.

''What's fine?''

''You want to get back into training? Tomorrow I'll take you out to the ranges and we'll see how it goes,''

''Really?'' she asked. ''Just like that you'll take me out there?''

''Yeah, if you think you're so ready, why not?''

Hayley thought for a moment, trying to figure out why he had suddenly offered such a thing, but it was best not to argue it.

''I'm ready,''

* * *

><p><em>*Shelter From The Storm - Bob Dylan<em>

**Thanks for reading guys! Also if you want to know the inspiration for this story and where the title came from, listen to _Mess Is Mine _by_ Vance Joy,_ it's the perfect song for this story :)**


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm in a foreign state_  
><em>My thoughts they slip away<em>  
><em>My words are leaving me<em>  
><em>They caught an aeroplane<em>

* * *

><p>''Right, and then if you press that you'll do a video call but I don't think many people do that anyway so don't worry about it,''<p>

Hayley handed the phone back to Steve, watching as he nodded in understanding. He had asked her in the most subtle, shy way to explain a few basics to him so that he didn't feel so lost. It was hard for Steve to admit whenever he needed help, but asking about a few buttons on his phone shouldn't have been difficult. He just hated people looking at him with pity because he didn't understand things as well as they did.

''Oh right, and how do I stop those alerts?'' he asked, remembering another thing he wasn't sure about.

Hayley didn't get annoyed at any of his questions though, she just explained everything as carefully and easily as she could. They hadn't exactly had a plan for that day, both meeting one another at the gym for their usual workout which had turned into a technology session as they both sat on the hard floor. Steve was relieved that Hayley welcomed his questions instead of looking at him as if he was silly for not working it out on his own. It was far less intimidating than he thought it would be.

''Thanks, I appreciate it,'' Steve told her once she was finished explaining. ''Maybe I'll actually know how to use this thing now,''

''You'd be surprised by how many people don't know how to use their phone, it's not just you,'' Hayley assured. ''And considering they were far from invented in the 40's, I think you're allowed to not be an expert in that field,''

Steve shook his head.

''I don't like being so behind on everything,''

Hayley looked over to him, noticing the intense look on his face as if he was thinking about every single thing he had to catch up on. None of this was his fault, it wasn't fair that he was made to feel like this.

''Don't be so hard on yourself,'' she advised, nudging his shoulder. ''I know I'm not the best teacher but I _will_ help you catch up on everything you want to know,''

Turning to meet her gaze, Steve's lips turned into a grin as he admired her dedication.

''You're a good teacher,''

''You don't have to lie to me,'' Hayley chuckled. ''It's our second day together and I didn't even have a plan,''

''But I just learnt how to use my phone properly,'' he pointed out happily. ''You taught me,''

''That's true. Maybe we'll just wing this whole assignment, seems to be working so far,''

They fell into comfortably silence for a few minutes as they both looked around the empty gym that they claimed as their own. Steve never thought he would be this happy to have SHIELD helping him adjust to life, but it was all because of Hayley. She didn't make him feel like a 93 year old man that had woken up from ice or some alien that didn't understand anything about the world, she treated him like an equal and it had restored more of his confidence in one day than he had in weeks.

Hayley liked having someone to spend time with also. Blake was her best friend, but he was also a good friend of her brothers and she couldn't help somehow looking at him and seeing Nick. Blake was always worrying about her, it was hard to have a conversation without him analyzing everything she did. It was nice having someone else who didn't look at her like that, didn't see the damage that everyone else did.

''We need to add some stuff to this place,'' Hayley announced.

''Like what?''

''A couch for one thing,'' she grumbled, sitting up on the hard floor and crossing her legs. ''No one else comes here anyway, I basically own it. Also, it's the only place SHIELD can't see us, so I suggest we use it as our headquarters,''

Steve sat up too, leaning his elbows on his knees.

''Headquarters? Sounds professional,''

''It makes sense. SHIELD can't see us and I'll be able to tell you anything you want about the past 67 years,'' she shrugged. ''Plus I can't stand being in that building all day,''

''Me neither,'' Steve nodded. ''I don't agree with how SHIELD does things, setting up this place sounds a lot more appealing than anywhere else we can be tailed,''

''Good, we'll start setting it up tomorrow,'' she agreed, pausing for a moment. ''Oh wait,''

''What?''

''I'm...I can't tomorrow,'' she shook her head. ''I'm going to the shooting range,''

Steve's eyebrows creased in concern.

''By yourself?''

''No, with Blake, I still don't have clearance to any SHIELD training sessions. It's stupid,'' she rolled her eyes. ''But I have a chance to change that tomorrow,''

Something about the way Hayley spoke worried Steve. She was incredibly determined to get back into the field and even though they hadn't spoken about it in depth before, Steve knew that she was struggling with the fact that she couldn't. Blake had informed him on Hayley's diagnosis and he understood what had happened in her past which just made him all the more suspicious as to why Blake was taking her there.

Hayley knew that Steve was aware of her PTSD and had been told the basics of why she wasn't allowed back on the field, but she hadn't brought it up during their time together yet. She couldn't talk about it with him, she couldn't change him into one of the many people who looked at her differently, like she was broken and suffering. But tomorrow she could change that.

* * *

><p>Steve hadn't noticed how quiet his apartment was until he heard someone knocking on the door the next morning. He was usually awake very early, trying to keep himself busy by reading books, articles and slowly expanding his knowledge on the past 67 years. Visitors were very rare, but in a SHIELD building Steve assumed it was because they were already keeping an eye on him from a distance.<p>

''Captain Rogers, it's Agent Blake,''

When Steve opened the door, he found the man outside leaning against the wall with his arms folded and a yawn threatening to escape his lips. It took all of two seconds for Steve to remember that Blake was supposed to be accompanying Hayley to the shooting range that day and he immediately thought something had gone wrong.

''Is there a problem?'' he asked.

''No,'' Blake shook his head, pulling himself off the wall. ''I just wanted to ask if you'd like to join me and O'Connor today at the range,''

Steve thought for a moment.

''I don't think that's a good idea,''

''Why not?''

''Because I know how sensitive she is about getting back into training, I don't want to get in the way,''

''You won't be. Look, she's gonna need support today and since you two are in this assignment together now, I think today would be a good chance for her to know that you're there for her too,'' Blake explained.

Steve did want to help Hayley, he wanted her to know that he could be there for her just like she had been for him over the past few days. But this was personal, Steve didn't want to nudge himself into something he had nothing to do with.

''I don't know if she'd want me there, it's not my place,''

''She doesn't even want _me_ there. She's a horribly stubborn woman, but she needs to know she's got people who care whether she wants them or not,''

Blake was right, Hayley seemed like the person who would do absolutely everything on her own if she had to option. However in times like this she needed to know she had the support of those around and since Blake and Steve were the only people she had contact with, Steve wanted her to know that he was one of those people.

* * *

><p>Hayley stared out the window of Blake's car as they drove further away from the busy streets and toward the off-site shooting range after Blake explained the SHIELD training range was in use. When he had come to pick her up that morning and Hayley saw Steve following behind him, she didn't know what to say. It wasn't that she didn't want Steve coming with them, she just didn't understand why he would want to be there.<p>

However Hayley knew that it would have been Blake who extended an invitation to Steve, and she wasn't about to questions his decisions. If she argued or criticized anything, she knew that Blake would easily change his mind and not take her to the range. She couldn't get on site without him, therefore she remained quiet in the passenger seat. In fact they all remained quiet, wondering how the morning was going to go.

''So this place is gonna be all ours,'' Blake looked over to Hayley. ''I made sure,''

''Gee thanks. Everyone must think I have the plague or something,''

''Hey I'm just trying to make it as easy as possible for you,''

''I know,'' Hayley nodded.

Steve watched her from the backseat, noticing her fingers flexing into a fist and back out again. He knew that she was desperate to prove she was ready to go back into training, but she was clearly nervous.

Nothing else was said as they drove in through the gates and into a military-like training ground. There were large warehouses all over the place, all with specific equipment inside. Steve wondered if the training these days was the same as it used to be, he couldn't see it changing much through time, but nothing would surprise him if it did.

After continuing a few minutes down the road until they could finally see the targets in the distance, Blake pulled the car to a stop and looked over at his friend in the passenger seat. Hayley didn't show any nerves to Blake, no shakiness and no second thoughts. Instead, she opened her door and jumped out, stalking her way over to the benches.

''This is SHIELD's?'' Steve asked Blake as they both began following.

''All of it,'' Blake nodded. ''The military unit uses it mostly, but any SHIELD agent is permitted. It's pretty well hidden though,''

''Are you sure this is a good idea?'' Steve spoke quietly so only Blake could hear him.

They both looked over to Hayley who was glancing around the range, eyeing the targets in the distance and seeming to be in deep thought.

''She says she's ready, there's nothing I can do to change her mind,'' Blake sighed. ''Which is why I wanted you here too, because I think today she'll realize she's not,''

They walked over to where Hayley was standing and were met with a keen grin, one that assured them she wanted to do this. Hayley had been here many, many times to train, but being here now with Blake and Steve, everything felt different. She was sure that she could do this but she couldn't shake the nerves that were beginning to overtake her.

Blake unlocked one of the lockers nearby that put all other lockers to shame. It was clearly custom made for SHIELD as Blake swiped his I.D card in front of the hidden scanner and it opened itself up, six guns inside all waiting to be used. Steve stared at all of them, realizing how much they had even changed over time. There were two pistols and the others were rifles.

''We'll start with this today,'' Blake picked up one of the pistols, readying it for her.

Hayley nodded in response, looking over to Steve who seemed worried about the whole thing. She gave him a light smile in return, trying to let him know this was all fine.

''Are you doing some target practice today?'' she asked him.

''Just observing today,'' Steve shook his head. ''I think it's safe to say guns have upgraded quite a lot since I last used one,''

''We'll have to get you into training one day,'' Blake told him.

Hayley walked off and stood by one of the markers, looking out into the field. It had been a long time since she had seen those targets in the distance. Everything looked the same as she remembered, but so different as well. The last time she was here her team was getting ready to leave for Europe on SHIELD's orders for an operation, but even though they had gone on many before, Hayley remembered feeling eerie about that one. It turned out to be the operation that would change her life and take away someone she loved forever.

Standing off to the side, Steve watched as Hayley stared out at the targets, wondering if she was okay. He could see she was thinking about something, the way her eyes were narrowed and her teeth looked like they were biting into the lip. However she stopped once she heard Blake walking toward her.

''Okay,'' he took a deep breath. ''Are you ready?''

Feeling her heart pounding hard for the first time, Hayley nodded in reply. She didn't know if Blake looked disappointed when he began handing her the gun, but she didn't care, her eyes were fixed on the grip of the pistol. She hadn't shot a gun since that day, in fact she hadn't even held one, but she was prepared for this. Just like taking Steve to Times Square on their first day of helping him adjust, she was starting with the worst it could get.

Blake stepped away then, letting her decide on a target and focus, joining Steve off to the side to observe.

Taking her few steps over to her mark, Hayley thought they had added a ton of weight to the small pistol since the last time she'd held one. It felt unbelievably heavy in her hands, it's presence the only thing on her mind as she lifted it up, cupping her other hand. Hayley knew how to do this, how to focus on a target and pull the trigger but right now everything seemed so complicated.

She could feel Blake and Steve's gaze on her as she stood there a while longer, feeling the gun in her hand and taking a deep breath. This would be her chance to show everyone she was still the same soldier she had always been. Her skill took over when she focused on the target out in the field, pausing for a few brief seconds before pulling the trigger.

_O'Connor!_

The noise pierced through her ears as the gun's vibration rattled through her hands and up her arms. As soon as the bullet left the gun, her head began pounding faster than she ever thought possible.

_O'Connor! Get down! _

Hayley's chest was heaving now, her breathing coming out in uneven gasps. Everything in front of her was blurring, her vision mixing with her worst memories. Soldier's voices echoed through her mind as she tried to regain her focus on the target, but she couldn't escape them. The sound of the bullet firing just took her right back to where she was that day, her brother standing in front of her with wide eyes as he realized a bullet had just hit the side of his chest.

_''O'Connor is down!''_

_Hayley ran over to her brother who was only metres away, dropped to his knees as he clutched his chest. The other soldiers moved around them, pushing the line further as to get the fighting away and allow for a medical team to come in. _

_''Nick!'' she shook her head, her hands holding his shoulders. ''Hey, look at me Nick, don't look at that!''_

_''Shot,'' he murmured, his voice soft and disbelieving. ''I got shot,''_

_Nick's bulletproof vest proved to be useless. The bullet had managed to hit him from the side as his arm was raised, piercing through the small unguarded area and into his chest. He groaned as he fell forward, Hayley moving fast to catch him and kneel down to hold him._

_''Medic's are coming now Nick,'' she told him._

_''It hurts Hayls,'' _

_Hayley felt warmth on her arm, looking to see that his blood was quickly spilling onto her skin. It was a gruesome sight, but she couldn't let herself be taken by it. She had to focus on keeping her brother calm while the med team found their way over. There was so much blood, it was all happening too fast._

_''It's okay Nick,'' she told him, her voice trembling along with her hands as she held his head in her lap. ''People get shot,''_

_''People get shot,'' he repeated with a nod, trying to remain calm through the pain. ''I don't...''_

_''Shh, just relax-''_

_Hayley was cut off by an explosion in the distance rumbling through the ground. Instead of worrying about that though, she kept her hold on her brother and looked around for the med team who were nowhere in sight. They were alone._

_''They'll be here soon Nick just hold on,'' she encouraged. _

_Nick grabbed her hand in his, gripping it with whatever strength he had left. Hayley could see his skin draining of color, but there was nothing she could do. She could hear his breathing dying down to faint gasps, his hands slowly falling from her hands. _

_''Nick?'' she asked, her fingers shaking as she put her hand on his cheek. ''Hey, keep your eyes open Nick,''_

_When he didn't respond, Hayley began shaking his shoulders._

_''Nick? Come on Nick. Open your eyes Nick! Nick!''_

''Hayley,'' Blake's voice came into her ears. ''Calm down, let go of the gun,''

When Hayley looked down at her hands, her knuckles were white from how tight her grip was and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She faintly tasted blood in her mouth where she had been biting down on her lip as Blake managed to pry the gun from her hands.

Steve was nearby soon enough, staring at Hayley with concern as Blake unloaded the gun.

''Hey, it's okay,'' he told her as she looked up at him.

Hayley's hands were trembling as if she had been in a car wreck, her breath escaping in uneven, shaky breaths. Blake looked over to her with concern, but he didn't seem surprised by her reaction.

That was her chance to prove she was ready to go back into the field and she had completely ruined it. She had been pushing those memories so far back in her mind that she thought she didn't have to think about it anymore, that she could busy herself again and move on. However with one gunshot, it all came rushing back and ruined her.

Watching her made Steve wish he could make things better. He saw how distressed she was, her hands balled into fists as she tried to silently calm herself down. If anyone was in denial about her having PTSD, this moment right now was proof enough that it was serious.

''Come on, it's okay,'' Blake put his hand on her shoulder, but she didn't even respond. ''We don't have to do this today,''

Hayley moved away from his hand, walking over to his car and getting in. She couldn't think about people trying to comfort her right now, she needed to fix her mind on her own. Blake and Steve watched from a distance as she put her head in her hands, hoping she was going to be okay.

''You shouldn't have brought her here,'' Steve shook his head.

''She needed to realize she wasn't ready,''

''She didn't need to go through that,''

''It was the only way for her to see that she needs help. Bottling stuff up doesn't work and I'd rather her see that here at a range than out there on the field,'' Blake explained.

Steve understood, but he didn't know if he agreed. He knew what it was like to be haunted by memories, he didn't like seeing that happen to Hayley.

* * *

><p>The whole drive back to the SHIELD building was spent in silence, no one knowing what to say. Both Steve and Blake occasionally glanced at Hayley worriedly to see if she was okay, but she didn't move her attention away from the window. Once they had made it back to the building, Hayley had basically ran from the car after briefly muttering to them that she wanted to be on her own and after everything she had done so far that day, they didn't argue.<p>

However, hours later, after Blake had explained that it was best to leave Hayley to deal with this on her own, Steve had made his way up to her apartment. Even if she had a routine for dealing with this sort of thing happening, Steve didn't feel right letting her be alone all day after the morning she had been through. But when he found her apartment and received no answer at her door, he became worried.

Luckily Hayley had taught him plenty about his phone.

''Agent Blake?''

''Steve? Everything okay?''

''Hayley's not answering her door,'' he explained. ''I don't think she's okay,''

There was a long pause on the other line before a long sigh.

''I'll be there soon,''

* * *

><p><em>*Wings - Birdy<em>


	6. Chapter 6

Twenty minutes later, Blake had arrived and met Steve at Hayley's apartment. Using his spare key to get inside, Blake searched the rooms for any sign of his friend but soon came to the clear conclusion that she just wasn't here. SHIELD monitored everyone in this building when they came and left and it wasn't until he remembered her surveillance, along with Steve's, had been lowered as an agreement to their assignment that he realized she could be anywhere.

''Damn it Hayley,'' he shook his head, angry walking around her apartment.

''We have to find her,'' Steve put his hands on his hips. ''She's not stable,''

''I know,'' Blake sighed, running his hands through his hair in frustration. ''Takes me right back to a few months ago, she done this all the time. I'd come around looking for her and she'd be gone,''

''Where did she go?''

Before Blake could answer, he heard his phone ringing in his pocket. At first Steve thought it might have been Hayley, but when he saw Blake's disappointed expression, he figured otherwise.

''Hey Don,'' he answered in a voice that suggested he had the following conversation many times before. ''Yeah, I was beginning to think so. Okay, I'll be there soon, thanks for this,''

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Blake pinched the bridge of his nose in anger and exhaustion as Steve watched him nervously. Blake was easier to read than Hayley was, Steve could tell how frustrating this whole situation was for him but he still didn't know what the phone call meant.

''I take it that wasn't Hayley,''

''No, but I know where she is,''

* * *

><p>The sun was setting fast as Blake parked his car next to the curb in an area Steve was unfamiliar with. However considering how little he had gone sightseeing and exploring since he woke up, it didn't surprise him. He followed Blake onto the sidewalk and looked around, wondering where Hayley could be around here or how she even got here. Blake had explained that she was somewhere he used to find her all the time.<p>

''This doesn't seem right,'' Steve commented as they walked down an alley.

''It's not the nicest place,''

Once Blake had found the right door, he braced himself and walked inside, gesturing for Steve to follow. It wasn't long before music began to echo from down the narrow hall which lead them into a bar. Steve was shocked to see that this particular bar seemed to remind him of the ones he remembered in the 40's when he and Bucky would try and sneak inside. It was dark and had old furniture, the long wooden bar had cracks through it and there were a total of six people in the place, all split up into their own booths or slumped over the bar itself.

Hayley was one of those people.

''I'm sorry Blake,'' the barman walked over, his hands resting heavily on the bench. ''I was out all afternoon, I got a new guy workin' the afternoons and he didn't know we're not supposed to serve her,''

''It's okay, if she wasn't getting wasted here it would have been somewhere else in New York,'' he shrugged. ''At least I know where she is here,''

Steve walked over to Hayley as Blake followed behind him, concern taking over. She had her head resting on top of her arm on the bar while her other hand lazily gripped an empty glass. Steve finally realized how she had been dealing with her problems for the past few months. The answer lined the shelves in front of him. Alcohol.

''Hayley?'' Blake spoke, his hands pushing all the hair from her face. ''Hey wake up O'Connor,''

Hayley grumbled in response, turning her head away from him and burying it into her arm.

''How much did you drink?'' Steve asked her.

''Almost the whole damn supply,'' a man a few stools down replied. ''Quietest drunk I've ever met though I'll tell you that,''

Steve frowned, looking back to the now unconscious woman. He wanted to be angry at her for choosing his method of dealing with things, but he remembered a time that didn't seem so long ago to him when he had tried to do the same. When Bucky died, Steve drank bottles and bottles of scotch, whiskey, anything he could get his hands on, but it done nothing. The serum prevented him from getting drunk, it was useless. But he saw the appeal. There were problems to deal with if you were too drunk to remember them.

Blake checked her over a few times, making sure that she was okay before trying to wake her up again. He tilted her head to the side and saw her eyes still closed, no intention of waking up for a conversation.

''Damn it,'' Blake shook his head, putting his hands on his hips. ''Two whole months without a drink and now this,''

''She went through a lot this morning,''

''No, she promised me no more of this no matter what. She promised she would try and get better,''

''She is trying,'' Steve defended firmly. ''She's been putting on a smile for you and everyone else every day to try and prove that she can handle it, she's bound to have her bad days. Blake, you can't blame her for wanting to drown out everything that happened today,''

''I'm not blaming her,'' Blake threw his hands up. ''I'm just...I can't watch her do this to herself anymore. For months I saw her in this routine, I can't do it anymore. She needs to talk to someone or it's going to get worse,''

Steve agreed with him there, she did need to talk to someone and he vowed to somehow reach out to her. Hayley needed to figure this out instead of drinking away everything that hurt her, and he was going to help her in anyway he could.

''Let's get her home,'' Blake sighed, beginning to lift her arm.

''I got it,'' Steve insisted, stepping forward and wrapping his arms under her shoulders and legs, lifting her into his arms.

Hayley's head rolled onto his shoulder and rested there as Steve began walking out behind Blake, glad to get out of this place. He might not have known Hayley very well just yet and they may have only just begun their friendship, but it pained him to see her like this.

* * *

><p>Hayley had been leaning against Steve in the backseat for the entire drive home, completely unconscious. Every now and then Steve gently pushed her hair away from her face, checking to make sure she was okay before looking back out the windows at the lit up city.<p>

When they finally made it back to the building, Steve carefully gathered Hayley back up into his arms after hearing her grumble unhappily. It only took a few seconds for her to fall back to sleep, her head once again resting on his shoulder as he walked toward the door of the SHIELD facility. Both he and Blake were happy that there weren't any agents or officers roaming the halls as they made their way up the stairs, Steve insisting he could take her to her apartment.

Once they made it to her door, Blake had enough time to open it and let Steve inside before answering his phone. The life of a SHIELD agent proved rather busy. Steve maneuvered around Hayley's furniture with care as he found his way to her bedroom, gently laying her down and make sure her head rested comfortably on the pillow before standing back up straight.

Hayley let out a few tiny groans as she adjusted to the change, her breathing returning to normal once she fell back into her deep sleep. Steve watched her for a while, wondering if she was going to wake up and be confused by what was happening, but she didn't. She looked so peaceful, Steve found it heartbreaking that she had to intoxicate herself so much just to get away from her own nightmares.

When he left her room a few moments later, he made his way back to Blake in the living room who was just finishing his phone call.

''Hey, she awake?''

''No, completely out of it,'' Steve shook his head.

''Listen, I have something in Washington I have to get to, I can't back out,'' he explained. ''I don't like leaving right now but...''

''It's your job,'' Steve nodded. ''It's okay, she's lucky to have someone who would do what you did for her tonight, I'm sure she'll appreciate it,''

''I just want her to get better,''

''It'll take time, but I promise I'm going to try and talk to her,'' Steve told him. ''And I'll stay here with her until she wakes up,''

''Thanks Steve,'' Blake put his hand on the man's shoulder. ''You're a good man,''

A few moments later, Steve was left on his own in Hayley's apartment. He stood in the middle of the room, looking around as if he was lost, the sound of Hayley's rhythmic breathing from her bedroom the only noise he could hear. It made him feel better knowing that she was resting for a while, hopefully until morning, because he knew how much she needed some sleep. Just like he did, but right now that could wait.

Steve had taken up occupancy on Hayley's couch, reading one of the books he had found on her coffee table with _Harry Potter_ written on the cover. Every now and then he would notice her soft snores die away but it only took a few moments for them to pick back up again, reassuring him she was still asleep. Steve didn't know what to expect when she woke up. She could be mad at him and Blake for finding her, embarrassed and ashamed at herself or she could shut him out completely and leave again. He wasn't going to let her do this to herself again though, Steve was going to start picking up his end of the assignment's requirements. But it wasn't for SHIELD's sake, he genuinely wanted to help Hayley.

A few hours had passed and the darkness outside was slowly becoming lighter. Steve had dozed off a few times on the couch only to be awoken by his paranoia, looking around quickly to remember he wasn't in his apartment. Hayley's place was a lot different to what he had expected. There wasn't much of anything. No shelves full of belongings and ornaments, no pictures hanging on the wall, nothing that made it clear Hayley lived there. But Steve knew that Hayley wouldn't have wanted to get too comfortable here since her main goal was getting back out, so she never let herself make a home.

In the middle of scanning around the room lazily from the couch in the early hours of the morning, Steve could hear Hayley's breathing beginning to change in the bedroom across from him. It was faster, panicked, as if she was hyperventilating. He hesitated for a moment before getting up and making his way over to the door, gently pushing it open slightly to see if she was okay.

Hayley's right hand was wrapped around her left arm, her fingers digging into the skin as if she was trying to break through the bones and her eyebrows creased together with concern. Steve didn't know if he should do something since she was clearly suffering a nightmare and he knew that waking someone up was a terrible idea. He was sure that if someone woke him from the nightmares he had, it wouldn't end well. However as Hayley's breathing became more panicked, Steve noticed that her nails were piercing through her skin.

''Hey,'' Steve walked over to her, kneeling down and putting his hand carefully on her arm. ''Hayley?''

''It won't come off,'' she replied in a hazy whisper.

Her fingers kept digging further into her skin as she remained in her nightmare, Steve watching on helplessly. He didn't want to wake her up, but if he didn't she was going to end up hurting herself. Prying his fingers beneath hers to try and pull her away, Steve almost had her hand away from her arm before Hayley jolted up in her bed, eyes wide with fear.

''It's okay,'' Steve put his hands up in surrender, immediately trying to show her he wasn't going to hurt her. ''It's just me, Steve,''

Hayley stared at him, her chest heaving before looking down at her arm and seeing the red and swollen marks from her fingers. It was far from the first time this had happened and even though Steve was there, Hayley had to get up and rush to the bathroom, running into the shower and putting on her cold water. It was the only way she could truly wake herself up, shock herself back to reality instead of dreams.

Steve stood up and walked over to the bathroom door that she had left open, discovering the woman in the shower, fully clothed with her head hanging low in shame. Her brown hair soon became drenched, sticking to the sides of her face as she let the chilling water wash over her. Steve understood that this was her routine, her way of dealing with the dreams. Everyone had their own method.

He felt rude standing there as she tried to calm herself down, but just as he was about to leave the room, Hayley stopped the water and stared over to him. Steve tried to give her a light smile to show her that it was okay, she didn't need to be embarrassed, but Hayley just looked back at him sadly. Being the gentleman he was, Steve hurried over to the bathroom as she took a step out of the shower and reached for a towel to wrap around her shoulders, tucking it into her hands.

''You don't need to,'' Hayley told him with a shaky voice.

''I want to,'' Steve insisted, putting his hands on her shoulders.

Hayley looked up at him and pushed the hair away from her eyes, wishing that he didn't have to see her like this. Then everything started coming back to her. Drinking at that bar all afternoon, desperately trying to make herself forget everything she had been through that day. She vaguely remembered hearing Blake talk to her while she was passed out against the bar, and she also remembered hearing Steve.

They had both come to get her which meant Steve had seen where she was, what she had been doing to herself.

* * *

><p>A few moments later, after Steve had left her to herself, Hayley emerged from her room in clean clothes; a grey t-shirt and black shorts, her hair still damp. She had wrapped her arm in a light bandage to cover the numerous cuts she had given to herself during her nightmare. Steve met her in the living room with a glass of water, figuring she wouldn't be feeling too well. Hayley accepted the glass with a smile, taking a seat on the couch as he stood nearby.<p>

''I'm sorry,''

''For what?'' Steve asked.

''Everything,'' she shook her head. ''You shouldn't have to deal with this, these are my problems not yours,''

Steve sighed, folding his arms as he looked to her.

''You don't have to do this on your own, you can talk to people,''

''I should be over it,'' she told him. ''It's been almost 6 months since...I should be back on the field like everyone else and instead I can't even shoot a gun without having a panic attack,''

''There's no time limit on trauma, you deal with it for as long as it takes and sometimes it doesn't go away,'' Steve told her, knowing very well that all of those memories would never leave him. ''Don't take that out on yourself,''

Hayley ran her fingers through her damp hair, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath. She didn't know if it was still the alcohol in her system or the fact that she still felt exhausted, but all she wanted to do was cry. She held it together though.

''Why can't I move on from it?'' she asked, looking up at Steve with pleading eyes.

''Because you've been trying to deal with it all by yourself, you haven't talked to anyone,''

Steve was aware that he was sounding hypocritical. When Bucky died, Steve isolated himself just like Hayley did. He didn't want to talk to anyone because he was so sure it wasn't going to help. Reliving the memory wasn't going to help, nothing was going to let him move on except the hope that he could take down Hydra. Hayley's hope was getting back into the field and fighting, but it was impossible.

Hayley needed help no matter how fiercely she denied it.

''I don't know how to talk about it,'' she admit to him.

''Maybe you should go back to Dr Rafferty-''

''No,'' she shook her head immediately. ''I can't talk to someone who's gonna analyze me the whole time and look at me like I'm weak, Rafferty doesn't understand. SHIELD doesn't understand, I can't turn to them,''

''Then talk to me,''

Hayley looked up at him, seeing that he was serious.

''Steve...''

''You've helped me, let me help you,'' he urged. ''I'm not going to push you into it, but I can't watch you do this to yourself, I want to help,''

''This is my mess, you're the last person I want to drag into it,''

''You're not dragging me into it, I want to help you,'' he insisted. ''I'm your friend,''

Hayley smiled up at him.

''I know that, but...'' Hayley paused, her lip almost trembling. ''I don't want you to look at me like everyone else does,''

Steve's eyebrows creased in concern.

''Like what?''

''Like I'm completely broken. They looked at me like I'm weak and I don't want you to look at me like that, I don't want you to pity me,''

''I would never,'' Steve shook his head. ''I think you're far from weak. You have PTSD and yet you picked up and fired a gun yesterday, that wasn't weak, that was brave. Someone who was completely broken wouldn't fight back like that,''

Hayley had to turn away from him, unable to believe that someone would think that of her. She didn't see herself as brave no matter how many times she tried to fight back against her diagnosis.

''I just want it to leave me alone,'' she shook her head. ''The nightmares, the sounds,''

''I know,'' Steve reached out to put his hand on her shoulder. ''Me too,''

''I hate myself because I wish I wasn't there, I wish I didn't see it when he...'' she took a moment to take a breath, but when she looked up at Steve with watery eyes, her voice came out in a whisper. ''I miss him,''

Then before she knew it, she was doing something she hadn't let herself do in a long time. Hayley started crying.

Steve scooted next to her and pulled her onto his shoulder, wrapping his arm around her and rubbing her arm soothingly. In a way he was glad she was crying, she was finally seeing how much this was impacting her and was comfortable enough around him to let go like this, but it almost broke his heart to hear her sobs. He had never saw her like this, but he knew it meant progress.

Steve wasn't sure how much he would be able to help her or if she would take his offer seriously and open up to him, but in that moment when she was crying in his arms, he knew he wouldn't give up on her.

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><p><strong>Hey guys thanks for reading, leave a review and let me know what you think :)<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey here's another chapter, hope you guys enjoy it and please review, I'd love to know what you all think of the story so far :) Thanks for reading.**

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><p><em>We have no past we won't reach back<em>  
><em>Keep with me forward all through the night<em>  
><em>And once we start the meter clicks<em>  
><em>And it goes running all through the night<em>  
><em>Until it ends there is no end<em>

* * *

><p>Steve had let Hayley lean on him for as long as she needed, running his hand soothingly along her arm as she tried to stop her sobs. It had been a long time since Hayley had let herself do this and she couldn't help feeling embarrassed that her body and mind had chosen that moment with Steve to do so.<p>

After pulling herself away from him, Hayley had excused herself to go have a hot shower in hopes to make herself feel better. Not only was she dealing with the fact she had just had a meltdown in Steve's arm, but the consequences from her evening of continuous drinking were finally surfacing. Hayley had argued that Steve didn't need to stay with her, but he had insisted he stay, using the excuse that since the sun was now up, they were technically back on assignment and therefore would be spending the day together anyway.

Hayley hated looking at herself in the mirror. She looked exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and messy hair that she managed to brush down to sit just on her shoulders. Opening up the medicine cabinet, Hayley pulled out a bottle of Pepto Bismol and walked back out into the living room. Steve was nowhere in sight and for a moment she thought he might have actually left. She was surprised by the pang of disappointment she felt when she thought she was alone again, but she soon found the man in her kitchen.

''I was going to make you something to eat,'' he explained when he heard her take a seat at the bench.

''Oh, I don't really have the biggest selection of...well anything. And you don't have to do that,''

''I know, but I wanted to. You should eat something,''

''Maybe later,'' she nodded, unscrewing the cap on the pink bottle.

Steve looked at her with concern as she gulped down a few mouthfuls of it's contents. Hayley saw his gaze.

''It's medicine,'' she told him, putting the lid back on and pushing it away. ''It helps with nausea,''

''Are you feeling sick?''

''My stomach feels a little off, but I guess I deserve that,''

Steve leaned against the bench, watching as Hayley rubbed her eyes tiredly. Even with her few hours of unconsciousness, she still hadn't caught up on enough sleep to get her through the day without a yawn.

''Are you okay?'' he asked. ''And I'm not talking about nausea,''

Hayley looked up at him with an appreciative smile.

''Yeah, I'll be okay. I just haven't done that in a while, it kind of took me by surprise,'' she told him. ''Thanks for that,''

''Anytime, I mean it. If you want to talk, cry or you just don't want to be alone, I'm here for you,'' he told her.

Looking up at him with a smile, Hayley couldn't help notice the slight tinge of red on his cheeks when their eyes met. Steve wasn't used to talking to people like this, at least not lately anyway.

''That goes for you too,'' Hayley reminded. ''Don't be stupid like me and run off to get wasted when you're having a bad day,''

''You're not stupid,''

''Well, it definitely wasn't my smartest idea,''

Steve thought for a moment, watching as Hayley unscrewed the lid of the pink bottle once again and took another swig, trying her best to settle her stomach. He was very familiar with being sick, he had spend most of his childhood suffering the fallout of the various conditions he had, but he had never experienced a hangover before.

''I did try your method before,'' Steve began. ''Back in 1945,''

''You ran off to get wasted?''

''My best friend Bucky...he died one day on a mission right in front of me. I watched the whole thing and I couldn't stop it,''

Hayley listened carefully, her eyes locked on Steve as he spoke. She had heard about Bucky Barnes' death, he was the only Howling Commando to die during their missions, but it all seemed so surreal to hear Steve actually talk about it. She could hear the pain in his voice as he skimmed over the details, not wanting to concentrate too much on it.

''When we got back to base, I couldn't be around everyone talking about it. I found the bar down the road that had been blown up, found a bottle of scotch and started drinking. But it turns out because of the serum I couldn't get drunk anyway,''

''You can't get drunk?''

Steve shook his head.

''But I'm sure that if I could, I wouldn't have stopped drinking from that point onward. I would have done anything to get away from it, to take something that helped me forget and let me sleep without watching Bucky die over and over again. But it's no way to live. Your problems just follow you wherever you go until you deal with them,''

''How did you deal with them? Since you couldn't get drunk,''

''I killed the guy responsible, took down Hydra, ended up submerged in ice and then woke up here,'' he told her. ''Now that I say it, I might not be the best example,''

Hayley gave a slight chuckle before shaking her head.

''That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to go back out and fight against all the bad guys that are just like the ones who killed my brother, but I can't. I want to do what you did for Bucky and I know it sounds like revenge but it's not,''

''It's redemption. You have to get justice for them,'' Steve nodded. ''I get it. But getting back out into the field isn't the only way to deal with everything,''

''It's the only way I now. For years I've been on the field with the military and then SHIELD, I have no where else to go. I can't go see my parents in Chicago because I can't face them after what happened, I can't go through SHIELD's system and I can't quit all of this because there's nothing else out there for me. I've never been good at opening up to people and in my line of work I haven't needed to, but I've never come to a road block like this. I can't do anything,''

Steve watched her try and explain how she felt, sensing how rare it was for her to do this. There were a few trembles in the words, a few short pauses as she tried to find the right way to say what she needed to, but Steve understood her just fine. Dealing with things wasn't exactly his area of expertise either but with the life he had, there had been no choice but to adjust and try to move on.

However he didn't know what advice he could pass on, he was still dealing with his problems just as she was, but he did know that he could offer a shoulder to lean on, and maybe that was better than anything else he could say to her.

''No one's asking you to quit, but no one want to see you get hurt,'' he told her. ''You've got people who care about you too much to let that happen, one of them being me,''

Hayley looked over to him with a smile.

''Right back at you Rogers,'' she pointed jokingly. ''Although I have a feeling the other person isn't my biggest fan right now,''

''Blake's just protective of you, he'll understand,''

''No he won't. I've done this too many times for him to understand, he probably hates me by now,''

''Hey, there's no way he could hate you. You just need to tell him what you just told me, he'll understand,'' Steve encouraged.

''I can't,'' she shook her head. ''I can't talk to Blake, he lost my brother too, I can't keep making him relive it like I do. I can't worry him anymore than I have,''

* * *

><p>Steve had returned home to his apartment late that afternoon when Blake finally arrived back from his assignment. Even though he had spent all day with her talking, Steve didn't exactly want to go home. His apartment was empty, silent, there was no memories in here and it only made him miserable to reminisce about everything he had missed. He liked helping Hayley, even if his part was only to sit there and let her cry or listen to her when she spoke up.<p>

Steve knew that Hayley was a closed off person much like himself and therefore he understood how big a deal it was for her to be talking to him like she was. It was a big improvement on what she was normally like, but he knew she had a long way to go. Just as he did.

Coping with living in a new time wasn't easy, but Steve dealt with it. He felt hypocritical to be telling Hayley she needed to talk to someone about everything going on when he couldn't even bring himself to admit to her that he wasn't okay either. They both had so much to work on personally, but they couldn't do it alone.

A few hours later when Steve had settled in to sit on the couch and watch a rerun of old television shows, Blake turned up at his door.

''Hey, I'm sorry I know you've been dealing with Hayley all day-''

''I haven't been dealing with her, I've been trying to help her,'' Steve corrected as he closed the door behind the agent.

''Yeah, that's what I meant. I just wanted to stop by and tell you again that I appreciate you looking out for her today when I wasn't here,''

''It's no problem,'' Steve shrugged.

''It means a lot to me,'' Blake continued. ''I've looked out for her for a long time now on my own and I know she's a big girl but I worry, you know? It's nice that I didn't have to worry when you were here with her,''

Steve smiled in appreciation.

''Well, I just want her to get better, and she will. You just need to give her more time, she'll get there,''

''I know, I've got to stop treating her like a kid apparently. We had a pretty big discussion about it all, I think we're on a good track now,''

''So you didn't lecture her about the drinking?''

''Oh I tried, but she quickly stopped me and explained that it was something she's been using as a crutch and she was going to do her best to rely on something else, maybe herself. I have a feeling you had a lot to do with helping her see things better,''

''Oh, no I didn't do anything-''

''You did, and she appreciates it. She trusts you and your opinion more than mine, probably because you understand a lot better than I do,'' Blake sighed, turning back to the door. ''Anyway, thanks Steve,''

Hearing the door click shut and leaving him in his apartment alone once again, Steve leaned back on the wall and let out a long breath. It was only now he was realizing how tired he was, but he knew it wasn't going to be easy getting a good sleep. However after the day he had with Hayley, we was willing to give it a chance, to move on.

_She trusts you._

* * *

><p>Hayley looked at her reflection in the mirror the next morning as he chest heaved, trying to catch her breath. A typical morning, nothing different about it. Her hair was dripping with freezing cold water, her body trembling in response to both the nightmare and the cold water it had been exposed to. This was just another thing she had to deal with, it would be bearable, she could do it.<p>

There was no reason to freak out and run, she couldn't do that anymore. She wasn't going to let herself be completely controlled by her condition, she was going to do everything she could to move on. Steve had told her that there was no time limit on trauma or grief, and she had realized that was what had been doing her damage all this time, that was what had been holding her back. Hayley didn't think she was worthy of still being upset by her brother's death, by still seeing him bleeding in her arms when she tried to sleep, by reliving that day over and over in her head. She had been rushing herself to get over it, but she didn't need to.

There was no time limit on grief, unfortunately. The only thing she could do was accommodate it, learn to live with the fact it would be following her through her life everywhere. She would accept it, work on dealing with it, but she wasn't going to let it get in her way anymore.

That day Hayley had woken up with a new outlook on life, a much more positive one, and although she knew she would have her bad days every now and then, she was sure that today wasn't going to be one of them.

Steve had just pulled on a t-shirt when he heard someone knocking on his door. He had managed to get more sleep the night before than any other, but he was still awoken by the sound of echoing gunshots and explosions. It would never truly leave him.

When he opened the door, he was pleased to be met with Hayley smiling back at him. She was wearing dark blue jeans and a grey shirt with a leather jacket, her hair down in a way that he hadn't seen before. Although he had always thought Hayley was attractive, he had never really noticed it as much as he was right now. Maybe it was the genuine smile on her lips.

''Hey,'' he greeted, his lips turning into a smile as well, mirroring her own.

''Morning,'' she returned, walking inside when Steve gestured for her.

''How do you feel today? I mean with the nausea and all,''

''No nausea anymore. I feel really good today, which is weird. I haven't felt good in a long time,'' she admit.

''That's good then,'' Steve nodded, happy for her.

''Do you have any plans today?''

Steve pretended to think for a moment, knowing fully well that he had absolutely zero plans for his day. Apart from going to the gym sometime, his days were always clear.

''No, I don't think so,''

''What would you say about going to visit your hometown today?'' she asked cautiously. ''You don't have to, I just thought it's a nice day and-''

''Yeah,'' Steve cut in eagerly. ''T-that sounds great actually,''

''Really?''

''Yeah, I've been wanting to go back for a while,'' he nodded. ''I just don't know how I'll...react,''

''Well I'll be with you the whole time, and if you don't want to be there, just tell me. No explanations or anything, we'll just go,''

Steve looked to Hayley with a smile, amazed that someone going through such struggles could still find enough it in herself to spend the day helping someone else, helping him. Hayley knew that Steve had wanted to go back to Brooklyn and she remembered days ago telling him that they would go one day, and after everything Steve had done for her yesterday, she thought it was the perfect opportunity.

* * *

><p>It had only taken a few minutes for Steve to ready himself for the journey back to his hometown where all of this really began. Pulling on a brown leather jacket and grabbing his keys, Steve met Hayley out in the hall moments later and close his door, ready to go.<p>

They were taking the subway to Brooklyn and Hayley briefed him on the basics of the system, telling him that it was best to just keep to yourself on the subway these days. It wasn't the nicest of places to be considering they were going to be in a crowded carriage full of people that were rude and in a rush.

''I was punched on a subway once,'' Hayley told him. ''Right in my nose, I thought I broke it,''

''Why?'' Steve asked, concerned for their journey now.

''I was sixteen and me and my friend Lisa were taking the Subway to New York late at night, being irresponsible, and I bumped into another girl's boyfriend and he caught me from falling so she punched me in the face,''

''Because her boyfriend helped you?''

Hayley nodded.

''I didn't understand either, but I didn't take the subway at night ever again until I was older. It's a scary place at night,'' she told him. ''I don't mean to scare you, I'm just saying this place is full of many not-so-nice people,''

''Yeah I've noticed,'' he nodded as they crossed the road, reaching the stairs leading to the underground station.

They didn't speak much on the subway, too distracted by the amount of people around them. A man had nudged Steve when he walked into the carriage, not bothering to apologize and pushing on through the crowd. Steve resisted the urge to say anything, knowing that people these days were nothing like the people he used to know. Courtesy and manners had gone downhill, nothing he said was going to change that.

Hayley and Steve stood very close together as their journey began, the group of people pushing them further and further until Hayley was wedged between the wall and Steve's chest.

''Sorry,'' Steve blushed, trying to make more room but not being able to even budge the crowd around them.

''It's okay, it's probably another ten minutes until we're there,'' Hayley told him. ''Sorry, I didn't think it'd be this busy today,''

''It's fine,'' he shook his head. ''New experience,''

Hayley smiled in return, hoping the ride would end soon. She didn't like putting Steve in this position, but he was holding up better than she thought. For someone who was new to this world, straight from the 40's, he was handling the subway very well.

When they finally made it to the Brooklyn station, Hayley was the first the exit. The crowed was also exiting at the same time and she was soon finding herself being pulled away by the stream of people. Quickly, she pushed back hard enough to get through to Steve, grabbing his hand and taking him with her as she hurriedly made her way to the stairs and rushed toward the surface of the station.

The sun was a brutal force on their eyes when they made it above ground, stepping away from the stair way and letting the constant flow of people drain into the streets in front of them. Hayley looked down and saw their hands were still locked together and let go gently, pulling her jacket tighter around her. Steve instantly felt the absence of her touch but chose to ignore his desire to turn to her, instead looking up at the streets before him.

This was Brooklyn. The place he grew up, made the memories he held so dearly to him, found his best friend and lived his life in a much different way to how it was now. This was the place he felt home, except everything was different. Almost seventy years had passed. Seventy years of rebuilding, restructuring and completely changing the Brooklyn he knew.

''What do you think?'' Hayley asked, looking up at him anxiously awaiting his reaction.

''It's different,'' he nodded. ''But...it's Brooklyn, this is my home,''

Hayley smiled, putting her hand on his arm to remind him she was right beside him through this.

''Shall we explore?''

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><p><em>*All Through The Night - Sleeping At Last Cover<em>


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys hope you enjoy the chapter, thanks for reading, leave a review and let me know what you think and thanks for following :)**

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><p><em>Have become all I lost and all I hoped for.<em>  
><em>But I must carry on<em>  
><em>Always one<em>  
><em>Never broken<em>

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><p>Hayley glared at a few people on the street as they stared at the man by her side. Steve wasn't rushing to take in everything and as a result he had become the slowest on the sidewalk. She had encouraged him to take his time, knowing full well that 67 years of change couldn't be processed with just a glance.<p>

It was hard to look at the buildings now and not see the way they used to be, the way he remembered them. There were tall buildings where there was once nothing and stores where he remembered people living. The streets were fuller and the houses were bigger, everything had changed.

''What used to be here?'' Hayley asked, noticing his focus being drawn to one of the coffee shops.

''A bakery,'' he told her, certain. ''And there was an alley beside it, I used to get beat up down there,''

''Next to a bakery? That's an odd place for a fight,''

''I got beat up behind almost every building around here, well every building that_ used_ to be around here,''

''Sounds like you had a problem walking away,'' Hayley spoke, folding her arms as she looked up at him.

''You start running you never...'' Steve trailed off, immediately noticing that his words mirrored the same conversation he had with Peggy Carter the day of his procedure.

To say Steve hadn't been thinking of Peggy over these past few weeks would be untrue. She came into his mind every time he thought about the things he had missed, the life he could have had. That life would have been with her. Steve knew that Peggy would have waited for him, searched for him desperately when he crashed that plane, but in the end she had moved on like he had wanted her to. Living her life waiting for him was something he didn't want to wish her on her, but now it was his turn to move on.

''You never what?'' Hayley asked.

''You never stop,'' he finished.

A few moments later they continued walking in silence, Hayley's arms still folded and Steve's hands still in his pocket. Their eyes scanned the buildings they passed, Hayley's attention turning to Steve occasionally to see if he was recognizing somewhere he used to visit.

Steve and Bucky had been everywhere in Brooklyn, there wasn't a part of it he didn't recognize. But everything had changed and he couldn't keep acting like it shocked him. Sixty seven years had passed, nothing was going to be the same.

Hayley navigated them around a few corners and blocks until she found the street that Steve had told her he grew up on, making sure he read the sign before they continued walking. She didn't want to drag him into anything he wasn't ready for, but she knew that Steve still wouldn't say no. He was here now and he wanted to see as much as he could, he had to come to terms with everything.

''14074,'' Hayley stopped in front of a building, pointing.

''This is it?''

The little apartment that Steve grew up in was gone. Instead of the small units he remembered, a newer apartment building was now in it's place. It stood taller than his old one did, the apartments looked bigger too. It was just another thing that was long gone.

''This was actually just recent,'' Hayley explained. ''They renovated the building a couple of times since the 40's but about three years ago they knocked it down and started again,''

''How do you know that?'' Steve asked.

Hayley held her phone up and grinned.

''Google,'' she shrugged. ''I actually don't know much about Brooklyn,''

''Well I guess now neither do I,'' Steve sighed, looking back up at the building. ''I thought it might still...I guess that's stupid,''

''It's not stupid,'' Hayley shook her head. ''Steve, what's almost seventy years to everyone else was like yesterday to you, no one blames you for hoping nothing had changed,''

''But it was silly to think I'd feel at home again. I know the world's changed but...'' he let out a deep breath, looking away. ''I just thought I wouldn't feel so out of place here, that maybe some things had stayed the same as I remembered,''

It was hard to offer comfort in a situation like this. Hayley didn't know what it was like to wake up almost seven decades into the future and have everything change, she couldn't understand how he was feeling and she didn't want to pretend that she did. She thought coming back here would be good for him, to show him that Brooklyn was still here, but so far all it had done was upset him.

Watching him glance back at the building and then around at all the other changes in the street, Hayley felt guiltier than ever. It was her job to help him adjust to the world, not depress him even more over everything he had missed and literally show him everything that had changed in the one place he felt he belonged.

Then, as she stared at his sombre expression, she had an idea. They had been here for over an hour now and all they had done was visit places Steve remembered that had been demolished and changed or completely removed, but there was one old building that Hayley knew was still standing and in business.

* * *

><p>Hayley looked down at her phone as she guided Steve through the streets, carefully stepping around people and crossing roads as she searched. Following directions on Google Maps was never one of her talents, but after ten minutes of walking, turning around and then turning back, they finally ended up standing out the front of an old bar.<p>

_Established 1923_

''Is this the same one?'' Steve asked, remembering the place.

''Yeah, it's the only one still in business,'' Hayley nodded. ''Have you been here before?''

Steve thought back to the time Bucky had tried to get him a date, again, and had dragged him to this bar. He would always tell Steve they were just going for a walk to find something to do but would always end up pulling him inside, intent on finding him a girl. It never worked out though. Steve was too shy and the atmosphere just wasn't for him, at least not back then when talking to people, especially women, would end in embarrassment.

Before he knew it, his lips were quirked up into a smile at the memories he had of him and Bucky wandering around Brooklyn. This was the only building still going, still doing the same thing it was in 1940, and that meant a lot to him. Hayley watched on happily as he nodded.

''Yeah, a few times,'' he told her. ''Had a lot of bad dates here,''

''Oh, touchy memories?''

''No, good ones actually,'' Steve chuckled. ''I wonder if it's still the same inside,''

Hayley put her hand out and suggested he go inside, hoping for his sake that it was just as he remembered. And it was.

Steve could smell the liquor that lined the shelves, the polish that had been used recently to clean up the floor and bar stools that were made of wood, and it took him right back to those evenings he had spent here all those years ago. Even the arrangement was the same. The bar was long and took up most of the room in the small bar, tall tables and booths filling the rest of the space.

''Why did they keep this place?'' he wondered.

''I think it's listed as a historical building now, you're not allowed to demolish them or renovate drastically,'' she explained, walking off and running her finger along the table. ''This is nicer than any bar I've been in,''

''It looks just like I remember it,'' Steve smiled.

Hayley was glad that she could bring him here to a memory that was still going, somewhere that hadn't changed or been destroyed. It may have been only a bar and not a home, but it was something that had stuck around and kept going, and that's all Steve wanted to see.

''Can I help you two?''

They both turned to see an older man walking out behind the bar, his hand leaning against the bench and a rag in his other hand.

''This place closes early today,'' he told them, gesturing to the empty room.

''Oh,'' Hayley nodded, looking over to Steve. ''Well we were just hoping to look around the place,''

''Nothing here but empty bar stools, and service is over for the day,''

Steve's jaw clenched at how rude the man was being, but Hayley navigated through it.

''Like I said, we're just looking around,''

''Right, and like I said this place is closing early,''

''Hey,'' Steve spoke up, walking out in front of Hayley to face the man. ''That's no way to talk to a lady,''

The man watched him carefully, hearing the warning in his voice. Hayley bit down on her lip, hoping that the man didn't say anything back that would anger Steve. She didn't want this experience ruined by some barman who didn't want to stick around until the end of the day.

''You got ten minutes then I'm locking up,'' the man told them before walking disappearing out the back.

Steve turned back to Hayley with a shake of his head. He would say that people have become ruder since his time, but the barman actually reminded him of the owner back in the 40's that would end up kicking all the younger customers out for getting too loud. Maybe that hadn't changed either.

''What an ass,'' Hayley complained, walking over to the other side of the room and looking at the old seats in the booths. ''How does a nice place like this manage to survive but still end up with a grouchy old owner?''

''Maybe it was passed down,'' Steve thought. ''It's nice to know it's still here though,''

A few minutes later they decided to leave, giving the room one last glace before stepping back out onto the pavement.

''We can come back another day,'' Hayley suggested. ''Hopefully when that guy isn't in charge,''

''It's okay, knowing it's there is enough for me,''

Looking up at him, Hayley felt a surge of respect for Steve. He could have been angry at how the man basically threw them out, she knew she would have been, but instead he just accepted it. Steve didn't need to spend his day there in order to feel better about his situation, it was just a nice feeling to know that some things hadn't changed during his time in the ice, no matter how few things there were.

* * *

><p>It was later in the afternoon when Hayley insisted they stop at one of the cafes along the street, her stomach rumbling with anticipation. Steve hadn't noticed until she suggested their stop that he was rather hungry as well, his mind on a million other things that day. The menu had a few things he was familiar with, but in the end he decided to order the same as Hayley.<p>

''Where do you want to go next?'' Hayley asked, finding them a table outside under an umbrella that provided a view of the street.

''I don't know,'' Steve shrugged, settling comfortably at the table. ''I don't think anything else I want to see will be there. What about you? Don't you want to see anything around here?''

Hayley thought for a moment, remembering that there was on area she wanted to visit. She hadn't been there since she was a child and she knew that Steve had fond memories of the place, but she didn't know whether he would want to go there today. He had been through a lot since their arrival in Brooklyn, Steve having to revisit places that no longer existed, seeing all of his memories torn down or rebuilt into something else. But she remembered Steve mentioning this place when they went to Times Square a few days ago and after almost seventy years of Steve being frozen in ice and missing so much, it was still there.

''Maybe,'' she considered. ''I'll make a decision after I eat, I'm too hungry to think,''

Steve laughed and watched as she looked to her phone one more time before putting it into her pocket and letting out a long sigh. It had been a long day already and Steve could see that Hayley was tired, but she kept a smile on her face the whole time, ignoring the yawn that wanted to escape her lips. She was far from bored, but sleeping was a struggle that Steve understood very well, the exhaustion never went away.

It made him appreciate the day a whole lot more. Not only did he like the idea of coming back to Brooklyn with someone he was comfortable with like Hayley, but he was glad that she understood this was a big deal for him. Any SHIELD agent would have assumed he was over his lost time already, but Hayley considered everything they did that day in order to make it easier for him. She had put her day and problems on hold for him and Steve couldn't explain how much that meant to him.

They were both pulled from their thoughts and watching the people on the street when their waiter sat their food down in front of them. Hayley looked over to him with a huge grin, picking up her fork and immediately digging into her pasta. Steve chuckled lightly as he did the same, looking up to see Hayley eyeing off the waiter again when he came over and put a milkshake beside her plate. Hayley's fork was put down immediately, pushing her plate forward to make room for the tall glass.

''You like milkshakes?'' she asked, scraping some of the whipped cream from the top of her glass.

''I never really drank them,'' Steve shook his head. ''Diabetic, at least I was. It never ended well when I had them,''

''I don't think I would have survived if I couldn't drink them,'' she shook her head, stirring the straw around. ''I remember coming home from my first deployment and the first thing I did was go out and get a chocolate milkshake,''

Steve continued eating, unable to keep from glancing up at Hayley who was playing with her straw as she drank, a smile on her lips as she looked at the glass. It was hard to see someone who right now looked so content and happy fighting on the field for months on end. When Steve was in the army, women weren't fighting alongside him like they were in the military today. Peggy was the only other woman he had seen on the field and she had fought hard to get there, refusing to take no for an answer.

''What made you join?'' he asked before he had a chance to stop himself. ''The army I mean,''

Hayley looked over to him as she continued drinking, waiting until the straw began to make loud slurping noises at the bottom of the now empty glass. She had answered this question many times, but it had been a long time now since she had to revisit it.

''My dad was in the army for years, but he got shot in the leg and was sent home. He always told me and my brother about how he wasn't done fighting, how he was still able to fight for his country,'' she explained, moving back to her pasta. ''He taught me that if you could fight for someone who couldn't, there was no reason not to. I wanted to do my part,''

''You followed in your father's footsteps,'' Steve concluded.

Hayley nodded.

''I don't think my mom was too impressed. Probably not the most ideal job for your daughter,'' she shrugged. ''Why'd you join?''

''I wanted to fight,'' Steve told her simply. ''I had a responsibility to my country and I didn't think I had the right to not do anything about it,''

''So you wanted to prove yourself?'' she asked, realizing it didn't come out the way she intended. ''Sorry, I just meant...I think everyone who joins has some intention to prove themselves,''

''Did you?''

''Absolutely,'' she shrugged. ''I was a 22 year old woman enlisting for the armed forces behind my dad and my brother, I had a lot to prove,''

Steve watched as she explained it to him without holding back, no shame in wanting to prove herself as well as fight. He knew that he had joined with the same idea, he wanted to prove he could do it as well. Steve was always the flimsy, sick, skinny kid who had Bucky to break up his fights even though he argued he had it all under control. Steve wanted to be the guy breaking up the fights, standing up for all those who couldn't.

''I guess I did have a lot to prove,'' he admit.

''And there's nothing wrong with that,'' Hayley shrugged. ''We all end up fighting the same war,''

''That's true,''

There was a brief silence before Hayley put down her fork once again and wiped her jeans of spilled pasta, looking over to Steve and making sure he was done eating. Granted they had spent most of the time talking and gazing out at everyone walking by, but the day was slowly draining away, they had to take advantage of it while it lasted. Not to mention their current conversation topic was bound to become depressing and painful, neither of them needed that right now.

''Come on,'' Hayley grinned, standing up and pushing her seat in.

''Where are we going?''

''Down memory lane, but this time for both of us,'' she told him, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a couple of bills.

''Hey, I'll pay,'' Steve jumped up, ready to get his wallet out.

''No, it's fine and it's done,'' Hayley slammed the money down onto the table, beginning to walk away. ''We have to catch a bus so let's get moving,''

Steve shook his head at the idea of her paying for their meal. It wasn't like that back in his time, but it was just another social change he had to adjust to. Walking away from the table, Steve smiled over to the woman waiting for him, wondering where they were going to end up.

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><p><em><strong>*Broken - Jake Bugg<strong>_

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	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys, just wanted to thank you for continuing to read this story and follow and favorite etc, I appreciate it.**

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**Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

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><p><em>You know that I could use somebody <em>  
><em>Someone like you, <em>  
><em>and all you know,<em>  
><em>and how you speak <em>

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><p>Hayley had been trying her hardest to keep where they were headed a mystery, but it was going to be no use once they got off the bus. Steve looked around at all of the streets and establishments they passed, noting how much things had changed yet still stayed the same. As different as it all was, he was sure that he could still find his way around the streets of his neighborhood without needing a map or any help. That wouldn't change.<p>

It wasn't until they began getting closer to the water and boardwalk that Hayley looked over to Steve, trying to get a read on him. This could either be a good idea or a bad idea, it was a risk she was about to take, but she hoped it was okay with the destination she had picked. They didn't say anything when the bus stopped, Steve just followed Hayley out onto the pavement, stepping back once again to allow all the other passengers to walk by.

That's when Steve looked around, unable to mistake the place, knowing exactly where he was.

''Coney Island,'' he smiled, looking over the big sign on top of the building.

Hayley sighed in relief at the tone of his voice.

''I thought we both haven't been here in a long time, while we're in Brooklyn we might as well check it out,'' she told him.

''You've been here before?'' he turned back to her.

''Yeah, my parents brought us here when I was about seven years old,'' she told him, putting her hands on her hip as she looked up at the colorful words. ''Hasn't changed much,''

''No it hasn't,'' Steve agreed, looking around at the old fashioned decorations and rides. ''Everything looks almost the same as I remember,''

''This place is listed on the National Register of Historic Places, so they like to keep it old fashioned,''

''It used to be busier,'' he noticed. ''The lines used to go down the block,''

''It was probably at it's peak back then, but they don't get the crowds they used to. It's a landmark though, no one doesn't know Coney Island. I only went on three rides here though when I visited, I wasn't tall enough,''

Steve chuckled.

''I understand that struggle. I don't know how they even let me on the Cyclone when I was here with Bucky one day,'' he remembered. ''Not that I had a choice, he dragged me onto the ride by my collar,''

Hayley enjoyed that Steve could speak about Bucky so comfortably with her, probably because she didn't pry into the bad memories, and she liked seeing that smile on his face whenever he would talk about him. It was obvious that Bucky was a brother and he missed him terribly, but being here at Coney Island brought back the good times he had with his friend. Bucky would want to be remembered as the friend that dragged Steve onto the Cyclone and pat him on the back when he threw up because of it, and Steve knew that, it was just hard to let go of what happened.

''Well I won't drag you onto it,'' Hayley nudged him. ''At least not today, it's not running,''

''I think I'd still throw up, serum or not,'' Steve admit.

''That's the fun in it,'' she laughed.

They walked down the road alongside the buildings and arcades, admiring that things were still in the same place, still looked the same and people still liked to visit. Steve always thought that compared to today's society, the one he grew up in was very outdated and probably boring, but it was nice to see that things he enjoyed as a kid were still relevant. He didn't know why it was so important to him to want to see that some things had stayed the same since his time, he knew that after so long everything would change, but it meant something to him.

It showed that what everyone did back then wasn't for nothing, that everything people worked for and fought for were still being appreciated. That's what made today with Hayley mean a lot to him because she appreciated all of those things, but she didn't do it in a way that made him seem old and miserable, she genuinely respected it like he did.

The sun was setting the the city as they made it to the wharf, looking out at the water and the amusement rides that surrounded them. Even though it was a quiet day at Coney Island, Steve was glad they had come here. Even without going on the rides or going to the arcade, it was nice to revisit the area. There had been a lot of memories brought back to him that day and he had seen places he used to go demolished and replaced with something bigger and better, but it had all been balanced out with good times.

Hayley had put a lot of effort into making sure Steve saw the reality of Brooklyn today but also that not everything had changed, that this was still the place he grew up in, his home. After these few months of trying to adjust on his own and thinking he wasn't ready to face certain things, Hayley had shown him everything he had been wanting to see in one day and made it a lot less overwhelming than it could have been. He knew this assignment was based around her having to help him adjust, but it was clear that Hayley wasn't doing this for SHIELD or to get out of those therapy sessions she hated to much. It was because she really cared.

''Thank you,'' Steve turned to her as they stood on the wharf in the sun. ''For bringing me here. I don't think I would have done it if you hadn't,''

''You would,'' she nodded, sure. ''You're not the type of guy that hides from things, I just thought it'd be easier if you didn't do it alone,''

''It was. I thought I was fine doing this all on my own, but I guess there was a lot of stuff I just wasn't facing,''

''There's no precedent for waking up 67 years into the future and having to just deal with it. I think you were doing just fine on your own,'' she told him, leaning back onto the wooden railing with her elbows. ''Reality is a bitch. It's harsh and there's no way to see it other than for what it is, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it straight away because it's your life now. Deal with it the way you want to and if there's something you don't want to revisit, then don't. As far as I'm concerned there's no one in the world who has the right to tell you how to handle your own situation,''

Steve thought for a moment, appreciating her words. Hayley didn't lie to Steve about his problems, she was very blunt and to the point about how this was his life now, but at the same time she was so gentle about it. She knew he wasn't made of glass and she didn't underestimate how strong he was in terms of adjusting to the twentieth century, and he liked that.

''You have an inspiring outlook on life,'' Steve told her, leaning against the railing beside her.

Hayley laughed.

''You're probably the only person to think that,''

''Well I'm probably the only person you've told,'' he pointed out.

Hayley looked over to him with a roll of her eyes before letting out a small laugh, not denying the fact. She found it was a lot easier to speak to Steve without hiding anything, just saying what was on her mind and what she thought about things. It was probably because she knew he would be honest with her, and maybe because she knew he felt the same way.

''You know you're right,'' Steve began again when they fell into silence. ''It's a lot easier not doing this alone. Maybe you should take your own advice on that,''

''Let's not get into my problems,'' she shook her head.

''I'm just saying,'' he defended. ''You might surprise yourself if you let someone in and let them help you,''

''I'm working on it,'' she shrugged, looking around the wharf.

Hayley knew that by letting someone in, Steve had meant him. After everything she had done for him, all he wanted to do was help her in the same way, but she was a difficult person to get through to. Yesterday was the biggest breakthrough he had seen from her and he knew that her crying and finally letting something out like that was a good thing, that she was ready to finally try and move on without doing it on her own, but it was going to take time.

Looking over to him again once they stopped talking, Hayley couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips as she stared at him. This man who had so much going on in his life, so many other things to be worried about and to be focusing on was prepared to be there for her through her own issues and she found that amazing.

Steve noticed her stare, turning to her with a quizzical look on his face.

''We should get going,'' she stepped away from the railing. ''The subway at night isn't pretty,''

* * *

><p>Steve had believed Hayley when she warned him that the subway would be busier in the late afternoon, but he hadn't prepared himself enough for the amount of people that he was met with. Hayley looked up at him worriedly as they shuffled their way inside the carriage among the large crowd, hoping it wasn't too much for him. Steve handled it better than he even thought, focusing his attention of just standing still and getting back to their stop in Manhattan.<p>

Though it was hard to ignore the amount of people pushing and shoving against one another, Steve just looked to Hayley who gave him a reassuring smile and a roll of the eyes, equally annoyed at the rush hour of people.

Ten minutes into their journey back however, Steve noticed a man standing beside Hayley who kept nudging against her, his elbow hitting her side multiple times, but he didn't bother to apologize. Hayley bit back the urge to give the man a piece of her mind, not wanting to cause anything especially with Steve, but when she looked up at him she could see that it was getting to him as well.

''Don't worry about it,'' Hayley shook her head with a huff, brushing it off.

''He's not even apologizing,''

''It's not worth causing an argument over, not in this crowd,'' she told him. ''It's fine,''

Steve sighed, glaring over to the man. It only took a few more nudges to her side until Hayley felt herself being brought forward, a hand on her arm shielding her. Steve had pulled her close to him, away from the man, and put his arm around her shoulder so she wouldn't get pushed by anyone else. Hayley felt like explaining to him that this happened every time she got on the subway, that this was just the norm when you took public transport, but instead she just gave him a light smile and hoped they would arrive at their stop soon.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate what he was doing, but she was worried Steve was going to say something and cause an argument. He was more than capable of handling himself if one broke out, but Hayley knew Steve didn't want or need that right now, but it was hard for him to hold back when someone was being so rude.

''Sorry,'' Steve glanced down at her for a moment. ''I didn't want you getting hurt,''

Hayley nodded in understanding, their bodies extremely close as the subway rocked. However she preferred being pushed against Steve than being near any of the other passengers. It was like they were in their own little cocoon among the crowd. In a way it was nice.

* * *

><p>The night had set in by the time they had arrived back on the streets of Manhattan, beginning their walk back to the facility in peace. It was clear that neither of them enjoyed taking the subway, but at least nothing had happened between that man and Steve. Hayley joked that it would be one way of adjusting to the people in the city, Steve giving her a small laugh before telling her it wasn't right for a man to be so rude to a woman.<p>

''Well, I hate to break it to you but if that sort of behavior bothers you, you haven't seen the half of it yet,'' she explained, folding her arms and pulling her jacket around her tighter.

''I don't know if I can stand by when that sort of thing happens,''

''Most people do,'' she shrugged. ''But it's because they're scared. The streets are different these days. There was always fights and bad people around, that's never gonna change, but these days people are a lot more paranoid and with good reason. Guns and knives could be in anyone's pocket and you never know what's going to make them snap. So people put their head down when someone is getting mugged, they close their mouth when someone is being abused and they pretend they don't see a thing,''

''It's not right,'' Steve shook his head. ''Someone has to stand up and say something,''

''It's not people being cowards or weak, they're scared,'' Hayley reminded. ''The world is an ugly place and it's just getting worse,''

They continued walking down the streets, watching as the lights in the city lit up and illuminated the others that roamed around. Steve thought about what Hayley said and he understood that the people these days were a lot different to those he remembered. There was always going to be bad people in the world, but it had gotten worse. Weapons were more advanced, technology made everything more dangerous and accessible, bad people were getting worse.

Hayley yawned as they reached the street of their facility, glad that she was close to her apartment. Her feet were starting to ache from their constant walking, but she knew that no matter how tired she felt she wasn't going to get a peaceful night's sleep, but that had become normal to her now. Steve too was feeling exhausted, not only from walking around the city but also processing everything that had changed. However neither of them regret their day.

Steve had walked Hayley to her apartment when they made it to her floor, thanking her again for taking him back to Brooklyn for the day. He was being honest earlier when she said he didn't know if he would have done it without her encouragement and company, but he was glad they went. It put a lot of his questions to rest and gave him a sense on closure on some issues, and she had helped him with that.

"I just hope you had a good day. I know going back to those memories wouldn't have been easy," she told him as they stood outside her door.

"I had to do it sometime," he shrugged. "And I'm glad I finally did,"

"It'll get easier to go back, it won't always be that overwhelming. Today was ripping the bandaid off, now you have to let it heal,"

Steve smiled at her words, finally realizing that after all this time he was making progress and moving forward. But it didn't feel too victorious when he thought about the fact that the person who helped him make such a milestone was dealing with her own problems and he didn't know how to help. He wished he did.

"Well, thanks for helping me rip it off,"

"No problem," she smiled up at him. "I actually had a good day, it's been a long time since I've done anything like that, we should visit more places,"

"I'd like that," he nodded, his hands slipping into his pockets.

Even with dark circles under her eyes and her hair in a slight mess, Steve could still imagine the sun shining down on her like it was that afternoon on the wharf.

"I guess I'll see you around," she sighed tiredly.

"Yeah," Steve nodded, taking a step away. "Goodnight Hayley,"

Looking over to him with a content grin, Hayley paused as she pushed her door open.

"Goodnight Steve,"

* * *

><p>Steve was surprised by how much sleep he managed to get when he got home to his apartment that night. It had been a long time since he had slept for a relatively normal number of hours. However it was still only 7.00 am when he decided to go for a run.<p>

His dreams the night before had changed from memories of the war and those he had lost to memories of Brooklyn and his childhood. Most of which contained Bucky who was part of every stage of Steve's life, but when he thought about them growing up together, he only remembered the happy times. Either way though, it always came back to the fact everyone and everything he remembered was gone. But like Hayley had told him, reality was harsh and he had to see it for what it was, but he could choose to deal with it any way he wanted, at his own pace.

Hayley had woken up the next morning refreshed after actually sleeping through the night without any interruptions. It may have been because she was so tired and busy all day that she managed to have a somewhat peaceful sleep, but when she rolled over to look at her clock she seen it was only 6.00 am. It was still progress.

It was only an hour later that she heard her phone ringing on the kitchen counter, rushing out to expect a call from Blake, but instead it was from the same people who had been calling every week for the past three months. Her parents.

She stared at the phone as it rang out, letting the call go to voice mail all the while knowing they wouldn't be leaving a message. They knew she wouldn't have answered, in fact if she did Hayley was sure she would give them a heart attack. But parents never gave up on their children and so they kept calling and calling every week on a different day, hoping Hayley would see that they wanted to hear from her.

Hayley knew that moving on and getting past all of this meant she had to face these things, but she just couldn't. Seeing her parents only brought back memories she was trying so hard to let go of, hearing their voice made her feel so guilty she couldn't even speak. They had lost their son the day Hayley lost her brother, but she couldn't look at them without feeling like it was all her fault. She wasn't as experienced as Nick, she didn't have anything waiting for her back at home like he did. All these months she had been ignoring their calls because through no fault of their own it only reminded her of one thing; it should have been her.

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><p><em>*Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon<em>


	10. Chapter 10

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><p><em>I am not your savior<em>  
><em>I'm just a friend keeping you alive<em>  
><em>And eye sight proves that you're haunted<em>  
><em>The same way that you speak all the time<em>

* * *

><p>''It's perfect,'' Hayley smiled, hands on her hips as she stood in the middle of the gym looking around.<p>

Steve was by her side, his arms folded as a satisfied grin spread across his face. It had taken them two hours to set everything up the way they wanted, but it was finally done. There was a couch in the middle, a small table over to the side where a mini refrigerator was set up and a locker for them to store all of their gym necessities that they usually brought in a bag. It was simple and minimal, but that was all they needed.

''It does liven the place up,'' he nodded.

''I doubt any other gym provides a personal mini fridge,'' Hayley joked. ''Well, gym slash dusty old room with a boxing ring and a few pieces of equipment,''

''Still haven't gotten into contact with who owns this place?'' he asked.

Hayley shrugged and walked over to their new couch, throwing herself down on it comfortably. Although all they had done that day was move furniture instead of working out, she felt exhausted.

''It's been abandoned for too long, if someone cared enough to own it they'd do something with it like we are,'' she explained. ''Anyway, what's on the agenda today?''

Steve reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny notepad that Hayley had been adding things to every day, suggesting things that Steve should consider getting up to date with. However they weren't overwhelmingly difficult things, they had covered most of those. These were small things like movies or games, pop culture basically. For the past week they had been trying to work on at least two things a day, but in the end they hadn't really set a timeline to get through it all. It was a work in progress, just like they were.

* * *

><p>"So Singapore, thats new,"<p>

"Yeah, I'll get to cross that one off my list," Blake nodded, reaching across the table for the salt shaker. "Always wanted to visit that place, but I guess after five weeks there on mission I'll be completely over it,"

"Take my advice and stay away from this place as long as you can,"

"Well that really makes me feel like I'll be missed," Blake pouted.

Hayley grinned cheekily before focusing back on the chocolate milkshake in front of her. Spending the day with Blake was nice considering he didn't get much personal time, but after being with Steve almost everyday for the past few weeks, it was odd not having him around. Blake was in charge of checking up on both of them and since he was leaving for his own assignment tomorrow, this would be the last time Blake could see how they were doing, particularly Hayley.

He had already visited Steve that morning to let him know, but to also ask him to look out for Hayley while he was gone. Steve didn't need to be asked to take care of his friend, but he agreed nevertheless.

"It'll be weird not having you here," Hayley looked over to her friend.

Blake smiled in return, nodding.

"I know, I haven't left the country in…well a long time. But I'll always be free if you need me,"

"Blake, seriously I'll be fine, I'm not a child,"

"Hey, I'm just saying if you ever need me for anything, just call me on the number I gave you,"

Hayley sighed before nodding in agreement, finishing off her milkshake and folding her arms on the table. It had been a long time since Blake was far away from her. Even with how stubborn she was, Blake was always there when she needed him. They didn't need to be related by blood for her to consider him a brother. He was looking out for her the same way Nick would have, which explained why they always clashed and argued when he became too protective. It was only five weeks, but she was going to miss him a lot.

"Oh, also while I'm away can you do me a favor?"

"Depends what the favor is," Hayley countered, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.

"When your parents call, answer them,"

Hayley groaned and pulled her hands up to run through her hair which was getting longer each day, wishing Blake wouldn't bring up this topic.

"It's complicated," she shook her head.

"No it's not. You're scared to talk to them because you think they blame you, but they don't. They just want to talk to their daughter," he told her encouragingly. "You know they've been calling me,"

Hayley's eyes locked on his.

"They've been calling you?"

"How else are they supposed to know if you're okay?"

"Wait, so you've been telling them about my life?"

"They ask me how you are, I say you're okay and that I'm looking out for you, you're coping, that's all. It's not my place to say anymore so don't get mad at me for talking to them," he threw his hands up. "You're their only child now, they deserve some contact. I know it's a big step after everything that's happened, but it might help you. I sure know it'll help them,"

Hayley stayed quiet, knowing that he was right. It was a bit step to make and she knew it would be hard, but she also knew that it had been long enough.

"I'll think about it," she reasoned.

"That's all I'm asking,'' Blake nodded. ''You never know, it might really help you,''

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, Hayley walked up the stairs to Steve's floor with two pizzas in her hands, her stomach rumbling with hunger as the smell wafted to her senses. It was just getting dark outside and the air was becoming chilly as she made her way down the hall, glad she would be inside soon.<p>

Steve heard the few knocks on his door before he walked over and opened it, immediately feeling the same hunger she was when he smelled the food. Hayley set the boxes down on the small table in his living room, kicking her shoes off by the door. In the past few weeks they had established a good sense of comfort around one another, making themselves at home in each other's apartment. Between this and their regular sessions at the gym, they were beginning to notice how very little time they spent apart from one another.

''If you like the movie you should really read the books,'' Hayley suggested as she bent down to insert the DVD into the player. ''I've got them all somewhere, probably still in storage,''

''So you're a big fan?'' he chuckled, sitting down on the couch.

''Oh yeah, I could probably quote the whole thing,'' she laughed, moving to grab the pizza box.

Hayley settled onto the couch next to Steve, pulling the pizza in between them as the movie menu popped up. On Steve's list of various things he'd like to catch up on, Hayley had been very insistent on him being introduced to _Harry Potter, _and they were finally getting to it. Steve couldn't remember the last time he had watched a movie. Every now and then he would turn on the television and watch reruns of old sitcoms or the news, but a lot of the references were lost on him. Still, he tried to educate himself as best he could.

The case Hayley made for _Harry Potter_ was simple enough; she loved _Harry Potter_. But she had also made it clear that so did a majority of society, so by watching the movies and reading the books, Steve would have a vital piece of pop culture information.

''Movies have definitely improved since the last time I saw one,'' Steve commented, eyes wide as he watched the opening scene.

''This is just the beginning,'' Hayley told him excitedly.

''How many times have you seen this?'' he asked, noticing the grin on her face as she watched the screen.

''I've lost count, but it's just as good every time. Look! You're missing Dumbledore!'' she gasped, looking at the TV.

''Dumble who?'' Steve gave her a confused look.

''Just watch!''

As the movie went on, the pizza supply go lower and lower until Steve ended up throwing the empty boxes to the ground beside the couch, leaving more room for them both to pull their legs up and rest comfortably. Hayley had the left side of the couch, her arms hanging off the side behind her as she pulled her legs up to her chest and Steve was on the other side with his arm resting along the back of the couch. They were the picture of content.

Steve noticed her smiling at certain parts of the movie and he enjoyed the fact that right now she was happy. It was hard for Steve not to feel guilty over the fact Hayley had been spending all her time with him over the past few weeks, but it was moments like this that reminded him that she wasn't doing this because she had to, but because she wanted to.

About an hour later, just as the movie was drawing to an end, Hayley's phone began vibrating on the table nearby. The screen lit up with the words 'Mom & Dad' and Steve managed to see it quickly before she pulled the phone into her hands, waiting for it to ring out.

''Need to take that?'' Steve asked, lifting the remote to pause the movie.

''No,'' she shook her head. ''It's nothing,''

Not saying another word about it, she slipped the phone into her pocket and went back to watching the screen, but even Steve could see that her mind wasn't on the movie. Hayley didn't speak about her parents very often apart from the occasional mention when reliving childhood memories, and Steve remembered her telling him that she couldn't face them after what happened to her brother. It made him wonder how long it had been since she had seen them, but he didn't want to pull on that thread just now.

The movie went on for a while longer, but Hayley barely noticed. She had promised Blake that she could try and get back into contact with her parents, even if it was just a brief hello, but it was harder than she thought. It had been so long without hearing their voices, she didn't think she could handle hearing them again. But she had to. If not for her, then for Nick. Blake was right when he said she was all they had left, she couldn't ignore them any longer.

''I liked it,'' Steve announced, pulling Hayley from her thoughts.

''You did?'' she asked, sitting up. ''How much?''

''Nine out of ten,''

Hayley's jaw fell open.

''Only a nine?''

''What do you mean only? On a scale of 10, nine is fantastic!''

''Not as fantastic as a ten,'' she shook her head. ''Disappointing,''

Steve laughed at her, stretching his legs out off the couch and looking out his window. It was almost 8.00 pm and the sun was completely gone, his apartment filled with darkness. Hayley let out a long sigh from beside him, her head leaning back to rest on the couch as she crossed her legs in front of her.

''Hey Steve?''

''Yeah?'' her turned to her, his head lazily leaning back like hers.

"Do you ever wish you could be somewhere else?" she asked in a quiet voice. "Not another city or another country but just somewhere…_else_,"

Steve thought for a moment, understanding what she was asking. She was clearly thinking about something a lot more complicated than just going somewhere else.

"Sometimes," he answered honestly.

"What about restarting? If there was a way you could restart your life, or just start a new one with none of this, would you do it?"

Their eyes locked in the dark room as her question hung in the air. Steve had thought about that many times since waking up. Starting a new life, forgetting that he had lost so many people, sleeping without the nightmares and the memories, living in peace. However as carefree and appealing as that all sounded to him, he knew that if he had the option he wouldn't take it.

"No," he shook his head, still looking over to her.

"Why not?"

"Because if I got the chance to restart my life, I'd end up doing it all the same anyway," he shrugged. "I'd be right back here,"

Hayley smiled over to him, admiring how accepting he was of his fate, no matter how heartbreaking it was.

"What about you?" he asked.

"I don't know," she told him with a deep breath. "Sometimes I wish I could do everything differently, change how things turned out,"

"If you did that you wouldn't be the person you are now,"

"I don't want to be the person I am now, that's just it,"

Steve frowned, moving so that he could give her leg a nudge.

"You should be proud of who you are,"

Hayley scoffed lightly, shaking her head in denial. As far as she could see, there was nothing to be proud of. She had dodged a bullet that ended up killing her brother, she wasn't talking to her parents and she turned to alcohol when things got hard. It was pathetic.

"You don't know the kind of person I am," she shook her head. "I'm not good,"

"You signed up and fought to protect your country and put your life on the line for others. To me, that's a good person. You're punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault, but even when you're struggling, you keep going," he told her.

"Steve-"

"No, listen to me," he silenced her, surprising both of them with his voice. "I saw you that night, I saw you at your lowest and worst and watched you cry, and the next day you kept going. You don't realize how much you're pushing back against everything that comes your way and everything you've been through. You can't see how strong you are,"

Hayley felt her chest tighten, holding back any tears that threatened to make an appearance due to his kind words. Steve was the strongest person she knew, and here he was calling her the strong one. He had gone through much more than she had and she was the one receiving encouragement. It didn't seem right. But Steve needed her to know that.

"If you don't like the person you are then that's sad, because I like who you are," he finished.

Smiling over to him, Hayley folded her arms and leaned into the side of the couch, her legs sprawling out far enough that her toes touched Steve's calf.

"I like who you are," she told him, hating that she couldn't find the right words.

"So we both like each other, but not ourselves," he summed up.

Hayley chuckled lightly.

"We really are screwed up,"

Their words soon died down to whispers as they talked about what they would do if they had another life, joking mostly, until they both became silent. Their eyes were closed and their breathing became deeper, both of them slowly slipping away to unconsciousness. Steve's hand had dropped down from the back of the couch to rest on Hayley's foot which had crept up onto his lap as she sunk down into the cushions. With only the sound of cars driving down below on the streets coming through the crack in Steve's window, they both fell into a slumber that would end up being the most peaceful and restful night's sleep they'd had in a long time.

* * *

><p>Hayley sat at her kitchen counter the next night, staring at her phone. She had spent the whole day at the gym with Steve working out and having breaks in between to introduce him to some modern music. It was entertaining to watch his reaction to a few of the songs she had chosen which happened to be the top ten hits of the year, all upbeat and electronic. It was much different to the music he remembered.<p>

She had also told him she was trying to get back into SHIELD's training facilities, hopefully meeting with Coulson sometime in the next few weeks. Steve had worried that her mind was still on getting back to the field, but she assured him that she knew that wasn't realistic right now, but she still didn't want to give up on it.

Right now though, her mind was on something else she knew she had to face. Her parents had been calling her every week for months, trying desperately to get in contact with her. Being in a SHIELD facility prevented them from knowing where she was and since Hayley didn't answer their calls, they knew nothing about her life anymore. It wasn't that Hayley didn't miss them or that she didn't care, it was just too painful. However she couldn't hold back anymore. If she wanted to move on, she had to stop running from this.

Her hands shook as she reached for her phone, scrolling down to her parents number and pressing the green call button, her heart racing as she lifted it to her ear. The ringing continued as she breathed heavily, wondering if they were going to answer. Maybe they had given up on trying to get through to her, maybe now it was them who didn't want to talk.

''Hello?''

Hayley froze, her mouth hanging open slightly as she heard her mother's voice. It was so gentle and calming, so peaceful. Her mother repeated the greeting once more with a questioning tone, reminding Hayley that she had yet to say anything.

''Hi mom,'' she replied quietly, her voice coming out with a slight crack.

There was a brief pause.

''Hayley?'' she asked, shocked. ''Is that you?''

Hayley smiled, pulling her hand up to her forehead and resting it there.

''Yeah it's me mom,''

''Oh my god. Is that_ really_ you?''

''I'm sorry I haven't called in a long time,''

''You don't know how good it is to hear your voice,'' her mother cried. ''We've missed you so much,''

Hayley listened as her mother processed that it was actually her daughter on the other line, calling her father to come listen. They hadn't heard from her in so long, just her voice alone was enough to fill they with joy. Maybe Steve was right, maybe she was a good person after all. A bad person wouldn't make two people so happy by just calling, a bad person would continue ignoring them and making them worry, and she couldn't do that anymore.

"Hayley?" her father spoke, and she realized she was now on speakerphone to both her parents.

"Hey dad," she smiled. "It's nice to hear you both,"

"Sweetie, you've had us so worried," her mother continued. "Are you okay?"

"How are you holding up honey?" her father asked as well.

Hayley took a moment to consider her response. She could tell them the truth, that she wasn't sleeping properly, that she relieved that day over and over again in her head, that the thought of them and the sound of their voice made her both happy and sad at the same time, that she was only just starting to cope. Or she could lie and take that worry off their shoulders, make them believe that she was fine on her own, that she had been dealing with everything in her own way and was well.

A good person wouldn't lie to those who loved them, but a good person also spared their feelings.

"I'm doing good," Hayley told them with a convincing tone. "I've been busy,"

"We've been trying to call for the past few months, you never answered," her father pointed out, but he wasn't angry.

"I know, Elliot told me," she nodded, feeling odd about using Blake's first name. "I've been keeping myself occupied,"

"We're just glad you called," her mother spoke, her voice calm and relieved. "We've been worried about you,"

"I know mom,"

"Is everything okay?" her father asked.

Even when she was young, her dad always knew when something was off about Hayley. It was the way she spoke, it was as if he could hear it in her voice that she was hiding something. It turned out that after all these years, that still hadn't changed, even if it was over the phone.

"Yeah," Hayley nodded, bringing her hand up to rested against her forehead.

It took everything in her not to breakdown in tears. It was such a brief and simple conversation, but just hearing their voices was making her incredibly emotional. It took her right back to the day she came home after Nick's death and up until the day of his funeral. Their voices were much the same, only weaker and broken. She remembered the look in their eyes too, she would never forget that. But through all of that, she still found comfort in their voices, no matter how long she had been trying to avoid it.

Something in her told her she didn't deserve to have their comfort or their worry, not when her brother wasn't here to have the same. But she was slowly coming out of that mindset with the help of a good friend, the same friend who's voice was also in her head reminding her that she was a good person and should be proud of herself. The same friend that gave her the courage she needed to make that phone call.

* * *

><p><em>*We Were Made Out Of Lightning - Right Away, Great Captain!<em>


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, another chapter here. I'm trying to figure out a particular day to keep updating but so far it's just gonna be whenever I have a chapter ready. However I am trying to get ahead on my writing so I can have a steady stream of updates, so hopefully that'll happen.**

**Thanks to those who reviewed, I really appreciate your kind words and it really motivates me to keep writing. Thanks to those following and favoriting as well! :)**

* * *

><p><em>When you lose your way and the fight is gone,<em>  
><em>Your heart starts to break<em>  
><em>And you need someone around now.<em>  
><em>Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,<em>  
><em>And make you unbreakable<em>

* * *

><p>The box barely held together as it's contents threatened to overflow, Hayley placing it down carefully on the table in the gym. When Steve was thought to be dead and SHIELD came together, they had compiled many different books, photographs and historic documents of his time in the army. Despite Hayley telling him that he could take his time with getting to all of it, Steve had assured her that he wanted to see everything now.<p>

It made sense to go over it all now that he had finally begun working through everything. He had been to Brooklyn and seen how much had changed, how much of his life was now gone and how much he had really missed, but now it was time to face what become of him when he died. Hayley had briefed him on Captain America becoming a comic, figurine and popular series of trading cards after his 'death', but Steve was more interested in what SHIELD had made of it all.

''I've got record of their searches, journals of their theories and plenty of photographs. Oh, some recordings as well, but we'd have to find a machine for that,''

''This is fine,'' Steve shook his head, glancing up at her with a nod. ''This is more then enough for now, thank you,''

Reaching into the box, the first thing Steve grabbed was a thick brown book that was full of newspaper clippings and articles announcing that Captain America had gone missing. It was a very odd thing to see your death being plastered on the front page of a newspaper that he himself used to deliver around Brooklyn. The words they used to describe him had him painted as a war hero, a legend and a brave man who saved the world. It should have made him proud, and a small part of him felt that pride, but it was outweighed by how much he lost by doing so.

Hayley looked over some of the articles too, finding interest in the stories they wrote about the man who sat in front of her. Of course Steve had downplayed everything he had done in the service, brushing off all his bravery as something anyone would do if they were in his position, however Hayley knew he did much more than what anyone else would have. Reading these stories only proved it further.

When she looked up at Steve to ask something, the question seemed to have slipped her mind when she saw the look of concentration and sadness on his face, his eyes locked on a photograph in his hands. Leaning forward slightly, Hayley recognized the photo of Peggy Carter. She had seen that same photo on the wall at SHIELD's Headquarters in D.C and throughout the history books. There had always been talk passed down for decades that Peggy and Steve were somewhat involved during the war before he went missing, but there was never any official comment about it.

But the look on Steve's face said it all.

Hayley kept quiet as she moved back, her gaze still on Steve's thoughtful expression until his eyes snapped up to meet hers, immediately blinking himself out of his trance. He seemed flustered, as if he was embarrassed about taking a moment to deal with her memory.

''She's beautiful,'' Hayley smiled over to him, letting him know it was okay.

Steve nodded and returned his attention to the photo.

''Yeah she is,'' he spoke quietly.

''What was she like?''

''I don't think words would do her justice,'' he shook his head. ''One hell of a woman though,''

''I bet. When I came to SHIELD she was the first person I read about, huge influence on me joining,'' she explained. ''I can see why she took your interest,''

''Oh,'' Steve looked up, shaking his head slightly. ''We...we uh...''

''You don't have to explain anything to me. That can stay between the two of you,'' Hayley told him gently. ''The world might think they know everything about you, but it's those things you need to keep to yourself, don't let them take it away,''

Looking down at the photo again, Steve smiled to himself. What he and Peggy had was special and he was sure if he came back from that mission and they had that date at the Stork Club, they would have spent their lives together happily. But that wasn't how things turned out and although there was no other choice but to accept it, it didn't mean he had to forget it. Hayley was right. What he and Peggy had should stay between the two of them only. A memory no one could take away or distort.

In all the months he had been awake, no one had given him such useful, peaceful advice.

* * *

><p>The walls hadn't changed, neither had the clock that hung above the door and seemed to have stopped working. Although it could be that every time Hayley walked into Dr Rafferty's office time seemed to stop altogether, dragging a minute into an hour. It had been a month since her appointments with the doctor had been put on hold, but she was due for a session to update her recovery file. It felt odd being in the room knowing that Blake wasn't outside waiting for her, but it also gave her a slight boost in confidence. She could do this on her own.<p>

"So, Private O'Connor," Dr Rafferty walked into the room, file in his hands and polite smile on his lips. "It's been a while since our last session, how have you been?"

Hayley watched as the man took his seat in front of her, flipping to a blank page in his notebook and clicking his pen.

"I've been good," she nodded with a light smile.

"That's good to hear. Keeping busy I assume?"

"I try," she folded her arms.

"Training everyday?"

"As much as I can, sometimes I skip a day," she shrugged.

Dr Rafferty seemed pleased with her response, jotting down a note from her words. Hayley wasn't sure what she disliked more; her previous sessions where he would desperately try and pry some emotions or right now as he nodded and documented their conversation. She felt like a test subject.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Better. Not full nights, but better,"

"That's good. Progress, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is still progress," he smiled proudly.

"I suppose it is," she nodded. ''I wanted to talk about me getting back into the training facilities at SHIELD,''

Dr Rafferty set his pen down for a moment, taking a long breath before looking over to her with an expression that already answered her question.

''I don't think it's a good idea right now,'' he told her calmly. ''Your focus on getting back into the field is what's holding you back from making any progress in your health and personal life,''

''I'm not asking to get back onto the field anymore, I know it's not realistic,'' she huffed, her memory flickering back to that day at the gun ranges. ''But I want to be able to train in the facility. I've made progress in my personal issues, I've been talking and sharing my thoughts and all of that, but if I don't start getting back into my old training routine I won't be ready to go back to the field when it's time,''

''As glad as I am that you're making progress personally, I can't approve you for the facilities. Maybe at our next appointment that will change,'' he told her with a hopeful tone. ''Perhaps when Agent Blake returns I could organize for a few training sessions in the facilities under his supervision,''

Hayley rolled her eyes, annoyed.

''So what you're saying is that I need a babysitter?''

''I think it would be better for you to have someone in the facilities with you for your first visits, that's all,'' he shook his head. ''You seem to be forgetting you're suffering a disorder right now,''

''Maybe I keep forgetting about it because I don't have it,'' she suggested.

''It doesn't have to be screaming in your face 24/7 for you to be suffering. It's in everything, in all of the smallest details of your life and your daily routine, it's in your memories. I know it's difficult, but you need to work on pushing through these issues if you truly want to go back to that life,''

Dr Rafferty had no idea how difficult it was. He may have dealt with countless SHIELD agents and field operatives like herself who had memories they couldn't get away from, but in the end he was never out there like they were. Those memories weren't his and their consequences didn't effect him.

There was no way he really understood. However this was his job, to try and understand and help, but Hayley had trouble opening up to someone who was just listening so he could evaluate her mental health. But this was what she had to do to convince everyone she was getting better, to please their critical minds, to make them stop worrying.

''I'll try,''

* * *

><p>Hayley could hear the echoing sounds of the punching bag inside the gym before she even stepped inside. Steve had been here since this morning moving between different exercises and looking over some of the many files he still hadn't gotten to. There was so much he had to catch up on but he had been reminded repeatedly that he didn't need to rush anything, he had plenty of time to get through everything he wanted to.<p>

Time was a sensitive thing to Steve these days. Falling asleep caused him panic, worrying he was going to close his eyes and wake up further into the future, into another world he would have to adjust to without those he knew. He didn't want to waste the time he had, he wanted to use it to discover all the things he had missed and work on getting his life back, whatever was left of it.

The footsteps made him stop hitting against the bag, breathing heavily as he looked over to see Hayley walking inside. Her hair wasn't in a ponytail as it usually was whenever she planned to work out, instead pulled to the side while the waves fell over her shoulder almost perfectly.

''Have you been here all day?'' she asked, making her way over to their mini fridge.

''No,'' he shook his head, the need for breath obvious in his voice. ''I mean yes, but I've been looking over some of the stuff you brought in,''

Hayley pulled out two bottles of water and slid one across to where Steve was heading, closing the door of the fridge with her foot.

''How's it going?'' she asked, taking a sip as she sat down.

''It's a lot to take in. Their theories about my disappearance are a bit...''

''A bit out there, huh?'' she nodded. ''There were a lot of people who really wanted to find you, they would have tried anything and believed anything,''

''I didn't think that me dying or disappearing would be such a big deal,''

''You saved a lot of people Steve, you were a hero to those people, you still are,'' she explained.

''A lot of other men saved people too, but no one made a fuss about them,'' he told her, sitting back in his chair and deciding to change the topic. ''How was your session?''

Hayley gave him a look before rolling her eyes, a groan escaping her lips. If anyone understood just how frustrating and uncomfortable those sessions with Rafferty were, it was Steve. They both hated having to go and even though they had gone weeks now without seeing the doctor, it was still just as unbearable.

''That bad, huh?'' he asked, almost reading her mind.

''I don't know what it is about those sessions, I just can't stand them,'' she shook her head.

''I know what you mean,''

''He won't approve me to go back to SHIELD training,''

Steve looked over to her, watching as she shrugged in response. There was a big part of her that knew Rafferty wasn't going to let her go back into training just yet, but there was always a chance she could have, and once again it had been snatched away from her.

''I'm sorry,'' he offered.

''It's not a big deal,'' she shrugged again, brushing it off. ''Not like I wasn't expecting it, I just thought I was improving,''

''You are,'' he told her. ''Just because Rafferty won't approve you for training doesn't mean you're not getting better,''

''Well if I'm getting better, why do they still not trust me?''

Steve sighed, unable to answer that for her. Hayley didn't want to focus on it anymore, she had already spent all day in that office with Rafferty, right now all she wanted to do was take her mind off it and not bring down the mood of everyone around her.

''You hungry?'' she asked, her voice perkier. ''I'm starving. Let's go over to the diner,''

And just like that, she managed to sweep another one of her problems under the mat.

* * *

><p>The loud crack of thunder rumbled through the city, shaking the walls of the building and pulling Steve from his somewhat peaceful slumber. He jolted up in bed, a gasp for air escaping his mouth as his eyes locked on the window in his room. It was only open a few inches, but it was enough to make his room feel like a freezer and that was the last thing he needed right now considering his nightmares. Taking a few deep breaths and letting himself realize the noise was in fact from the storm, Steve slid out of bed and walked over to the window, pulling it closed.<p>

Meanwhile the rain was pouring down heavily outside where Hayley was hurriedly trying to make her way back to her apartment. She had been for a late night gym session and decided to head home when it hit midnight, but she had only been on the sidewalk for a few minutes before the storm hit. The wind felt like it was going to blow her away, but Hayley just lifted the hood of her jacket over her head and kept running.

The lightning illuminated the city long enough between each clap of thunder for Hayley to find her way to the front door of the building, pulling it closed behind her and taking a few moments to catch her breath. The city looked like chaos outside in the empty streets, water streaming down the roads as if it was a river and wind blowing viciously through the trees.

Hayley made her way to the stairs as ignored the squishing wet sound coming from her shoes with every step that she took, wanting to get to her apartment as soon as possible and change. However when she made it a few floors up, the lights in the building began flickering and soon enough shut off altogether.

''You're kidding,'' she groaned, pushing the hood off her head and trying to see.

Everything was black, it was hard to see even three steps in front of her. But it was worse when the thunder continued. The loud booms of the storm made her shake while she stood in the hall, but before she let herself be overtaken by fears, she realized she was on Steve's floor. All she had to do was make out the first apartment number she could see and then find her way to Steve's. Grabbing at the walls in the darkness, Hayley used the light from her phone's screen to find the right apartment, immediately knocking.

The door opened a few seconds later, but Hayley wasn't surprised he was already awake. If it weren't the nightmares and the struggle of sleeping being enough already, the storm was loud enough to wake any of the residents.

''Sorry, it's just me,'' Hayley told him, worried he might not be able to make her out.

''Hayley? What are you doing?'' he asked, his voice only just reaching her over the sound of the thunder.

''There's a blackout, I was coming through the hall and then the thunder kept going and-''

''Why were you out?'' he questioned, opening the door and letting her in.

''I was at the gym, I didn't know there was a s-storm coming,'' she stuttered, her teeth chattering.

Storms weren't the most ideal situation for people who suffered nightmares about explosions and gunfire, but being stuck in a building hall that was pitch black blurred the line between reality and nightmare. Steve knew she was scared by the way her voice was coming out, but it was also because she was dripping wet from head to toe. Locking the door behind them, Steve lead Hayley to the living room and helped pull off the soaking jacket.

As Hayley tried to stop shaking, she couldn't help noticing after a flash of lightning that Steve was shirtless. It was definitely not the time to stare or even be bothered by it, but she couldn't help feeling slightly awkward now that his naked chest was pressed against her shoulder.

A few moments ago Steve himself was having trouble controlling his breathing, the storm scaring him awake and then echoing through his head. However as soon as Hayley arrived, he switched his attention to her. He was no longer seeing the explosions that the thunder reminded him of, or the bullets that the pelting rain brought back to him.

''You're freezing,'' he spoke, concern obvious in his voice. ''I'm getting you some towels,''

Steve turned and grabbed the torch that was sitting on the coffee table, flicking it on and heading into the bathroom nearby. Hayley hated to have bothered him when she knew he would be quite startled by the storm as well, but she was just glad she had been nearby when the lights all went out. Even though the thunder was still rumbling, the lightning was still striking and the rain hadn't eased up at all, she felt much better in Steve's apartment.

A few seconds later Steve returned, this time with a shirt on.

''Here,'' he handed her a heap of warm, dry blankets and clothes. ''You can't stay in those,''

''Oh, I'll be fine, you don't have to-''

''Hayley, you're shivering, you can't stay in those clothes,'' he insisted. ''Uh, it's just one of my shirt and some sweatpants, but they'll keep you warm,''

''Thanks,''

Steve stared at her for a moment as he held the torch away from them, noticing how wide her eyes were as she looked up at him. It only took a few more seconds before he realized he needed to give her some privacy.

''I'll just check that uh, that my windows are closed,'' he stammered, taking a few steps back.

''Okay,'' she nodded, at a loss for anymore words.

When he walked out of her sight and into his bedroom, Hayley quickly undressed herself and changed into the clean clothes Steve had given her. She had never appreciated dry clothes so much before. Once she was finished, she grabbed one of the towels and began working at her hair to try and stop the water dripping down her back. Her body wouldn't stop shivering though, the cold and the fright all hitting her with no intention of leaving. But at least she wasn't alone. Someone else shared those fears and didn't think it was irrational to be terrified of thunder, and she was forever growing more appreciative of Steve Rogers in her life.

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><p><strong>Will be continued in next chapter...<strong>

_*Jamie Scott - Unbreakable_


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys! Once again thank you to everyone following/favoriting/supporting the story! I'm trying to get ahead with some chapters in terms of planning and all, so I hope you're all still interested in sticking with me throughout it's progression.**

**Also I know you're probably wondering why this isn't listed as Captain America fanfic since it's pretty clear that's where the focus of this story is, but I'm just letting you guys know that this story will be heading into the Avengers plot/storyline in a few chapters time, so I hope you guys will enjoy that. In the meantime, Steve and Hayley's relationship will get a lot more interesting.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviews this story, you are all lovely and it means a lot to me to hear from you guys and see you're liking the story so far, so thank you so much, it really does motivate me.**

**Also a big thanks to RowennaOlympian for the info about New York in the 40's. I'm not from the US so I have very little knowledge about that stuff and no idea what to research, so thank you for filling me in and I'll definitely use that information in future chapters.**

**Thanks for reading :)**

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><p><em>Oh, I'm guaranteed to lose my mind<em>  
><em>It's dangerous to speak and sigh<em>  
><em>You might know what I'm trying to hide<em>

_So don't you worry  
><em>_you'll be my resolution_

* * *

><p>It was a few minutes later when Steve emerged from his room, the torch in his hand flashing over by the living room windows where Hayley was standing, looking out at the city. His clothes were far too big for her, but he could see she was very comfortable in them. The shirt hung down to below her waist and almost covered her elbows, a testament to how well Steve actually filled it out.<p>

Hayley turned to him with a light smile when she noticed him back in the room, pulling her phone up in her hand.

''I just got an alert from SHIELD, the power in Manhattan's gonna be out for a few hours,'' she informed.

Looking out the window beside her, Steve could see that the storm had no intention of settling down anytime soon. The roar of the wind was terrifying especially when coupled with the lightning and thunder, but at least they were both awake, inside and aware of it happening. And at least they weren't alone.

''I can't believe you were out in that,'' he commented, watching as the rain continued to flood the streets.

''It caught me off guard. I'm just lucky the power went off when I was on this floor and that you answer your door so late at night,'' she looked over to him. ''Which is actually a big no-no in the stranger danger handbook,''

Steve chuckled, unable to take her warning seriously since she was smiling herself.

''There's not many people who knock on my door, especially late at night,''

''You never know,'' she continued. ''You should invest in a baseball bat by the door. Actually, you probably wouldn't need one, you're kind of your own baseball bat,''

Again, Steve broke out in a laugh that infected Hayley as well. However it was barely audible over the rain that was now hitting against the window thanks to the wind. They both watched as the storm continued, able to appreciate it's beauty in the night sky now that their fears had melted away.

''I'm sorry for bothering you,'' she spoke a few moments later.

''You're not,'' Steve denied. ''The storm woke me anyway,''

''Still, I should let you get back to bed,''

''The power's out in the whole building,'' he reminded, turning to her when she stepped away.

''I'm not afraid of the dark. I just...I'm not a fan of it combined with thunder and flashes of lightning,'' she justified.

Steve shook his head in refusal but he was sure she couldn't see him in the dark room.

''I'll walk you back then,'' he offered.

''No it's fine Steve,''

''Then you're staying here until the storm calms down,''

''Honestly it's fi-''

Hayley was cut off by her own scream as a much louder clap of thunder hit, the noise rippling through her body as if there was an earthquake. Steve jolted slightly in surprise at both the thunder and the scream as he watched her look over to the window, frightened. They both remained silent as Hayley took a deep breath, her body relaxing after the scare.

''S-so maybe I'm not the biggest fan of thunder or big storms,'' she admit. ''Which means a thunder storm...they kind of scare me,''

''Then you'll stay here until it passes,'' he told her gently. ''And no arguments about it,''

''I'm almost 26, I should be able to walk to my apartment in the same building without getting scared like a little kid,'' she huffed, folding her arms.

''Lots of people don't like thunder storms, myself included,''

''You didn't scream,'' she pointed out.

''You distracted me,'' he countered.

Hayley's lips quirked into a small smile as they looked at one another for a moment. Steve had no intention of letting her leave on her own right now and Hayley wasn't going to let him walk her back to her apartment after barging in on him like this, which meant there was no other option but for her to stay here and wait for the storm to pass. However by the sounds outside, it didn't seem like it would be calming down anytime soon and therefore the power wouldn't be coming back on.

She was a stubborn woman, but Steve had been noticing that she was becoming much more open with him and talking about things he knew she wouldn't share with other people. Admitting to a fear of thunder storms wouldn't be a big deal for someone, but for Hayley it was like telling someone a weakness. Just having her share that with him reminded Steve that she really did trust him.

''Well if I'm waiting out this storm, you should still get back to sleep,'' she suggested, breaking their silence.

''You need sleep too,'' he pointed out.

''I don't think I'll be getting any sleep, I'll just stare out the window from the couch,'' she shrugged. ''But I've bothered you enough, go back to sleep,''

Steve smiled at her thoughtfulness.

''I'll get you some blankets, you're still shivering,''

Hayley watched as he left the room, running her hand along her arm and feeling the resulting goosebumps from how cold she was. Her hair was still quite damp from the rain even after she had tried to dry it with a towel.

It was hard to think that an hour ago she was at the gym working up a sweat, completely oblivious to the storm brewing in the skies above and the idea of staying with Steve until it all passed. She still couldn't believe that she had let the thunder and darkness get to her so much that she had to come to Steve's apartment. It shouldn't bother her like that, not when she was supposed to be making progress. To be fair, there hadn't been a storm for a few months for her fear to become a problem, but this was just another thing she was going to have to live with. At least she knew Steve didn't like them either. Maybe the thunder reminded him of the same things that flashed through her mind.

A few seconds later Steve was back, walking past Hayley and setting a few blankets down on the couch. He didn't feel right making her stay there, he should have offered her his room for the night so she could rest. But Steve knew her well enough by now to know she would have refused, and he believed her when she said she wouldn't be getting anymore sleep that night. He probably wouldn't either.

"Are you sure you don't want a pillow or something comfier?" he asked.

"I've slept in worse," she shook her head. "This is more than fine. Like I said, I'll just be staring out the window at the rain,"

Steve glanced over to the rainy sky outside, noticing that it wouldn't be a bad sight to stare at for the night. Hayley switched her view from the window back to Steve as she sat on the couch arm rest. His eyes looked tired, clearly groggy from being woke up suddenly by the storm, and she couldn't help smiling at how messy his hair seemed. Steve suddenly turned back to her, a questioning look on his face when he saw her grin.

"_You_ need sleep," she reminded before he could say anything.

"I'm on it," he nodded firmly as if accepting orders, although an amused look on his face. "Are you sure you don't need anything-"

"Steve you've done plenty, stop fussing over me," she threw her hands up, pointing at him as if to warn. "Go. Sleep."

Saying no more, Steve backed away in surrender, a smile on his lips as he made his way to the bedroom. She was the one who had been caught in the fierce storm and then trapped in the hall when the power went out with a fear of thunder storms, yet she was more worried right now about Steve getting some much needed sleep.

Closing the door and gently laying down on his back, Steve rested his arm behind his head as he thought about his unexpected night after waking up to the storm. He didn't think he'd be having guests over at midnight, but he was surprised by how content he was right now just knowing Hayley was somewhat close to him. She gave him such leave by just being around, reminding him that all the thoughts that drove him mad weren't as important as he thought. She always took his mind away from the bad and onto the good, taking his worries away with just the sound of her voice. Right now, separated by just a wall and a small hallway, was no different.

* * *

><p>It had taken about an hour for the thunder to die down, now turning into quiet rumbles in the distance. There was no longer any lightning either, just the peaceful repetition of raindrops on the window which Hayley had to admit were starting to put her to sleep. She had been staring out the window the whole time, watching the city light up and dull down from the storm, the wind even settling.<p>

The blanket Steve gave her helped stop the shivering, providing her with a toasty warm cocoon on the couch. It had been quite some time since Hayley had fallen asleep somewhere other than her own apartment, but right now she could feel her eyelids becoming heavy and her head tilting back to lean on the arm of the couch, letting her know just how exhausted she was. However a few minutes later when she had closed her eyes for a few seconds, accepting that she might as well get some sleep, she could hear noises coming from Steve's bedroom.

It was being in the ice, it was one of his biggest fears now. The plane submerging into the water and feeling the chill taking over, suffocating him until he surrendered to it. Air was harder to grab, he was losing control of his body and he knew he was going to die. But he was doing it for everyone he loved, he was saving them, he was protecting the world. That didn't make it any easier though.

Then his mind would drag him through the memories on the battlefield, the missions he lead the Howling Commandos on, when they lost soldiers and done things that would stay and haunt them forever. The sound of guns echoing in his ear, the ground collapsing below his feet, utter terror all around him.

Hayley had debated with herself about getting up from her position on the couch to go investigate the odd noises, but in the end she had tossed the blanket to her feet and stood up. It sounded like muffled crying or gasping for breath. As she walked across the room to Steve's door, she could hear his cries a lot clearer now and she realized what was going on. Steve was having a nightmare.

Pushing the door open quietly, Hayley poked her head into the room and saw Steve laying in bed, his eyes squeezed shut as if in pain and his body trembling. It wasn't a hard decision to make when it came to whether or not she should wake him. He was going through hell in his sleep, she had to let him know it wasn't real. Just like her nightmares, everything felt real, like they were going through it all over again.

''Steve,'' she called out as she stepped into the room. ''Steve?''

Hayley wasn't sure how deep into his slumber he was, but she was hoping she could get through to him as gently as possibly. His cries were getting louder and she could hear his breathing getting faster, watching as he continued to go through the dreaded memories. It hurt her to see him like this not only because she knew how it felt, but because Steve always hid this side of him. She knew he would have nightmares and they had both spoke about how hard it was to sleep after everything they had been through, but Steve never told her how much he suffered.

When she made it to his side, Hayley reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, carefully rocking him and trying to get a response.

''Steve,'' she said, louder this time. ''Wake up Steve,''

With one more forceful nudge, Steve's eyes shot open. He could see a figure standing beside him, immediately pushing himself back and away from it. His breathing was out of control and the only thought that ran through his mind was that he had to get away from the enemy. The shooting sounds were gone, the explosions now silent and Steve's body was covered in a slight layer of sweat, no ice to be found.

''Steve, it's okay,'' Hayley began, slowly leaning in so that he could see she wasn't going to hurt him. ''It's just me, Hayley, it's okay,''

''W-what's going on?''

''You were dreaming, it's not real, it's over now,'' she explained.

''It's not real,'' he nodded, trying to convince himself.

Steve didn't know what to think when his mind shifted back to reality. He had woken up many times from nightmares but he hadn't been shaking so much before, it was like he was right there back in the ice and fighting the war. He hated that he let it do that to him, that all those memories he wanted to forget kept attacking him. He also hated that Hayley had to see him like this.

''What year is it?'' he asked, moving his hand up to rest against his forehead.

''It's not real Steve,''

''I need to know,'' he told her firmly.

Hayley could hear the fear in his voice.

''It's 2012,'' she told him calmly. ''You're in New York, SHIELD facility, this is your apartment, you're safe,''

Steve let out a long, relieved sigh. It was just a dream, nothing about it was happening right now.

''I'm sorry,'' he shook his head.

''Hey,'' she reached out, her hand on his arm. ''It's nothing to be sorry for,''

''It felt real,'' he said, his gaze still not meeting hers.

''I know,'' she nodded sadly.

''I-I think it was the thunder,''

''It's over now, try not to think about it,'' she suggested. ''Think about your happy memories,''

''I don't have many of those,''

Hayley frowned, trying to think of how to help him.

''Then listen to the rain. Listen to it hitting against the windows, it's peaceful,''

Steve took a deep breath and listened, immediately registering the sound of the rain against the glass. It was peaceful indeed, but Steve's body just wouldn't stop shaking. He was out of his nightmare but it still loomed over him.

They were in silence for a few minutes until Steve leaned back against the headboard of the bed, his eyes slowly falling shut. He focused on the rain just as he was advised, breathing in slowly and carefully. Hayley watched as he calmed down, quietly moving away. However when Steve felt her hand slip from his arm, his eyes opened and he reached out for her.

Hayley turned immediately, her eyes locked on Steve's hand gripping her own. When she moved her focus upward, she saw Steve looking back at her with tired, pleading eyes.

''Can you...can you stay?'' he asked worriedly. ''I just need to know I'm still here,''

It wasn't hard to see the fear in his request. Steve was scared he was going to fall asleep and wake up in another time. His nightmare must have been about his crash, and now he couldn't get it out of his head. He needed Hayley to be his reminder that it wasn't going to happen again, that he was safe.

''Yeah,'' she nodded after a moment. ''I can stay,''

Steve moved over and provided her enough room to sit next to him, but he quickly went back to resting his head back and breathing steadily. Hayley didn't have time to process what was going on but she knew that she would do anything to help him right now, and if that meant sitting by his side so to reassure him he was okay, it required no thought.

Still, she could hear his heavy breathing and feel the tremble in his body as his hand continued to grip hers. He was still thinking about his nightmare and Hayley knew she had to take his mind off it. Seeing Steve like this wasn't something she enjoyed at all, in fact it pained her.

''Let's go to Coney Island again next week,'' she began, her voice soothing and happy. ''They have a carnival on and all the rides will be going. We can get hotdogs and go on the Cyclone, maybe not in that order though,''

''That sounds nice,'' Steve responded, his voice still shaky, desperately trying to snap himself out of his thoughts.

''It'll be nice and sunny, not a drop of rain in sight. The subway won't be busy, the people won't be assholes, the lines won't be long and if they are we'll get heaps of cotton candy to get us through,'' she continued, painting a perfect day for him to think about. ''And neither of us will be scared of the Cyclone because we're finally tall enough to ride it, and then we can go to the arcade and I'll win that blue teddy bear I've always seen on the posters and you'll win King Of The Hammer. Then when we're done, we'll get the best chocolate shake and sit down by the pier while the sun goes down, all the lights in Brooklyn turning on,''

Hayley watched as Steve's chest began to calm down, his breathing slowing down to normal as his eyes stayed closed. Steve enjoyed the day she was planning, but frankly just the sound of her voice alone was enough to calm him down. Her voice was so soothing, it was as if nothing bad could happen to him as long as she kept talking. He could still hear her voice as he felt himself slipping into unconsciousness, his mind needing a rest after running in overdrive. However he could still feel her hand in his, her thumb moving gently along his finger, and he had no intention of letting go.

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><p><em>*Matt Corby - Resolution<em>


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys, once again thanks for following/favoriting/supporting this story. I hope you're ready for the Avengers storyline because I'm just starting to get into it with this chapter and hopefully you'll be able to see another side of Hayley when she finally gets back into her field zone. **

**Thanks to everyone who reviews, I really appreciate hearing from you guys!**

**Enjoy the chapter :)  
><strong>

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><p><em>In my past, bittersweet,<em>  
><em>There's no love between the sheets,<em>  
><em>Taste the blood, broken dreams,<em>  
><em>Lonely times indeed,<em>  
><em>With eyes cast down<em>  
><em><br>_

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><p>Steve could hear the cars on the street below as he slowly awoke, missing his peaceful slumber already. His eyes were still closed, trying to hold on to his rest, when he felt a sudden yet slight movement. It barely took a second for him to realize his head was no longer on the hard, wooden board behind the bed and instead was laying on the side of Hayley's stomach. He must have slipped further down the bed as he fell deeper into his sleep, wanting to be close to Hayley and eventually using her as a pillow.<p>

Unsure as to whether or not he should move just yet, Steve thought about everything that had happened. He remembered his nightmare and he especially remembered Hayley calming him down, assuring him none of it was real, that he was safe. He just needed her to be with him after that, he needed to feel her voice and know that she was nearby. However now he felt completely embarrassed about it. It was one thing to have her see him in that state, but to ask her to stay with him through the night, that was just selfish and wrong.

They weren't like that. They were friends. Hayley was the closest person he had in his life, the only person, and he couldn't risk anything happening to that. He hoped he hadn't changed anything between them, he hoped he hadn't made Hayley uncomfortable.

''Good morning,''

The sudden greeting made Steve jump, but he soon lifted himself from her and leaned up on his elbow, his eyes meeting hers a few moments later. She didn't look as tired as usual and he wondered if she had managed to get any sleep.

''Is this the latest you've ever slept in?'' she asked.

Steve moved his focus over to the clock on his bedside table, eyes widening as it read 9.45 am.

''Oh god,'' he sighed, lifting his hand to rub along his temples. ''I'm sorry,''

''For sleeping in? You should be proud, that's a good effort right there,'' she joked, sensing that Steve was full of guilt.

''I shouldn't have made you stay-''

''I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't want to,'' she cut in.

''No, it was wrong of me to ask you to do that,'' he shook his head, sitting up.

''Steve, I know what it's like to have those nightmares and have them feel so real that you need a way to know they're not. You needed me to let you know it wasn't real and that you were still here, and I'm perfectly fine with that,''

Steve saw the look in her eyes when she spoke and he knew that she meant it. She wanted to help him anyway she could, but Steve hated being a burden to someone like that. Hayley could tell he was conflicted about the whole thing, but she was becoming frustrated that he wouldn't just accept that it was her decision to stay and be with him anyway. Steve may have asked for her help, but in the end it was Hayley's choice to whether or not she did anything regarding it.

''You let me lean on you that night,'' she reminded him.

''That was different, you didn't ask me to stay with you,''

''Which makes what you done mean so much more to me,'' she raised her voice. ''How can't you see that I want to help you?''

''I shouldn't need help with this!'' he snapped. ''Maybe I don't know everything about the twenty first century or how to use all the functions on my cell phone, but I should be able to sleep without needing someone's help,''

Hayley remained silent as Steve finally got out what he wanted to say, folding her arms and leaning back onto the headboard. He looked so pained, like he didn't know how to word what he was feeling. When this happened to Hayley, she did the same thing. She didn't want Steve's help, she didn't think she needed it. People shouldn't have to be assisted in falling asleep, but not all people went through what they had. Especially not Steve's situation.

Refusing help was something she could definitely relate to, but over the past month she had been changing that. All because of Steve. Because he didn't look at her like everyone else did when she told him about personal things, when she explained that she woke up in a fright every night, because he understood. Hayley just wished that he could see she was in his position now. She wanted to help but he just couldn't get past not needing it.

Hayley scooted to the edge of the bed and stood up moments later, gaining Steve's attention.

''Is it frustrating when you tell me I can talk to you about anything, but I tell you I don't need help?'' she asked, folding her arms again. ''Because that how I feel right now,''

Steve stared back at her.

''I'm not trying to upset you,''

''And I'm not trying to make you feel stupid about wanting me to stay with you last night, because it's _not_ stupid. You're my friend Steve, you're my best friend and you're so stubborn!''

There was a moment of silence between them once again before Steve looked up at her and almost broke out in a grin. Hayley caught him though before he could extend it to a laugh.

''What?'' she demanded.

''You're telling me _I'm_ stubborn,'' he chuckled lightly.

Hayley couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her lips as well.

''Well you are, and you're trying to change the subject,''

Steve let out a long sigh.

''I'm just not used to someone doing that for me,'' he told her. ''It's been a long time since someone's seen me so...scared,''

''It's nothing to be ashamed of,'' she shook her head, remembering the same thing Steve told her the night before. ''Everyone has their own triggers,''

''I just don't like dragging you into it,''

''Look, I'm pretty sure that by now we should really get past this whole 'this is my problem, this is my mess' deal. SHIELD didn't pair us up for no reason, they know we're dealing with the same shit,'' she took a seat beside him. ''Maybe not exactly the same and maybe not even in the same century, but it hurts us just the same. You help me and I help you, that was the assignment to begin with. It took me a long time to admit that. But wouldn't it be easier if we stopped trying to protect each other from what we already know is there?''

Steve could see what she was saying. They both had so much they were dealing with and it was all essentially the same stuff. Nightmares, triggers, memories, all of this baggage they were trying to run from and handle on their own, but it was proving too much. It was easier when they were together, they could lean on one another and everything was so much simpler. That was the whole point of them being given this assignment anyway, it had just taken them some time to get to that point where they could both admit they needed help, but also accept that help from only each other.

''When I refused SHIELD's help after I woke up, it was because I didn't want anyone to see me like this,'' he admit. ''Weak, vulnerable and scared. I didn't want anyone to see me that way or look down on me because of it. I don't trust SHIELD, but I do trust you,''

Hayley smiled, extending her hand out to put on top of his.

''Then let's make a deal. From now on we share the mess, no holding back when you need help,''

''This applies to you too,'' he added, a smile on his lips.

It felt like just by talking to her about it a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Hayley knew what he was going through and he knew what she was going through. There was no point trying to hide it from one another anymore.

''Deal,''

* * *

><p>Hayley had left Steve's apartment not long after their conversation, heading to her own apartment and jumping into the shower. Despite being by Steve's side, Hayley happened to have a few hours sleep as well and for once she didn't feel like she was going to black out from exhaustion during the day. It had been a long time since she had anyone by her side when she slept, but it was nice to have Steve holding her hand and knowing that she was close to someone who had the same troubles she did.<p>

Steve had changed a lot of things for Hayley since they had met, and she had changed a lot for him too. She could tell him things she wouldn't share with anyone else and they spent more time together than apart. It had taken a while to get used to the idea of having someone like him in her life, but she was glad SHIELD assigned them to one another. For once they hadn't made a bad call.

When Hayley stepped out and wrapped a towel around her body, she heard her phone ringing in her bedroom and hurried to answer it. There were only three people she ever expected calls from, but this number was not one of them. Cautiously, she answered.

''Hello?''

''Hello, is this O'Connor? I mean, Hayley O'Connor?'' a woman's voice asked.

''That depends who's calling,''

''Oh, it's Laura. I'm not sure if Elliot told you about me,''

Hayley had a small smile creep onto her lips then, folding her leg and sitting down on the edge of the bed. Blake had mentioned her before, maybe just the once, but her name instantly rang a bell in her mind. She remembered him briefly skipping over the details of meeting her, but what stood out the most was the redness that appeared on his cheeks whenever she tried to press the issue. It felt like so long ago.

''Laura, yeah I've heard him talk about you,'' Hayley answered after a pause. ''Is everything okay?''

''Well, it's just that I haven't heard from Elliot in a few days. I know he's on one of those missions but usually every three days he'll call me and y'know, just check in. But it's been five days now and I haven't heard anything. Before he left he told me if anything happened to call O'Connor,''

Hayley could hear the worry in her voice. She hadn't heard from Blake either in about a week, but she just assumed it was because she told him she didn't need him taking care of her from another country and on mission. It never occurred to her that anything would be wrong.

''Where was he when he called you last?''

''He said he couldn't tell me. I know he said he was going to Singapore, but that's it. I don't know where we was when he called last, I don't know what he was doing and now...I don't know what's happened,''

''I'm sure he's just busy,'' Hayley explained, trying to ease her worries. ''He does this sometimes, it's comes with the job, he's not trying to worry you,''

''I know, I just wish his job wasn't so secretive,'' Laura sighed.

''If I hear anything I'll call you, I'll try and find out what's going on but I'm not authorized to know much at all,'' Hayley told her. ''But I will let you know if I know anything,''

''Thank you Hayley,''

''No problem,''

When Hayley pulled the phone away from her ear, she ran over the conversation against in her head. Blake was always busy on missions, but always found time to call and check in. She understood him not calling her, she basically complained every time, but he had been calling Laura regularly and she knew he wouldn't just stop out of nowhere because he wouldn't want to worry her for no reason.

Which meant there was a big chance of there being an actual reason.

Hayley knew it was useless, but she tried calling Blake a few times, listening to it ring out and go to his voicemail. Blake wouldn't go this long without checking it unless something big was happening or worse, and Hayley tried to keep herself from thinking anything bad could have happened.

Blake was like a brother to her, she couldn't face anything happening to him. But he was also a SHIELD agent and was trained in taking care of himself, which only brought on more worries as Hayley considered what could have been stopping him from getting in contact.

In record timing, Hayley managed to dry herself off and get changed fast enough to leave her apartment looking somewhat decent. She didn't know if she was going to be able to get any answers from this facility considering she wasn't allowed onto the field and therefore had restricted access to almost everything, but there was no way she wasn't going to try.

Making her way to the field ops training level, Hayley took a deep breath as she continued walking, realizing just how long it had been since she was here. She folded her arms and kept them close to her chest as she made her way to the division's head agents. It was oddly intimidating to be back in these halls. She used to almost live in them, switching from training room to training room and spending most of her time mastering her skills, but being back now after everything that happened, she felt like a stranger.

It was when she almost made it to the main office that the alarm went off. There was a red light flashing beside her and a hologram appeared.

''Private Hayley O'Connor,'' the robotic woman's voice said. ''Clearance not authorized,''

Hayley sighed and rolled her eyes, hands immediately going to her hips. They weren't kidding when they said she had been banned from the training rooms. Lucky she didn't actually come up here all of those times she had wanted to sneak away and train properly.

''O'Connor,''

Turning to the human voice that came from behind her, Hayley didn't move her hands off her hips as she looked up at the man.

''Agent Kalita,'' Hayley greeted as best she could.

When she returned from the mission that killed her brother almost eight months ago, Kalita was the one who suggested to Coulson that she be taken from duty immediately. She understood that and appreciated his concern at the time, but it soon unraveled into him thinking she was done with the field, unable to cope with it anymore, and she did not appreciate that.

''I thought you would have been an agent by now,'' he smiled, friendly. ''Weren't you in talks to qualify with Coulson's unit?''

''Right,'' she remembered with a nod. ''Well, I guess the process got halted there for a while when I got back,''

Kalita's smile fell, realizing she perhaps wasn't too happy with him for taking part in her restrictions.

''Yes, I suppose so,''

Hayley didn't have time for awkward silences between the two of them, deciding to get to the point of her visit right away.

''I need to talk to Coulson,'' she folded her arms again.

''He's on assignment,''

''I know, but I need to talk to him,''

Kalita looked concerned for a moment, studying Hayley's face as if she knew something she shouldn't.

''You know he doesn't take calls when he's on the field,''

Just as the words left Kalita's mouth, his head snapped around at the footsteps approaching behind. Phil Coulson was walking down the hall, a look on determination on his face as usual, but today he seemed to be in much more of a rush. Neither of them knew what to do when Coulson silently made his way past them, slipping into his office as if everything was totally normal. Hayley watched as Kalita stared at the now closed door, confirming her suspicions that he wasn't supposed to be here.

Before anything else could be said, Hayley walked over to the agents door and let herself inside, ignoring Kalita's protesting gestures.

"Coulson," she looked over to the man. "I know you're busy,"

"Nice to see you back around field training again," he smiled briefly, his hands working as a safe inside his desk.

Hayley watched his cautiously, wondering what was going on. Coulson normally worked countless missions all at once, there wasn't a thing he didn't know about the assignments, which meant that somewhere in his busy and overworked mind, he would have answers for her.

"I need some information," she told him, staying where she was by the door.

"I'm not here long,"

"It won't take long. I was hoping you'd know where Agent Blake's being stationed," she asked, noticing Coulson's eyes flicker away from his work and to her.

"I thought he would have told you where he was going, he doesn't keep much from you,"

"He told me Singapore,"

"Singapore," Coulson shook his head, amused. "Should have known he'd use that, he's been wanting to tick that off his travel list,"

Hayley took a step closer, stopping and staring at the man, confused.

"He's not in Singapore?"

"You're not authorized to know that," Coulson looked up at her calmly.

"I don't care what my damn authorization is," Hayley fought, annoyed.

"SHIELD is about to go into chaos, something's happened at base and soon enough we'll all be faced with it," he told her. "The best thing you can do is stay away,"

"Don't treat me like I'm not part of SHIELD Coulson, like I'm some retired veteran who's done their part and is allowed to step back. I'm a-"

"You're a soldier, not an agent," he reminded. "Not yet. I never qualified you,"

"No, because I've been put on lockout," she snapped angrily. "I'm not here to argue about my situation, I just want to know where Blake is what's going on, I don't care about authorization. Coulson, that man is like a brother to me. If he's in trouble, I need to know, please,"

Coulson watched her carefully for a moment, understanding her need for information but also remembering she had no clearance for this information. However SHIELD was going to be facing something very soon where he couldn't guarantee a thing. Coulson had known Hayley for a long time, watching her grow and fall and pick herself up. But what was standing out to him the most right now was the fact that through all of that, especially after her brother passed, Agent Blake was there by her side. She was part of SHIELD, maybe she could handle knowing.

"Agent Blake was not in Singapore," Coulson shook his head. "He was on a highly confidential assignment at a remote SHIELD research facility,''

Hayley felt her heart beating faster in her chest.

''What do you mean he 'was'?'' she asked. ''Where is he now?''

''We don't know. There was an incident involving a powerful alien object and a crazed demi god who used a device to gain control over some of our agents and researchers, somehow like a spell on their mind, and stole that object. Blake was one of those agents,''

This was bad. SHIELD had the highest security possible and had every safety precaution and threat control that was needed. How someone claiming to be a demi god managed to get in and not only steal whatever SHIELD was working on but also take over human minds, it was unbelievable.

''I-I don't understand,'' she shook her head. ''An alien object and a demi god? How was Blake mixed up in all of that?''

''He's one of our best agents and we needed our top people on this,''

''And now they're gone,''

''We're working on it,''

''I need to know more,'' she demanded.

''You're not authorized to know anymore,''

''Then authorize me!'' she yelled, slamming her hands down on Coulson's desk. ''If he's been taken and you're leading some search crew to find them, I'm going with them,''

''It's not a search crew,'' he shook his head. ''But we're taking a small part of the defense team with us,''

''Where? What's your plan?'' she asked, knowing she wouldn't be allowed that information anyway. ''Coulson I'm part of that defense unit, I know I've been cut off from it for the past few months but I have not stopped training, I'm ready to go back in, especially to find our agents, to find Blake,''

Coulson looked up at her for a few moments, reaching over to grab a piece of paper and began scribbling something down on it. Hayley watched him curiously, wondering what was going on. Nothing seemed to make sense to her right now.

''I don't think you're completely ready,'' he told her, continuing on before she could argue. ''But I know you'd push past all of that to find Blake. His mind's been taken over and controlled, but you know him better than anyone, we could use your theories on what he might do. I'll put you in the defense unit, but this isn't a mission that we can take any chances with. If you can't handle it, or I think you're struggling, you're off it, no arguments,''

Hayley nodded firmly, accepting the terms. If there was ever a reason to go back when she still had doubts, it was to find Blake. He had been with her through everything and he would search for her just the same. There was no way she was letting anything stop her.

''Yes sir,''

* * *

><p><em>*Shake Me Down - Cage The Elephant<em>


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks to everyone following/favouriting and reviewing and reading :)**

* * *

><p><em>You've seen this all before<br>Life left on the shore  
>We're smiling all the same<br>You sail away again_

* * *

><p>Hayley gripped the piece of paper that Coulson gave her tight in her fingers as she rushed back to her apartment. It was coordinates to where she had to meet him in twenty minutes when he left the facility. The defense unit selected had already left for their base which meant Hayley would be accompanying Coulson to wherever they were off to. When it came to missions like this, the ones that worried even the Director of SHIELD, details were kept to an extreme minimum. She was glad to be going with Coulson though, she felt more comfortable with him than with the defense unit themselves. Coulson also had to brief her on everything that happened including the alien object and who the demi god was.<p>

There was a lot that had to be done, but Hayley was determined to be by Coulson's side in exactly twenty minutes, ready to go find Blake. She had already changed into her field uniform; a black jumpsuit with adjusting straps and holsters for the weapons she would be issued. Going straight back into the mode she would be in before leaving for a mission, Hayley grabbed her small backpack and threw in very few necessities that she would be needing and pulling her hair up into a ponytail. She checked herself in the mirror for a few seconds, smiling when she saw the reflection of the girl she used to be all those months ago.

When Hayley finally had a moment to herself to think, she could only fixate on one thing that made her feel unsure about leaving. Steve. It wasn't as if they she needed his permission, that wasn't it at all, but she felt like she owed him an explanation at least. She knew he deserved that, but she didn't know how to tell him. Hayley had assured him that getting back on the field wasn't her main priority anymore, it was getting better and making her way there progressively. This, however, was an opportunity and situation she couldn't back away from.

Hayley was pulled from her thoughts when she heard someone at the door and for a moment she thought it would be Coulson himself coming to tell her she wasn't coming along after all, but instead it was Steve, staring back at her in confusion.

"Steve," she have a light smile, trying to let him know things were okay.

The look on his face almost scared her. Eyes wide, mouth open, concern etched into every feature.

"W-what's going on?" he asked, stepping inside and closing the door.

Steve had taken the whole morning to accept what had happened the night before and their conversation earlier, feeling guilty in the end for not properly thanking her for helping him and making his way over to do so. But he was met with a very unexpected situation.

"I have to go," she told him calmly. "But I'll be back,"

"Go? Where?" he shook his head, eyes falling down and coming back up, scanning her figure. "A mission?"

Hayley sighed, pulling her hands up to rest on her hips.

"It's not what you think. I…there's not much I can tell you, SHIELD confidentiality and all, but it's not what you think,"

"Well I think it looks like you're back in the field," he summed up. "Did Rafferty approve you?"

Steve watched as Hayley looked back at him, shaking her head in response. He couldn't believe this. It was one thing for SHIELD to even allow this, but for Hayley to go against everything she had been saying these past few weeks meant that Steve might not have known her as well as he thought. She had assured him she didn't want to get back in the field like she used to, that she'd focus on herself and there was no rush, yet here they were.

"You can't be serious. You know you're not ready for field work,"

"You've seen me train Steve," she argued. ''I'm in better shape now than I was when on duty,''

"Physically ready is not what I meant,"

"No, I know what you meant. I've always known what you meant," she stared at him. "You think I can't handle it,"

"I didn't say that," he snapped.

"You didn't have to say the words Steve, I know you better than that,"

"Well then you're right. I don't think you'll be able to handle it. Hayley you haven't dealt with things yet and I know you've made progress but you still don't believe you have PTSD-"

"Please don't start on what we each don't believe about ourselves, because we both know you're dealing with the same thing," she shot back. "And if you had a good reason to fight again, you wouldn't think twice about it,"

Steve's jaw clenched in anger. He didn't like when people told him how he would feel or what he was going through, he didn't like being judged like that. Hayley knew what buttons to press to anger him and it had escalated too quickly. They stood in silence for a moment, each breaking off their glares and looking down at the floor.

"I don't want to argue," Steve told her.

"Neither do I," she shrugged. "I'm not going on this mission to hurt you or worry you, and I can't tell you why I am or what's going on, but it'd be nice if you trusted me,"

"I do trust you. But I don't think you're making the right decision," he shook his head. "Whatever missions SHIELD's pulling you into, they can deal with it themselves. You shouldn't have to run to them when they call,"

Hayley folded her arms now.

"Is that what you think I'd do? I asked to be part of this mission because it involves something important to me and I won't sit in my apartment while it unfolds because everyone thinks I'm some fragile piece of glass. I fought for it and I'm getting a chance,"

"What if something happens out there?"

"Then it happens," she shrugged. ''I can't help that,''

Steve scoffed and shook his head, clearly not happy with this whole idea.

"Why is it so important? The other day you told me you weren't going to focus on the field so much, that we both had a lot more important things to work on. Why does this mission change that?"

Hayley sighed and shook her head, frustrated.

"You know I can't tell you,"

"If it's important enough for you to risk your life because you're on the field with PTSD, you should be able to tell me,"

''Well I'm sorry but I can't,''

''What happened to not keeping things from one another?'' he reminded. ''Or does that not apply to you?''

''This is completely different Steve, don't throw that in my face. This is serious SHIELD business, I can't tell you even if I want to,''

Steve couldn't believe she was doing this. He could understand that their was a code of confidentiality and maybe he really couldn't know what the mission was, but he felt he deserved to know what was so dire that it caused Hayley to march back into duty and for SHIELD to let her.

''I guess I won't be seeing you again then,''

Hayley was insulted at that.

''Why? Because I go on one mission?''

''Because you're back in the field and you've made no secret about that being your primary goal in this whole thing. You took this assignment to show SHIELD you could get better and now that they're putting you back on, there's no need for this is there?''

''I can't believe you right now,'' she shook her head. ''Don't for a second accuse me of using you to get back in the field. After everything we've been through you honestly think I'd just abandon you?''

Steve had no response for her, instead he just stood there and shrugged.

''I'm back in the field and going on this mission because someone I care about, someone I love, is in danger,'' she explained. ''And when it comes to people I care about like that, I don't stop and think, all I care about is saving them. I would do exactly the same for you. If you can't understand that then there's nothing left to talk about,''

Hayley grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulders, moving toward the door. Steve didn't know whether he should stop her and talk about what was going on, who this person was she was running out to save and if he could help. But instead he watched her walk away, not knowing if he would see her again, if she would be safe. It wasn't until the door closed that he knew he should have stopped her.

* * *

><p>Coulson hadn't been surprised that Hayley turned up just in time for their jet to leave. He knew she was eager to begin the mission for many different reasons, but he had to keep a close eye on her. She hadn't been cleared for duty by Rafferty, she hadn't even been cleared for training, but Coulson knew they could use her on their team. However as he watched her standing around, he could see the determination in just her eyes.<p>

''I'm sure it's just like you remember,'' he began, walking over to stand beside her.

Hayley turned to him with a light smile, one that didn't quite manage to mask the anxiety she felt. Not only was she trying to prepare herself for whatever they were about to get into, she couldn't take her mind off the argument she had with Steve just moments before she left. It wasn't the way she wanted to start all of this.

''Never had such a small group before,'' she shrugged. ''You took in twenty from the defense unit when there's hundreds,''

''We don't want to make a bigger scene than necessary on this one. We know it's gonna hit public places, we want to be as covert as possible,''

''Well, in these jets I'm sure you'll be very inconspicuous,''

Coulson grinned.

''We've got something else in place for that,'' he told her briefly. ''And with the people we're lining up, hopefully we won't need all of the defense unit,''

Hayley's eyebrows rose.

''Who are you lining up?''

''Just some people SHIELD think will be able to help,''

Nodding in understanding, Hayley lifted her arms and folded them close to her chest as Coulson stepped away. She didn't know what sort of mission she was getting into or where Blake would be within it all, but she knew that it was bigger than the others she had been on. Coulson was worried, SHIELD was worried, it wasn't normal.

A few moments later Coulson returned with a bag and dropped it down on the bench nearby.

''Weapons,'' she pointed. ''Take you pick, fill your tac suit,''

Hayley paused for a moment before undoing the bag, looking over the guns and various bit and pieces she could use on the field.

''Blake told me about your experience at the range,''

''I'm sure he did,''

''He's looking out for you, and it's his job,'' Couslon shrugged. ''But I need you to know that if there's anything your uncomfortable doing or using out there, back off,''

''Coulson I'm not going to lose it out there,'' she assured. ''That day at the ranges was weeks ago and it opened my eyes. I've dealt with it...well I'm dealing with it. I'm not going to screw up,''

As if to prove her point, Hayley began loading a small pistol, making sure it was ready to go as she slipped it into the holster on her right thigh. She wasn't going to have a repeat of that day at the range, she couldn't afford it. She had to accept that there were always going to be things that were going to freak her out or ignite memories she didn't want to relive, but that was going to be something she had to adapt to and learn to live with.

''I've had combat prep down as daily routine for years Coulson, I've got this,'' she told him with a small smirk. ''But now I need some details on this mission,''

Coulson nodded and reached for a light brown file loaded with papers and pictures, handing it to her.

''The defense unit didn't quite get details as in-depth as what's in this file, but since I'd rather you be closer to my side during this thing, I thought you might appreciate knowing exactly what's going on,'' he told her.

Hayley didn't argue his point about wanting her to be by his side. He was worried and this mission was extremely serious, she understood his concerns. However she felt quite out of place knowing that she wasn't going to be directly in the defense unit throughout this, but enough time had passed that she figured even being with her unit she would still feel unwanted.

''_Exactly_ what's going on? Really? Exacts in SHIELD?''_  
><em>

Coulson tried to hide his smile.

''Just read the file,''

* * *

><p>It had been hours since Hayley had left and Steve had counted each one, regretting the fact he hadn't stopped her and let her know how how worried he was. It wasn't that he was mad at her for going off to do what she had done her whole life, what she was trained to do and wanted to do. It was that Steve knew she was going to be overwhelmed. She hadn't been cleared to go back into the field, she hadn't even been cleared to go back into training, and that scared him. It was a mixture of anger and worry and he couldn't take his mind off it.<p>

After spending so much time with her, Steve liked to think he knew her quite well, but this had definitely taken him by surprise. From waking up that morning with her by his side, convincing him it was all okay and that they'd always be there for one another, to watching her walk out and into a dangerous mission hours later, this day hadn't gone as he expected.

Since sleep was out of the question when his mind was on so many things, Steve did what he usually done and headed out to the gym. It felt lonelier in there than usual, even when Hayley wasn't with him, because he knew she wasn't anywhere near him now. Steve tried hard not to think about her, hoping she would be back in a few days and maybe things could be the way they were, but he knew that wouldn't happen. He hated their argument too, but he had just been so angry. He had to stop thinking of it or he would drive himself mad.

Sadly, the only other thing on his mind was the nightmare he had the night before. Crashing into the water, feeling the ice around him, Peggy's voice the last he heard, the sound of the plane hitting the hard ice. Soon enough Steve's fists were hitting the punching bag harder then ever.

Then Hayley came back into his mind. She looked so innocent and happy, sitting on the pier with him in Brooklyn, hugging a blanket close on his couch, playing with the straw in her chocolate milkshake. Her hazel eyes and matching hair shining in the sun, looking back at him and making him feel nothing but peace and comfort. But now she had left him, and he had no idea if she would come back.

That's when the bag flew off the hinges and slammed into the wall behind. Steve heaved for air as he stared at the wreckage, swiftly turning around the pick up another.

"Trouble sleeping?"

Steve turned to the voice just after throwing a couple of punches, seeing the same man he met the day he woke up. The Director of SHIELD.

"I slept for seventy years sir, I think I've had my fill," he replied, his frustration seeping through.

Fury walked closer, his hands behind his back as he took a leisurely pace over to the man. Steve didn't know him too well, only dealing with him a few times since waking up, but he was the leader of SHIELD and Steve had respect for them.

''You should be out,'' Fury commented. ''Celebrating, seeing the world,''

Steve gave the man a look before beginning to walk over to his bag, unraveling the wraps on his hands.

''When I went under we were at war, when I woke up they said we won. They didn't say what we lost,'' he spoke.

''We've made some mistakes along the way,'' Fury admit. ''Some very recently,''

That's when he pulled his arms around to his front, Steve finally catching a glimpse of the file in his hands. There was only one thing the Director would come to him for considering he wasn't on field duty, or any duty actually.

''Are you here with a mission sir?'' he asked, knowing.

''I am,'' Fury nodded.

''Trying to get me back in the world?''

Everything from his argument with Hayley earlier was coming back to him and he couldn't help it. It was her job to assist him getting back into the world, to adapt to everything that had changed and she was the only person he wanted doing that. He didn't trust SHIELD and he didn't know the Director very well, but the fact the he wanted to get Steve back into things like this didn't make him overly confident.

''Trying to save it,''

Fury extended his arm, holding out the file for Steve to take. He was hesitant at first, but when he saw the image on the page Fury had opened, he couldn't help his curiosity. The Tesseract. The blue cube he had died protecting the world from.

''Hydra's secret weapons,'' he spoke, almost inaudibly, as he sat down on the bench.

''Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you,'' Fury explained. ''He thought...well, we thought that the Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs,''

Steve could see what had happened now, it wasn't hard to piece together. SHIELD had the Tesseract and now they were coming to him for help. Closing the file with a slightly annoyed looked on his face, he handed it back before asking.

''Who took it from you?''

''He's called Loki. He's...not from around here. There's a lot we'll have to bring you up to speed with if you're in. The world had gotten a lot stranger than you already know,''

''At this point I doubt anything would surprise me,'' he stood up, ready to leave.

''Ten bucks says you're wrong,'' Fury wagered. ''There's a debriefing package back at your apartment,''

Steve paused, his bag in his hand, and turned back to face the Director. It all seemed too coincidental that Hayley would be needed for a mission the same day he was and that she couldn't tell him anything due to how big it was. But she never mentioned speaking to Fury, however Steve could easily see her not telling him that anyway. But someone Hayley cared about was in trouble, and if SHIELD was letting her back on the field, surely it would be for something huge like this.

''Is this the same mission you sent Hayley O'Connor on?'' he asked.

Fury took a moment to realize what he was referring to. With so much to be accountable for as Director, Fury had forgotten that the two of them had been assigned together and apparently becoming friends. He sighed and looked down for a moment, not needing to give Steve an answer for him to know.

''You sent her out in search for that?'' he asked again, pointing at the file.

''No,'' Fury denied. ''I didn't send her anywhere. Coulson is in charge of his defense unit, he chooses the operatives. Hayley O'Connor chose this mission,''

''She's not cleared for it and you let her go,''

''It's not my unit, and I trust Coulson's judgement,'' Fury argued.

''She's been off the field for months and the first thing you send her on is a search for the Tesseract,'' Steve shook his head, angry.

''I did not send her out for that,'' Fury said again. ''We have agents out there under Loki's control against their will and one of those agents happens to be someone very close to Hayley,''

It wasn't hard to click the pieces together now.

''Blake,'' Steve whispered to himself.

''I don't know what's going on between you two and I don't particularly care, but Hayley O'Connor has been with SHIELD long enough to decide whether she can handle this or not. Right now we don't have the luxury of screening operatives and agents for this mission,''

Steve thought about his earlier argument, Hayley's points making a lot more sense now. She was out there looking for Blake, trying to save him from Loki, and that's why she left. It wasn't to get back on the field or prove anything to SHIELD, it was to save someone she loved. And now it was Steve's turn to do the same.

''Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we don't already know?'' Fury asked when Steve began walking away again.

''You should have left it in the ocean,''

* * *

><p><em>*Dead In The Water - Ellie Goulding<em>


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys, once again thanks to everyone following/favoriting/reviewing and supporting the story. Thanks for reading :)**

* * *

><p><em>I was too weak to give in<em>  
><em>Too strong to lose<em>  
><em>My heart is under arrest again<em>  
><em>But I break loose<em>  
><em>My head is giving me life or death<em>  
><em>But I can't choose<em>  
><em>I swear I'll never give in<em>  
><em>I refuse<em>

* * *

><p>Hayley wasn't expecting their location to be somewhere in the middle of the sky, but that's exactly where Coulson's jet landed. It was a huge craft, bigger than anything she had been on before, and it was just floating there in the sky as a makeshift headquarters for this mission. Coulson called it the helicarrier, but Hayley couldn't quite find a word yet to describe it herself.<p>

After reading over the file on the way, Hayley had a good understanding of what was going on. The Tesseract had been taken along with agents, SHIELD wanted to get them all back. The Tesseract sounded familiar and it didn't take too long before Coulson explained to her it was the same weapon that Steve had 'died' protecting from the world. It was hard not to be mad about the fact SHIELD had it for so many years, but right now her mind was on getting it back and finding Blake. There was also the threat of Loki, the demi god, to worry about as well. This mission was very quickly becoming her most complex and most dangerous yet, but even that didn't scare her away.

Right now though she was being lead down the corridor in the helicarrier by a commanding agent, taking her to the defense unit who were on standby in one of the warehouses, training. Coulson had explained he had to pay someone a visit and Hayley knew that she wouldn't get any further information if she bothered asking, so instead she agreed to join her team right away. It was going to take some time to get used to being around them all again and getting back into her routine before a mission and she could feel her hands balling into fists by her side.

''Ah, Private O'Connor,''

Hayley's eyes flickered over to the man beside her, dressed in a grey t-shirt and dark blue cargo pants. He had the same determined look on his face as he always did when starting a mission, his hands on his hips casually as he smiled over to her.

''Commander Brennan,'' Hayley smiled in return, noticing the agent escorting her had now left.

''Long time no see,'' he took a few steps closer. ''Never thought I'd miss your annoying ass,''

Chuckling lightly, Hayley was instantly taken back to the old days with just the sound of his playful voice.

''And I never thought you'd consider anyone more annoying than yourself,'' she retorted, folding her arms. ''Has much changed since...since I've been gone?''

Brennan caught her small stutter, his smile almost disappearing when he thought about the fact her brother was no longer with them. Hayley and Nick would always show up together before splitting off, meeting back up on the field and working together. Brennan had never seen two people cooperate so well together and navigate through all sorts of situations out there on the field like they did and it was sad to think that one half of that team was gone. However he was glad that she was back.

''Same old, O'Connor,'' Brennan shook his head. ''Got a few new recruits, a few left to join tech instead but defense is still going strong. We've been working ops all over the place for a couple of months now, only just got back in town when SHIELD shipped us back out for this deal. Although I don't know whether to be insulted they didn't take more of the team or take it is a compliment that they only needed us,''

Hayley knew why they only needed a small group, but she played along with a shrug. It wasn't as if they were being kept in the dark about the mission, Coulson had told her that defense knew about the Tesseract and Loki, but they just needed small numbers to avoid any suspicion. However something told Hayley that if they were dealing with a demi god and a powerful weapon from a whole other world, they were going to gain attention whether they liked it or not.

''So am I being put back in my rank or do I have to climb my way back up?'' she asked, looking around at a few of the people she didn't know.

''Well you've been gone for a while,'' he shrugged.

''Yeah I get it,''

Brennan grinned, nudging her shoulder.

''C'mon O'Connor, I don't care about ranks, least not on this mission. All I care about is that you can do your job and do it well,'' he told her honestly.

''I'll do my best sir,''

''Sir, huh? So I do have some professionalism left?''

''A little bit,'' Hayley rolled her eyes. ''You sure don't act like a Commander,''

''It's just a title to me. We all fight on the field the same way, I just get to call the shots every now and then. Which reminds me,'' he turned to her, pulling his arms behind him to look firm. ''Training. Now.''

Hayley pulled her hand up to salute the man, a small smirk appearing on her lips.

''Yes sir,''

Brennan chuckled lightly before walking away, giving her a quick point to where she was supposed to heading. Just like that, Hayley was thrown back into her old life, but everything felt so different and off. Even without her brother by her side, which felt weird enough, she still didn't feel right about being here. Maybe she wasn't completely ready for this, but she knew she was one hundred percent ready to try. To help Blake, to help protect the Earth from a crazed god and retrieve a weapon that Steve gave his life to keep hidden. That brought her back to where her mind kept going.

Steve.

* * *

><p>There was no reason for him not to go. This mission involved the Tesseract, a weapon he never thought he'd see again, and it was literally a mission to save the world. Not to mention Hayley was on that mission already. He would be lying to himself if he denied being drawn to it because of her. Steve knew Hayley could take care of herself, she was a trained soldier and field operative, she was more than capable. But he couldn't help worrying.<p>

So he had agreed to go. After returning home from the gym and his conversation with Fury, he had read over the package sent to his apartment and realized that SHIELD had a plan to deal with this. Rounding up a group of people who had special abilities and hoping they could help find the Tesseract, their agents, and defend the world from Loki. How he fit that list of people he had no idea, but Steve wasn't turning down the opportunity to help protect the world. After all, he had done it once before.

With just a small bag, Steve had walked into the back of Coulson's jet and looked around at everything inside. As much as times had progressed and the equipment had changed, sitting in the back of the jet near the parachutes reminded him of being back in the war, specifically the night Peggy and Howard flew him to go find Bucky.

''It won't be too long, these things can go faster than usual,'' Coulson informed him.

''It's fine,'' Steve nodded in return.

''I thought you might want to look over some basic information about your team,'' the man pulled out a clear device, tapping what was now known to be a screen and lighting it up. ''They're...well they've got some interesting stories,''

Steve accepted the device, figuring it would work just like a cell phone. Coulson was surprised he was so comfortable using it, expecting him to possibly have some troubles or questions. But soon enough he was reading over the profile of Natasha Romanoff, a former assassin and first member of the team. Coulson was right, they did have interesting stories and some complex backgrounds.

SHIELD wouldn't have chosen them if they weren't right for the job however, and Steve continued reading, wanting to know who he was going to be meeting. After Natasha, Steve swiped the screen to reveal the profile of Tony Stark. He remembered seeing the surname plastered across the side of a building in New York one day when he was out with Hayley and she had mentioned the name Tony and Iron Man, but Steve hadn't pressed her about it. It was odd reading a profile on Howard's son considering it felt like only a few weeks ago Steve was talking to the man back in 1945, but he had become very familiar with that feeling.

After reading over the suit Tony had made, watching a few of the attached videos of Iron Man and seeing that he was listed as a SHIELD consultant, Steve moved on to Bruce Banner. He almost couldn't believe what he was seeing. The man turned into a huge green monster, a completely unrecognizable being, all because of a lab accident. His anger and pain triggered it and judging from the videos, nothing could stop it or slow it down.

''We're about 40 minutes out from home base sir,''

The pilot's voice barely registered to Steve as his eyes remained locked on the screen but noticed Coulson stepping away from his seat.

''So this Dr. Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me?'' Steve asked, still shocked at what he was seeing.

''A lot of people were,'' Coulson confirmed. ''You were the world's first super hero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula,''

So all of this traced back to him, or more specifically Erskine. Steve looked back down at the video silently playing on the screen in his hands.

''Didn't really go his way, did it?'' he spoke quietly.

''Not so much. When he's not that thing though, the guy's like a Stephen Hawking,''

Steve looked up, unfamiliar with the name.

''He's like a...smart person,'' Coulson briefly explained with a shrug.

There was a pause between them then and Steve turned away, looking back at the screen. There was so much he still didn't know about the world and he was only just becoming confident with what he did know and with catching up, but without Hayley he just felt like he was right back where he was after waking up.

''I gotta say, it's an honor to meet you,'' Coulson spoke again, his tone failing to hide his excitement. ''Officially. I sort of met you. I watched you when you were sleeping,''

Steve didn't really know what to say to that.

''I mean I was present...while you were unconscious...from the ice,'' Coulson struggled with his words, following Steve over to stand behind the pilots and look out to where they were headed. ''It's just a real...you know, it's just a huge honor to have you on board,''

Coulson wished he had a handle on his words that day, but being around a living legend that he had admired since he was a young child put a lot more pressure on him than any day he's had on the field.

''Well I hope I'm the man for the job,'' Steve nodded, looking out.

''Oh you are, absolutely,'' Coulson assured. ''We uh, made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input-''

''Uniform?'' Steve asked, genuinely surprised that SHIELD even considered it. ''Aren't the stars and stripes a little...old fashioned?''

''With everything that's happening, all the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned,''

Steve nodded slightly and turned away, his assumptions about this mission changing once again. It was worse than he thought and since he was going to have to work with a group of people he hadn't met, all of which were much more familiar with the world than he was. Steve didn't like being treated like he was stupid or disadvantaged.

''Is this the only team you've got for this?''

''The only team we're hoping to use. But we've got a couple of SHIELD units if we need them,'' Coulson answered, already sensing why he was asking. ''If you're asking for someone in particular-''

''No,'' Steve shook his head, his eyes focused on where the jet was headed still. ''I was just...curious,''

* * *

><p>Hayley looked straight ahead at the target before her, her focus on steadying the tremble in her hand as she lifted the gun once again. Just moments ago she had fired her first gun since the day Blake took her to the ranges, and she had missed, hitting the backboard and not even getting close to the white dot in the middle. Brennan had been supervising her at Coulson's request and on his own accord, worried that maybe the woman he fought beside many times before wasn't actually ready to do this. However Hayley was nothing if not determined and frankly stubborn.<p>

"I've got it," she assured, shaking her head when Brennan offered to move them on to a different exercise. "I'm just a little rusty,"

"There's a first for everything," he chuckled nervously as she lifted the gun again.

The Hayley he remembered didn't have this problem, she was one of their best shooters, in fact she was one of their best everything. But after the day her brother died and under the circumstances it happened, he could see why it was hard for her to get back to it.

_"O'Connor!"_

Hayley blocked the memories threatening to rush through her, gritting her teeth and staring at the target once again. There were other operatives around, she couldn't risk being seen as weak.

_"Nick! Nick keep your eyes open!"_

_"I got shot,"_

_"Nick! Stay with me!"_

Pulling the trigger once again, Hayley kicked at the ground in frustration as the bullet missed once again. It was her hand, it just wouldn't stop shaking. Her grip on the gun was shocking, her knuckles white and veins almost breaking through the skin. She hated herself for not being able to even hit the target let alone the white point in the middle. It was like she was useless. Dropping her arms to her side, Hayley looked up at Brennan who tried desperately to show her he wasn't disappointed.

"It's gonna take some time," he spoke calmly.

"I haven't got time. We can't afford me screwing up out there," she groaned. "Just…let me give it one more shot,"

"I think that's enough for this session. We can try again later. I know you can do it but you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to be like you used to. We all change O'Connor, but you just gotta keep up with yourself,"

Sighing in defeat, Hayley handed the gun back to Brennan before looking down at the pistol in her holster. If she couldn't shoot a bullet at a target on the wall of a training warehouse, how could she possibly help anyone out there on the field?

She knew she was broken, but for a while there she thought she was getting better. Maybe she was beyond the point of being fixed. Hayley wouldn't accept that, she couldn't deal with being inadequate on a mission when there could be no mistakes.

''Wait,'' she called out, stopping Brennan before he walked away. ''I want to try again,''

''O'Connor-''

''Don't look at me like that, I_ hate_ when people look at me like that,'' she shook her head. ''Don't feel sorry for me,''

Brennan frowned and stepped closer to her, gun in his hand ready to pass over to her, but he waited until she looked at him again. It was true this wasn't the same Hayley he used to know, but she was still as stubborn as ever.

''I'm in charge here O'Connor, if I don't think you're ready to do this I won't put you on,''

''But I need to be out there. I can't sit back in the warehouse or in the jet while everyone else is fighting, that's not me and you know it. Blake's out there, the damn Tesseract is out there and I need to help get them back so give me the gun so I can work on this,''

''You're giving your Commander orders,''

''Yes sir, I am,'' Hayley nodded, a cocky smile threatening to spread over her lips.

After a moment, Brennan reached down and checked the gun in his hand was loaded before giving it to Hayley, watching as she gripped it professionally and checked it herself.

''I can't let you train without supervision,'' he warned.

''Honestly, I think I need to do this alone,''

''Coulson doesn't want you pushing yourself,''

''Is Coulson here?'' she asked. ''You are, so you get to make the call. Come on Brennan, I'll be fine. I've been off duty for a few months. It's just like riding a bike, I need to find my balance again,''

Brennan kept his gaze on her for a few more moments while he thought, eventually nodding his head in agreement. Being a Commander of a unit like his, it was hard to remember that he was the one in charge. Everyone followed their orders, everyone watched each other's backs, it was easy to lose focus on what his role was. Brennan trusted everyone in his unit and even though his worries mainly lied with Hayley getting hurt, he knew he could trust her when she said she needed to do this on her own.

''I won't be far though,'' he warned. ''And I'll be checking every few minutes,''

Hayley smiled over to him in appreciation, giving him an nod of understanding.

''That's fine with me,''

''I should hope so,'' Brennan chuckled, stepping away. ''I have to call the shots every now and then around here y'know,''

When he was finally out of the room, Hayley took a deep breath and looked down at the gun in her hands. It was hard to believe a weapon so small could do so much damage, and not just physical. The sound of bullets had always woke her up in the middle of the night whether it was nightmares or just memories of her time in the military, but she had fired them many, many times before.

All she had to do was push past all of this fear and nervousness. She had to get back to the person she used to be, and she was going to do it her own way.

* * *

><p><em>*Best Of You - Foo Fighters<em>


	16. Chapter 16

_There was a time when a moment like this  
>Wouldn't ever cross my mind<br>The sun will rise with my name on your lips  
>'Cause everything will change tonight<em>

It was almost the afternoon by the time the jet had made it to the helicarrier which was still setting up in the sky. People scrambled around everywhere as they landed and Steve was having a tough time believing what he was seeing. The craft was huge, he had no idea how it was holding up in the middle of the air so steadily and how SHIELD managed to make it all work. This was going to be the headquarters for the mission as Coulson told him, and Steve was sure he was going to end up owing Fury that ten dollars he bet on nothing surprising him.

Coulson was speaking to him as they began walking out of the jet, but Steve could barely process anything other than the sights before him, trying not to seem at all overwhelmed or confused about what everything was. His biggest curiosity happened to be finding out what the helicarrier was, but he wasn't about to ask. When they both set foot on the concrete runway on the carrier, their gaze turned to the red haired woman walking toward them, unfazed by everything going on around them.

''Agent Romanoff,'' Coulson greeted, turning to Steve then. ''This is Captain Rogers,''

''Ma'am,'' Steve smiled.

''Hi,'' she returned, her voice husky and alluring.

Steve watched her and remembered everything he had read on the way here, thinking of how this woman before him was one of SHIELD's best agents. She was different than he had expected. She presented herself so professionally and so casually at once, it was an odd mixture, but then Steve remembered she was also a spy, she knew how to appeal to people.

''They need you one the bridge,'' she told Coulson. ''They're starting the face trace,''

With one quick look back at Steve, Coulson excused himself and made his way to where he was needed, leaving Steve with Natasha Romanoff. The people around them continued their duties, carrying large crates and unloading equipment that Steve hoped they wouldn't have to use. He had already fought one war with the Tesseract, he was hoping it wouldn't go that far this time.

Soon enough Natasha took a step and Steve was following.

''It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice,'' she began. ''Thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?''

Steve turned to her with a look of surprise.

''Trading cards?''

''They're vintage, he's very proud,''

It was then that Steve recognized a man standing around nearby, moving to try and get out of the way of everyone else.

''Dr Banner!'' he called out.

Bruce saw him a moment later and walked over, taking the hand Steve had extended out and shaking it politely.

''Oh yeah, hi,'' he greeted. ''They told me you'd be coming,''

''Word is you can find the cube,''

''Is that the uh...only word I mean?''

''Only word I care about,'' Steve assured.

Bruce nodded at his words. He wasn't used to being around people who weren't cautious or afraid and although he appreciated Steve not treating him like a monster, he was sure he would be one of the very few.

''Must be strange for you,'' Bruce began, looking around the landing pad of the helicarrier. ''All of this,''

Steve too looked around, seeing groups of SHIELD soldiers running in sync, everyone in preparation mode. They were getting ready for battle, a possible war.

''Well, this is actually kind of familiar,''

* * *

><p>Although it was still going off slightly to the left, Hayley's aim was getting much better. She had always kept her shooting skills finely tuned, but it had all gotten away from her over the past months. Brennan bad been letting her train alone for almost two hours now, allowing her the time she needed to push through the fear that kept making her body tremble, to stop focusing on the sound of the bullet being shot and the memories attached to it and instead on where it was going. There was still a lot to work on, but Hayley was happy with getting at least one small training exercise complete and having something she could use out on the field again. Even if her hand still continued to shake.<p>

''Is this your first time back in training?''

Hayley's head whipped to the side to see a red haired woman standing by the door, her arms folded as she took a few steps into the room. She had never had a personal meeting with the woman before, but there wasn't one person in SHIELD who didn't know who the agent was. Reputations, rumors and myths spread like wildfire within the organization just like a high school.

''That bad, huh?''

''I wouldn't say that,'' Natasha shook her head. ''After reading your file, I'd say impressive,''

''Coulson suggest you read up on me?''

''I make a point to know who I'll be working with,''

Setting the gun down on the small table off to the side, Hayley stretched her fingers and balled them into a fist before folding her arms as well, turning so she was facing the agent. Natasha could be very intimidating when she needed to be and even with a slight smile on her face, Hayley could see why she was one of SHIELD's best.

''I'm just in defense,'' Hayley shrugged. ''I know Coulson said I might be able to offer some advice on Blake's motives but I honestly don't know what that man did to him, I don't know how it would have changed him,''

Natasha watched her for a moment, her smile slowly fading.

''Barton was one of those agents too,''

''I heard,'' Hayley nodded. ''Wherever they are, I hope they're together. I know they'd have each other's backs,''

''They're under some sort of spell,'' Natasha explained. ''Protecting each other isn't going to be a priority, only being loyal to Loki. I know Barton and how he makes his decisions but I haven't worked as closely with Blake or had a chance to get a read on him. If you know how Blake works maybe we can predict what information he's going to give Loki about SHIELD,''

''I don't know how useful it'll be but I'll tell you anything I can if it gives us a chance at finding them. Have they found anything yet?'' Hayley asked, moving to unload the gun she sat down.

''Nothing we can use. We weren't expecting a visitor from Asgard, can't exactly determine his movements,'' she informed, watching Hayley's hands move expertly over the weapon. ''We're running a face trace on him now, hopefully it'll pull up a location and we can head out,''

''So is SHIELD going to explain why they had the Tesseract in the first place?''

Natasha frowned.

''That's not my concern right now, but something tells me they have their reasons, they always do,''

''I doubt much would justify having an alien weapon in their possession for so long,'' Hayley scoffed. ''But right now I just want to find Blake and the others,''

''Even when we find them, it won't end there,'' Natasha warned.

''I know, but until we do find them, the rest isn't-''

Hayley's words were interrupted when the door to the training room opened, an agent poking their head inside and locking their eyes on the red haired woman.

''They've got a match,'' the agent told her.

Natasha knew exactly what he was talking about and it wasn't hard for Hayley to piece it together either. The face trace had locked.

''Where?'' Natasha asked, already moving toward the door.

''Germany,''

Hayley's feet were moving before she even though about it, following the agent out of the room. If Loki was an indicator to where SHIELD's agents were, there was no way she wasn't following them on this. Blake was out there somewhere and Hayley wasn't letting them bring him back without her.

''O'Connor!'' Brennan's voice came from the joining corridor. ''Hurry up, let's go!''

Natasha didn't look back at Hayley when she heard her footsteps going off to the side, her mind on getting their jet out of there and en route to Germany. But Hayley's mind was on the exact same thing.

''Germany?'' she asked Brennan when they were close enough.

''Leaving now,'' he nodded. ''Gear up on the jet, Fury wants us there first so we can get on the ground and sweep for agents,''

''What about Romanoff's jet?'' Hayley asked, walking at a fast pace to keep up with the officer as they walked down a narrowing hall.

''Coulson's got a team going in the air to strike Loki, but our job is to find the agents,''

''Are we sure they're there?''

''It's our only lead, gotta hope they are. I'll brief everyone when we get going but right now hurry up and get on that jet,''

Hayley's lips quirked up into a smirk, adrenaline finally making an appearance in her as her old 'mission mind', as she called it, kicked in.

''Yes sir,''

* * *

><p>A lot had changed since Steve had heard the words 'Cap, you're up' once Loki's location had been found. Coulson instructed an agent to show him to one of the rooms where his improved Captain America suit was waiting for him. It was surreal to see it again, it took him right back to when he first wore the costume on stage back in the 40's. The colors, the stripes and the helmet were only changed slightly, leaving him with an odd feeling of getting back into a routine he was familiar with decades earlier. Even the shield in his hands held memories that were extremely close to him. Howard Stark had made it for him, Peggy Carter had approved of it, and after all this time it had survived and returned back to him.<p>

The uniform felt tighter than he remembered, but he didn't have time to worry about that just now. Within seconds of him leaving the room, there were agents escorting him down the halls and back out onto the helipad he arrived on earlier. Steve tried his best to memorize the way they had come for later use.

''Ready?'' Natasha asked, her voice coming from one of the two seats at the front of the jet.

No longer in her jacket and red shirt, the agent was dressed in her tactical uniform with weapons strapped around her, a headpiece stretched around her ears and her hands pressing multiple buttons that closed the door right behind Steve.

It was him, Natasha and a co-pilot. No back up agents.

''SHIELD isn't sending others?'' he asked, knowing that if he didn't he wouldn't have a clue what was going on, and he didn't like walking into a mission like that.

''There's another team heading in now but they have their own orders, ours are for Loki,'' she explained simply.

Steve nodded in understanding, walking around the empty jet before he had to hang on as they began approaching a speed that wouldn't be recommended for any other aircraft. If there was a possibility of a war beginning today, Steve was determined to change that.

* * *

><p>Hayley was fumbling with the holster on the back of her leg when she heard one of the others offer to help. They didn't look familiar to her, but she gave them an appreciative smile when they adjusted the strap for her which was just out of her reach.<p>

''Not the easiest thing getting geared up in the back of a shaky jet,'' the woman chuckled.

''It isn't,'' Hayley agreed, flicking a piece of stray hair away from her eyes.

''This is your first mission back, isn't it?''

Frowning at how obvious it must have been, Hayley nodded.

''I thought so, I haven't seen you in training but I saw you talking to Commander Brennan. I'm Harrison, Brianna Harrison,''

''O'Connor,''

''I think I've heard your name before,'' Harrison thought, obviously searching for a reference before giving up. ''Anyway, let me know if you need anything,''

''You might be the first person I've ever worked with who offers help to the shakies,''

''Shakies?''

''When you've been out of it for a while and you come back, usually those people have the shakes,'' Hayley explained, looking down at her hand which was in a fist again and trembling slightly. ''But some people hide it pretty well. I'm not one of them unfortunately,''

They fell into a silence as the trip continued on, but within a few hours of alternating between sitting and standing in different positions, they were getting ready for landing. Brennan shouted out a few more orders to make sure everyone understood what they were doing. So far Hayley's duty was to go with the group outside the building in Stuttgart where there was currently a gala and search for SHIELD agents or any of the other people Loki had under his control, but none of them were to make contact with the God.

Other SHIELD agents were being called in to deal with him, but Hayley still couldn't believe they were going to be near someone so powerful and dangerous. Gods from other planets wasn't exactly a threat she ever thought she would have to face. When the jet hit the ground a few blocks away, everyone grabbed their guns and moved toward the exit of the jet.

Brennan spotted Hayley and gave her a look that silently asked if she was okay and ready for this to which she just nodded and gave him a slight smile, her grip on her gun tightening. Within a few seconds, the mission had begun.

Hayley's eyes were scanning every corner she passed and double checking every sound she heard. If Loki was here, he wouldn't be here alone. Blake, Barton and the others were around here somewhere and they were going to find them. Blake wouldn't give up on her or let anything get in his way if she was in his position and that was one of the things that kept her going, that made her grip her gun tight and focus on the mission instead of her trembling hands.

* * *

><p>It wasn't long until Steve had arrived not far from the gala and the jet had dropped him on the ground to make his way to Loki. Steve had no idea what to expect or what he was getting into, but there were innocent people standing around in the street that also didn't know what was about to happen and he couldn't let them get hurt.<p>

When he made his way over, he could hear the voice of a man booming over a group of people and Steve could make out the gold spark from the God's helmet. There were far too many people around to attack. Steve took a moment to realize just what he was witnessing. This man was from another country, he had stolen a weapon that Steve died to keep away from the world, and now he was ordering innocent people to kneel before him. It was all too familiar.

''Not to men like you,''

Steve's attention was taken by an elderly man in the crowd, rebelling against the mad man's words. It made Steve feel like there were still people in the world willing to stand up against this sort of thing, but it also made him fear for the man.

''There are no men like me,'' Loki smirked, his voice satisfied.

''There are always men like you,''

That done it.

''Look to your elder people, let him be an example,''

Steve watched as Loki raised the scepter, the one with the same blue glow he had been told about, it's powers able to completely take over the mind of anyone. He was going to kill the man. Without thinking twice, Steve dove into the crowd and used the shield in his hand to deflect the blast Loki had shot toward the old man back into the God.

''You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everyone else,'' Steve began, walking toward him while he was down. ''We ending up disagreeing,''

''The soldier,''

* * *

><p>The screams coming from outside were almost deafening, but they all had clear orders to stay away from the area where Loki was and instead focus on getting to the agents. With a few hand signals from Brennan, they had all split up around the building's surroundings in order to find anyone trying to flee. If they were here with Loki they would be wanting to get to him right now and that's when Brennan planned to find them.<p>

When Hayley heard Natasha Romanoff's voice echoing throughout the streets on loudspeaker, she knew SHIELD was here dealing with Loki. However that was the last thing on her mind when she heard bullets beginning to fly nearby.

''Get down!'' she heard one of the soldiers yell.

Hayley didn't waste time ducking, rolling to hide behind one of the metal bins as she heard footsteps running by. It was a SHIELD agent. Brennan had him, running in pursuit, but then Hayley realized where he had come from.

''They're inside,'' she whispered loud enough for the two agents across from her to hear.

''Can't go in there,'' one of them shook their head.

''They're gonna be running up to the roof!" she protested. ''If we don't go in we'll miss them!''

After a moment of consideration, the others agreed and within seconds they were slowly stepping inside of the quiet building. The others had to be in here, it where the first agent had ran from and it made sense for them to be collected on the roof. Loki had more followers than Hayley thought. Turning to the other soldiers, Hayley pointed for them to each take a corner and she made way for the stairs.

It wasn't until she knelt on the ground and aimed her gun up at the stairway that she heard more footsteps and the next thing happened too fast for her to even process. Blake was there, dressed in a black suit and tie with a gun in his hands, his eyes glowing bright blue.

''Blake!'' she called out, beginning to lower her weapon.

That's when he shot toward her, taking off up the stairs. Hayley gasped in shock and the bullet hitting the railing beside her, but she was soon on her feet and right behind him. He wasn't himself, this is what Loki had done to him, but this was her chance to get him back.

''Blake! Drop the gun!'' she aimed toward him, her pace picking up as he didn't stop running.

There was no way she was going to shoot at him no matter what he done, but she wasn't going to stop chasing him.

Outside, the situation with Loki had been handled a lot quicker and easier than Steve imagined. Tony Stark had shown up in his Iron Man suit helping them capture the God, but something didn't seem right to Steve. It was too easy, like he wanted to be caught.

When they escorted him back to the jet that Natasha had expertly landed close by, Steve paused as he watched another SHIELD agent running over.

''They were here,'' the man heaved, trying to catch his breath. ''Whoever that lunatic's got, they were here,''

''Barton?'' Natasha asked quickly.

''I didn't see him, but I saw his goddamn arrows. I saw Murray as well and thought I had him, but they had a getaway car. A few of my team are in the building now searching for others so we're gonna keep an eye on the exi-''

''Sir! Commander Brennan!''

The man stopped talking, listening to the radio device strapped to his belt that they could all hear.

''What's going on in there?'' he replied seriously.

''Sir Agent Blake was inside, O'Connor's in pursuit!''

Steve's ear's pricked at the mention of both names, specifically O'Connor and the word pursuit.

''Hayley's in there?'' he asked, looking at the man.

''Blake's hostile sir!''

Natasha wasn't surprised when she looked up and saw Steve running to the building, his pace not faltering.

All that was on his mind was Hayley being inside chasing after Blake who wasn't himself. He could hear gunshots inside and although he knew Hayley was trained for this and could handle these sort of situations, he had to get in there.

The building wasn't very high and Hayley soon found herself on the roof, but Blake had already ran to the other side and jumped inside a helicopter that took off immediately. That's when she began firing because she knew there was no way she could hurt Blake from this distance, but she wanted to try and take some of her anger out at the fact she had failed him.

He was right there in front of her and he wasn't the man she knew, he was shooting at her with no emotion on his face. But she still tried to save him, and in the end she wasn't enough.

''Hayley!''

Turning quickly and lifting her gun immediately at the voice behind her, Hayley was shocked to see the person staring back at her. Her chest was heaving, panic and fear running through her body as her arms began to drop down.

''Steve?''


	17. Chapter 17

_I never knew_  
><em>I never knew that everything was falling through<em>  
><em>That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue<em>  
><em>To turn and run when all I needed was the truth<em>  
><em>But that's how it's got to be<em>

* * *

><p>Steve? What was Steve doing here? Was that really him? Why was he wearing a tight red and blue suit? Where did he get that shield? There were a million questions going g through Hayley's mind right now.<p>

_He looks just like the Captain America in the comic books._

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Steve asked, his eyes instantly analyzing her from head to toe.

Hayley looked down at her body too as if she couldn't remember if anything had hit her or if she was in any way injured. Too much had happened in just a few short seconds. She had followed Blake up to the roof hoping to get through to him by just shouting out, but Loki's mind control was stronger than she ever thought. As soon as he jumped into the helicopter, she barely seen it vanish into the dark sky before Steve's voice crept up on her.

Slowly, she lowered her hands and slipped her gun into her holster again.

"I-I'm fine," she finally spoke, her eyes moving back to lock on his. "What are you doing here?"

"SHIELD brought me in," he sighed, relieved she was okay. "Come on, there's no time, we have to get back, they need to leave,"

Hayley cautiously took a step forward, feeling his hand on her back guiding her over to the entrance to the stairs.

"How long?" she asked. "How long have you been here?"

"I got to the helicarrier this morning. I thought they would have told you they asked me," he explained in a tone that was almost apologetic. "I can't believe _this_ is the mission you left for,"

"He's got Blake," she argued, knowing he would understand that was enough justification.

"I know, we'll get him back," Steve assured, hurrying them down the stairs.

"I almost had him," Hayley shook her head. "If I was just faster-"

"Loki's got them under mind control, there's no knowing what would have happened,"

Steve looked down at her again as they made their way to the ground floor of the building, noticing just how different she looked in her tactical gear. All dressed in back, guns attached and hair pulled back from her face, Hayley looked quite different to the woman he had gotten used to over the past few months. However he had to admit he himself looked a lot different to the man she was familiar with too.

"O'Connor!" Brennan shouted, seeing her from his position near the jet.

Hayley looked up at Steve, wondering what was going on now. She had only just found out he was here and it seemed they were splitting up again. There was barely enough time to process things as they happened, they had to keep moving and get away from this place.

"I have to escort Loki back," he told her.

"I have to go with my team," she nodded.

"I'll talk to you when I get back and explain everything,"

"Be careful," she urged, knowing that an insane God wasn't the best flight company.

"Get back safely,"

The way Steve looked at her when he said those words made Hayley see just how much he worried. After everything they had both just seen and experienced, he couldn't help wishing she was on the same jet as he was. Although the main target was on his jet, Steve would feel much better if Hayley was safely beside him.

* * *

><p>''You'll need to go into debriefing when we get back,'' Brennan explained, leaning against the back wall of the jet beside where Hayley stood, looking over his team.<p>

''Yes sir,'' she nodded.

Brennan could see that Hayley was upset about what had happened, her hands balling into fists and flexing back out again as if it was a calming remedy. She just wished she could have been faster and made it to Blake before he got to that helicopter, that she had a chance to get through to him. Not knowing what to expect from a demi God from another world was one thing, but not knowing what to expect from someone she considered family was something she hadn't prepared herself for. She had read the files and understood that whatever was in Loki's scepter was powerful and could do many unknown things to those it took over, but it never really struck her until Blake was aiming a gun toward her.

''Hey,'' Brennan reached over, his hand resting on her shoulder. ''How are you holding up?''

''I'm fine,'' she nodded with a smile, feeling the need to show him. ''Just didn't think my first mission back with SHIELD would have me chasing after Blake,''

''I know, none of us thought we'd have to fight against the same team either. We'll get them back though, we'll find them. Fury's got a separate team working on that but...well with a priority like the Tesseract and bringing in a God for containment-''

''Resources are pretty tight,'' Hayley finished with an understanding nod. ''I get it, I just don't like it,''

Brennan sighed, rubbing his temples with one hand.

''I don't like it either but this is what we have to deal with,''

There was a brief silence between them as the jet rocked slightly, settling back into a smooth journey. There were many things still running through Hayley's mind about what had just happened back there, and one of them was that she still couldn't seem to grasp how Steve was here and had been a part of this mission for who knows how long.

''Did you know Captain Rogers was on this mission?'' she asked Brennan, avoiding the use of Steve's first name.

''I knew SHIELD had a team coming in,''

''But did you know who was on it?''

''I can't tell you that O'Connor,'' he shook his head. ''Confidentiality and all,''

Hayley just turned away from him, wondering how long SHIELD had planned to bring him in. Was her assignment to help Steve adjust really just to keep him preoccupied and aware enough for SHIELD to call him in when they needed? Granted, Steve was obviously willing to join, but Hayley couldn't help wondering if he would have made the same decision if she wasn't already gone.

When Hayley glanced over to her side where Brennan was, she saw that he was gone and his spot was now replaced with Harrison, the woman she had met earlier on. There was a polite smile on her lips and as much as Hayley appreciated the woman's earlier assistance, she wasn't in the mood for a conversation.

''Not the best first mission to return to,'' Harrison began. ''Are you okay?''

''Yeah, just like old times,'' Hayley folded her arms.

''I was going to come in and follow you up after Blake but I didn't get the chance. I saw Brennan talking to Agent Romanoff and the next thing I know Captain Rogers is in there going after you,''

''It wouldn't have been any use anyway, I couldn't get close enough to even grab him,''

''We'll find them. They might be agents but Loki's demands are going to make them slip up,'' the woman assured with a confident tone.

''We can only hope,''

* * *

><p>Once again, even more had changed since Steve's last orders, but he figured that was going to be a constant occurrence on this mission. But his mind soon shifted from all of that when he saw Hayley again.<p>

Steve spotted her walking down the corridor with her back to him, the dark tint of her hair hanging over her shoulders in a mess that suggested she just took it out of it's routine ponytail. He didn't know if he would ever get used to seeing her dressed in her tactical gear, but it was a good look on her. When he got close enough, he called out to her with a voice just loud enough she would hear it. As soon as she turned and he saw her face, he immediately recognized the look on her face; relief. After the day he had and the meeting with his team he had just experienced, seeing her made him feel a whole lot better.

Hayley thought the exact same thing. As soon as she heard his voice she felt her worries for him melt away.

"You're back," she noted, taking a few steps to end their distance. "I came to find you before my debriefing but none of you were back,"

"We ended up running into Loki's brother and bringing him in too," Steve explained, unsure if he was allowed to tell but doing so anyway. "I can't believe any of this is happening,"

"I know. First Blake gets basically brainwashed by someone who turns out to be a God and then I find out you're on this mission too while I'm out on the field," Hayley folded her arms.

"You're insane for choosing_ this_ mission to go back in with,"

"Blake's my family," she argued. "There's no way I would have given up fighting for him,"

"I know, that's not what I meant," Steve immediately backtracked. "It's just I worried about you while thinking this was a normal, average mission, but it's so far from that,"

Hayley half smiled up at him.

"You don't need to worry about me,"

"I thought we made a deal not to lie about those things," he reminded.

"And I thought you didn't believe I meant any of it," she pointed out in return.

Steve paused as he remembered back to the day Hayley left on the mission. He wasn't very understanding at all and took her decision and inability to tell him what was going on personally. But it was all so much more complicated than he ever thought. Just before Steve could get a word out, he heard footsteps coming from behind him and paused. There was no privacy in any SHIELD craft or facility. Hayley took a few steps and looked through the small window of an empty storage room before gesturing for them to go inside.

When it was finally just the two of them, Steve turned back to Hayley and let out a heavy sigh.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't know Blake was in trouble and I was so worried about you going back out-"

"Hey, let's not do that," Hayley shook her head, leaning back against the wall. "I think after everything we've seen and learnt in the past few hours we can agree we both didn't handle it very well and for good reasons, let's just leave it at that,"

Steve's lips turned into an appreciative grin.

"I don't know how you're doing this,"

"Doing what " Hayley asked, puzzled.

"This mission, chasing after Blake, not freaking out,"

"Oh I'm freaking out," she assured. "But I have to focus to get him back. I call it my mission mind, but my regular Hayley mind is definitely in overdrive. I don't know how _you're_ doing this though. This whole mission is about getting the Tesseract back, the object you died for,"

Steve nodded, the idea of waking up to the same threat having already gone through his mind multiple times.

''Well, I kept it from the world once, and this time there's a whole organization going after it too,'' he explained, trying to look on the positive side.

''I just want this over as soon as possible,''

''So do I, but I don't think that's gonna happen,''

Steve thought about filling her in on what they'd discovered during their brief meeting only moments ago, but he didn't like the idea of overwhelming her with the thought of an alien army invading them under Loki's control. He wanted the Tesseract found and all of this deal with before that could even happen, but chances were slim.

''I can't believe Blake's out there doing anything Loki's told him to,'' Hayley shook her head in disbelief. ''I know he's an agent and he's skilled but...I don't want to lose him. I can't lose another brother,''

Steve stepped closer to her, reaching up to put his hands on her shoulders.

''Hey, we'll find him. I'll make sure you don't lose him, I promise,''

Then Hayley took him by surprise and took the smallest of steps forward to wrap her arms around him, her head leaning on his chest. It only took a brief moment for Steve to respond, his arms snaking around her back and holding her protectively against him.

''I don't want to lose you either,'' she admit, her voice just above a whisper.

'You won't,'' he told her, his tone confident.

They stayed like that once the words were said, just holding each other in silence. It was chaos outside the storage room, but inside with just the two of them, it was calm. Even with Blake still out there and Loki's plans still in the works, just having each other there made it all stop for a while.

''Hayley, I know it's your job,'' Steve began when he pulled away just enough to look at her. ''But I don't want anything happening to you,''

''Neither of us want each other to get hurt, but it's both of our jobs,'' she sighed, leaning back, her hands still on Steve's side.

''We certainly chose the wrong business to work together in,''

Hayley smiled slightly before looking over Steve, realizing she hadn't brought something up yet.

''This might be a bad time and all...but what's with the uniform?''

* * *

><p>When Steve made his way back down the corridor after he and Hayley parted ways, he was met with a questioning look from Tony Stark who was standing a few doors down at the lab he was now sharing with Bruce. Steve didn't like the idea of working on this mission with the man and now he had to tolerate him on board the helicarrier too. It was hard to imagine this man being Howard Stark's son considering how different they seemed, or at least from how Steve remembered him.<p>

''Really? On board and in the middle of a mission?'' Tony shook his head, clearly seeing Steve and Hayley leaving the room together. ''I honestly didn't think you were into that-''

''Stark, focus on the mission,'' Steve warned.

''_Me_ focus on the mission? I think out of the two of us I've been the most focused on this in the last twenty minutes, don't you think? So what's the deal with you two? Didn't think you'd be so eager for dating-''

''That's enough Stark,'' Steve snapped.

''Just curious, she's in a SHIELD uniform so that could mean...oh right, makes sense now. She's the one you ran after in that building,'' Tony continued. ''How romantic,''

Steve glared at the man, anger clear through his expression. He didn't have time to be offended by anything Tony was saying but he couldn't help caring. If that's what it looked like to him maybe that's what everyone thought. It was silly to fixate on anything Tony Stark said to him, especially when it was so obviously said with the intent to annoy him.

''Just do your job,'' Steve huffed, walking away before Tony could get out another comment.

It was one thing to assume things about him, he could handle that, but he didn't like Tony thinking of Hayley like that. She was fighting this battle just as much as they were and he wasn't going to let Tony see her as anything less.

The longer he could work away from the man, the better.

* * *

><p>Steve and Hayley had agreed to meet up later after they gathered as much information from their teams as they could. Hayley's main goal, along with getting the Tesseract, was finding Blake and that meant she needed to know what SHIELD knew. Brennan had said it himself that there was a team working on it, but they didn't have enough time to focus on it. So right now, finding the Tesseract would bring them to Blake. That gave Hayley a significant boost in motivation. That, and the fact that the same object was the reason for Steve going though everything he has.<p>

''O'Connor,''

Hayley turned to the voice calling out to her, seeing Brennan walking over.

''Sir,'' she nodded.

''Where'd you get to after debrief?''

''I was just thanking Captain Rogers,'' she explained coolly. ''For coming in after me,''

''Right, well we haven't got any further orders at the moment. You can head into training if you'd like, I'll be busy supervising some tac teams out doing some surveillance,'' he explained. ''Oh and Agent Coulson asked you to go see him when you have the chance,''

''Yes sir,''

Hayley had no idea what Coulson wanted from her, but since Brennan was busy, maybe the agent could give her some information. She might not have been apart of the super team SHIELD had put together or was working up near the bridge where everyone else was, but she was just as determined to end all of this now.

It took a few minutes to get back to the corridor she was in earlier and figure out the way to the bridge, but she found her steps slowing when she became closer to a lab that contained a voice she found very familiar. It was Steve, and he was far from happy.

''Is everything a joke to you?'' Steve angrily asked Tony who had just prodded Bruce with something sharp.

The man was like a child, always pushing his boundaries and managing to annoy Steve more than anything.

''Funny things are,'' Tony shrugged.

''Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny. No offence, doctor,''

''Not that's alright,'' Bruce smiled. ''I wouldn't have come on board if I couldn't handle pointy things,''

They argued for a little while longer before Steve shifted the topic to the problem at hand. Hayley moved closer to the door of the lab and listened in.

''Why'd Fury call us in? Why now, why not before?'' Tony pointed out. ''What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables,''

''You think Fury's hiding something?'' Steve asked, his voice much calmer now.

''He's a spy. Captain he's_ the_ spy. His secrets have secrets,'' Tony shrugged. ''It's buggin' him too,''

As Tony pointed toward Bruce and Steve shifted his focus onto the doctor, Bruce just let out a nervous 'um' in response. Bruce had been the quietest of them all when it came to what was going on, opting to spend more time on the science and tracking of the Teseract rather that SHIELD's motives, but Tony knew he felt the same.

''I-I just want to finish my work here and...'' Bruce shook his head.

''Doctor,'' Steve encouraged.

And with that, Bruce figured he'd voice his concerns.

''A warm light for all mankind,'' Bruce began, referring to Loki's earlier speech when he was brought in. ''Loki's jab at Fury about the cube,''

''I heard it,'' Steve nodded.

''Well I think that was meant for you,'' Bruce pointed to Tony. ''Even if Barton didn't tell Loki about the Tower, it's still all over the news,''

''The Stark Tower?'' Steve asked. ''That big ugly...building in New York,''

Tony glared at the man before Bruce continued.

''It's powered by an arc reactor, a self-sustaining energy source. That thing will run itself for what, a year?''

''That's just a prototype,'' Tony shrugged. ''It's kinda the only name in clean energy, is what he's getting at,''

''So why bring him in on the Tesseract? What is SHIELD doing in the energy business in the first place,'' Bruce explained.

''I should probably look into that once my decryption program finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files,''

That's when Steve really became annoyed at the man.

''I'm sorry, did you just-''

''JARVIS has been running it since I hit he bridge. In a few hours I'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has tried to hide,''

''And yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around?'' Steve shook his head.

''A intelligence organization who fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome,''

''I think Fury's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war and if we don't stay focused he'll succeed,'' Steve reminded. ''We have orders, we should follow them,''

''Following's not really my style,''

''And you're all about style aren't you?''

''Of the people in this room who is A, wearing a spangly outfit and B, not of use?''

Hayley wasn't a fan on Tony Stark either, especially not now. But she didn't barge in and insult him in return, glare at him for saying that to Steve. She stayed where she was, getting as much information as she could.

''Steve,'' Bruce spoke up. ''You don't think this smells a little funky to you?''

Steve considered it, but he would never admit to it until he knew for himself, until he had evidence of what they were doing with the Tesseract.

''Just find the cube,''

With the sound of approaching footsteps, Hayley stepped away until she noticed it was in fact Steve. He was about the walk the opposite way down the hall before he stopped and thought for a moment, immediately changing his course and turning to see Hayley standing outside the lab behind him.

''What are you doing?'' he asked quietly.

''I could ask you the same thing,''


End file.
